Keep away, ye IRL pregnant

I'm feeling quite low. I haven't been feeling great for quite a few months and have been wondering if depression is setting in. My marriage is taking most of the toll.

The reason for my lowness at this particular point in time is that three local mums I know are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies when they're just a few weeks along. My need to keep from talking to pregnant women about their pregnancies is apparently alive and kicking (pardon the pun). I don't know how I will continue bumping into them and chatting over the next months.

Ugh.

Remembering you

Dear A.
I remember you. I'm so sorry. I will never forget. I love you.

Update

Beanie is still spiking highish fevers but hasn't convulsed again. From now on we now have to treat him whenever he gets to 38 deg C / 100.4 F and not wait. Since we got home from hospital he's got to 39.5 deg C once and a couple of times up to 39, but he's slowly managing to go longer between doses of para.cet.amol / ir.fen before his temp goes up. He doesn't have any other symptoms apart from a stuffy nose. He sees his own doctor for a follow up on Monday. Poor baby. He is most crucially acting like his usual self. He's mostly just tired from a sleep deficit.

DH got home yesterday morning, and he slept in Beanie's room last night and I finally got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Beanie was happy to see him (it's the longest he's been away). Beanie's generally happiest when we're both around.

At my OB appointment, it was confirmed everything gone. She recommended that we wait until the next cycle before trying again to ensure everything is back to normal. Also next cycle to start taking low dose aspirin again and multivitamins. She said it might even have been an empty gestational sac. I suppose there's no way of knowing what happened. I considered giving it a blog name, Cells, but it doesn't feel necessary at all. We don't know if Cells ever even existed. I'm feeling surprisingly okay about it.

Rollercoaster

I didn't see my doctor yesterday, there was a lot of bleeding but it's like a very heavy period. Nothing to see in particular. There was nothing she could do anyway. She told me to take some sick days and rest. I'll see her tomorrow for what was meant to be my first pregnancy checkup but instead the appointment will be checking that everything's gone.

I haven't had much time to think about it though, as I woke up last night at midnight to hear Beanie making a strange noise. It wasn't a loud noise, so I can only guess it was instinct or something that woke me up.

He was convulsing in his bed and gasping for air with his eyes unfocused and was not aware that I was there. DH is still away, so it's just me and Beanie. I called an ambulance almost immediately as I was alone and thought he couldn't breathe.

Yes, it was febrile convulsions. They stopped after as I undressed him and gave him para.cet.amol and he started crying (= breathing) but they still took us to hospital and we stayed the night as they ran tests on him and ruled out meningitis, encephalitis, swine flu and urinary infection. The problem was we don't know how long he was convulsing for before I woke up. He is still running a high fever but I've got extra drugs now. We're back home and I'll be sleeping in his room tonight. He seems himself.

Despite my course in medical emergencies for young children, where febrile convulsions were covered, I panicked and called an ambulance immediately. But as my MIL said: better to have an unneccessary ambulance than to not have a necessary ambulance. The doctor today said I did the right thing.

So no rest for me for the chemical pregnancy / miscarriage of .... was that just yesterday? Great to have anniversary of Dad's death, BFP, miscarriage, ambulance and night in paediatrics all whilst DH is away.

Short

This morning I found that I had bled a little during the night.

I got up and bled a lot more.

I'm seeing my doctor this afternoon, but it's pretty certain this is all over now.

In the days before home pregnancy tests, I wouldn't even have known I was pregnant.

2 out of 3 ain't bad

I've now peed on 3 sticks.

2 out of date and 1 new one.

results:

• first, CD 31, out of date: negative. Exp date was December 08
• second, CD 37, out of date (dug out of the depths of some drawer): positive. Exp date was October 08
• third, CD 38, new: positive.

So I'm taking that as positive. First OB appointment is next Friday (I need to have my thyroid levels checked quickly as I probably need to increase my dose). Feeling lucky that getting pregnant really doesn't seem to be my problem. Feeling nervous and negative already about the health of the embryo.

I wasn't charting, which is not so good as I don't know when I ovulated. I suppose I can say the date of LMP and the only date we had s*x. Shouldn't that be fairly accurate dating?

Gulp.