More untimely death

Yesterday I found out my friend's younger and only brother has died. But I didn't say everything. It would appear that he committed suicide. But since my friend lives in Europe and her brother lived in North America, they don't have all the details yet.

The police in North America called the police in the UK who went to her parents' house to give them this incomprehensible and shocking news. My friend flew out to be with her parents yesterday and they are all flying to North America later this week. Neither her nor her parents, nor, it would appear, her brother's friends in North America had noticed any sign of him being depressed or knew about him having any sort of problem. It is completely out of the blue.

I researched the internet yesterday for what family members of a suicide victim go through. I found it to be strikingly similar to what parents of a stillborn baby go through.

Shock. Guilt. Incomprehension. Denial. Sadness. Anger. Disconnection. Social stigma.

The following words are copied directly from an online pamphlet I found for families of suicide victims:

• You may “backslide” from time to time. You might have a few days in a row where you feel better and then find your sadness return suddenly—perhaps even years later.
  
• You will encounter painful reminders unexpectedly.
  
• Friends and relatives may not offer the support you need. You will truly learn who your friends are during this crisis.
  
• People may make insensitive remarks. Suicide is generally misunderstood, and people will feel inept at offering you comfort.
  
• Your fear of people’s judgment may haunt you needlessly.
  
• Others may tire of talking about it long before you do.
  
• You may feel bad about feeling good.
  
• Holidays, birthdays, and the anniversary of the suicide are often difficult.
  
• New milestones may bring feelings of guilt.

Sound familiar?

My forced condolence training came in useful. I have called my friend, sent flowers and a card to her and her family and, after doing some research on Amazon, sent her a book for families who lose a loved one to suicide. I will continue to call my friend as I know that even if I say she can call me anytime, she may not have the self-confidence or energy to actually do it. I will ask her about her brother (whom I did not know) and about what happened. I will listen instead of offering meaningless advice. I will visit her as soon as she comes back.

I hope that his soul will find peace in another place.