Saturday, 31 March 2007

8 months

Hello V.,

So I didn't write to you on your 8 month birthday like I've tried to on all the other anniversaries. I suppose I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know you very well. We had so little time together. Right now it feels like you are getting further and further away and that there is nothing I can do to keep you close. It makes me feel sad and guilty.

Your Daddy and I will always remember you and we will always love you. That isn't the question. It's so difficult when we are in entirely different worlds for us to remain close. We have memories and a few pictures.

Daddy and I released a balloon for you on the 29th March. There was no wind so it drifted away slowly towards the Alps. We watched it for a long while. Daddy said something about it lingering just to say goodbye before the winds higher up caught it. For the first time I didn't cry when we let it go. I think I have a tendency now to cry out of self-pity rather than for you my love, which I don't like.

Your bench should be in place sometime soon. We still have to get the little plaque ready. It will be in the village where Daddy grew up and where your grandparents still live, looking towards the lake.

I hope that now I have one day off work a week, I will be able to spend more time thinking about you and developing our relationship. I think that's what happened, when I went back to work fulltime I had no time to think about you anymore and in the evenings I was tired. So I'm sorry about that, but I hope I've fixed it.

lots of love my little sweetpea.
Mummy

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

Tired. Numb. Big Boobs

This all adds up to not much posting any more. Lack of energy and total lack of inspiration to write anything at all.

Some good news - I finally got my 80% working arrangement confirmed today! So I get one day off per week to do something else. Now I have to gear myself up to looking into the type of charity work I want to do. The idea is to spend half a day doing that and half a day doing all the crap we normally have to do at weekends (grocery shopping etc.) and generally having more time to think and reflect. I will also have to focus on actually doing an 80% workload rather than still doing 100% and only getting paid 80%.

It's thanks to you V., that I got off my backside and organised something which I have always wanted to do.

Tomorrow I'm getting my thyroid levels checked again. Can't help wondering if this foetus is going to have brain development problems because s/he didn't get enough thryroid hormone at the crucial time. Then on Monday I have another OB appointment to find out if s/he's dead or still alive. Those two weeks have gone by quite quickly.

With Moksha I always knew, especially at the beginning, what number of weeks and days I was. Now? I would have to sit down and work it out. I think I just avoid thinking about it in general which isn't very healthy. Ummm, it would be the same as Laura, whatever that is.

Eight months tomorrow. About this time eight months ago is when I started getting worried and we all got in the car to go to the hospital to get the lack of movement checked out.

Sunday, 25 March 2007

Joyeux Anniversaire Nicolas

Petit Nicolas, je pense très fort à toi et à ta maman aujourd’hui. Je ne sais pas à quoi tu ressemblais quand tu étais sur cette terre, mais je t’imagine dans ma tête. Je me demande des fois si tu as rencontré mon fils V. et si tu lui montres comment ça marche là où vous êtes, parce qu’il est arrivé relativement récemment.

Je n’ai jamais rencontré ta maman mais je la considère comme une très bonne amie. Elle soutient tellement les autres, elle partage ce qu’elle a appris de la vie depuis que tu l’as quittée, il y a un peu plus de quatre ans. Des leçons dures.

Quatre ans. Si seulement tu étais toujours ici avec elle et ton papa, avec ton grand frère, ta petite sœur et tes petits frères encore à naître. J’espère que tu as trouvé le bonheur. Et surtout, je te souhaite un joyeux anniversaire, petit Nicolas.

Saturday, 24 March 2007

Happy Birthday Rainer

Rainer, today is the day you were born and I'm sending lots of loving hugs to your mother and father.

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

OB appt 2

I saw my OB again yesterday morning. The foetus is still alive, has grown - a lot since two weeks ago. I've taken the huge step of adding a ticker above. I'll feel very bad if I have to take it down again. But it seems to me that Kate and Clare's tickers are counting down fast (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it to them).

Updated about 3 hours later. I can't handle the ticker yet. So I've taken it down again!

I woke up at 3:30 am last night and all sorts of thoughts running round my head to do with the trisomies. Couldn't get back to sleep for more than an hour. The OB had asked us if we wanted to do the triple screen test at 12 weeks and we'd spoken about trisomy 18 being incompatible with life.

DH is great, as he was when I was pregnant with Moksha. He has come to both appointments. Basically I need him there in case I find out that it's all over. The OB said, do you feel okay coming in again in four weeks? And I said, can we just have a quick check in two weeks to see if it's still alive? She said yes and so next appointment is on 2nd April. I got my little carnet de grossesse to carry around with me.

Missed miscarriage and trisomy, those are the terms swimming around my head :-(

I don't have many symptoms and I could not look at the u/s screen until she said, look everything is okay. Actually I glanced at it for a microsecond and not seeing an immediately obvious heartbeat, I looked away again. But it was there, plugging away.

Sunday, 18 March 2007

Imagine your babies dying and then going to jail for a wrong murder conviction

Obituary: Sally Clark

Sally Clark, who was wrongly jailed for the murder of her two sons, has been found dead at her home. Her family say she never recovered from the trauma of her ordeal.

Sally Clark was wrongly jailed for three years after being found guilty of murdering her newborn sons Christopher and Harry.

Although cleared by the Court of Appeal in January 2003, a family statement following her death at the age of 42 said she never fully recovered from the effects of this "appalling miscarriage of justice".

Three judges decided that the conviction of the solicitor, who used to live in Wilmslow, Cheshire, was "unsafe".

Reacting to the appeal court decision, she said: "Today is not a victory. We are not victorious. There are no winners here. We have all lost out. We simply feel relief that our nightmare is finally at an end."

She had always protested her innocence since being jailed for life in November 1999 at Chester Crown Court.

She was accused of smothering 11-week-old Christopher in December 1996 and shaking eight-week-old Harry to death in January 1998 at the luxury home she shared with her husband Stephen. A first attempt to have her conviction quashed was thrown out by the Court of Appeal in October 2000. It was evidence uncovered by her husband Stephen, which had not been revealed to the jury or defence team, which proved the key to unlocking her cell door. Home Office tests on Harry had found "lethal" levels of bacterial infection - indicating he died of natural causes.

The crux of the case revolved around whether it was conceivable the "cot deaths" of Christopher and Harry - Sally Clark said she found both babies lifeless - were coincidences. Paediatrician Professor Sir Roy Meadow, who appeared for the prosecution, estimated the likelihood of two siblings dying of "cot death syndrome" were one in 73 million. This proved to be damning evidence.

But the Royal Statistical Society took the unprecedented step of writing to the Lord Chancellor stating that there was no statistical basis for the figure, and that the odds were much lower.

Among other bodies, the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths had evidence that second cot deaths in the same family occur "roughly once a year". Despite this her first appeal in 2000 failed. The Court of Appeal said that while it accepted that Sir Roy's statistic was flawed, the judges remained convinced that there was "overwhelming" evidence of her guilt.

In 2001, scientists at Manchester University found a genetic link among cases of sudden infant death syndrome - suggesting multiple cases could be more likely than previously thought. Sir Roy was found guilty of serious professional misconduct and struck off the medical register - but both decisions were later overturned on appeal at the High Court.

Little more information is known yet about her death, and the matter is now in the hands of the coroner. In a statement, her family paid tribute to a "loving and talented wife, mother, daughter and friend".

The statement added: "Sally, aged 42, was released in 2003 having been wrongfully imprisoned for more than three years, falsely accused of the murder of her two sons. Sadly, she never fully recovered from the effects of this appalling miscarriage of justice."

Saturday, 17 March 2007

Happy Birthday Thomas

Little Thomas, you should be three years old today. Happy birthday and lots of hugs to your Mommy.

Friday, 16 March 2007

Happy birthday Emma

Happy birthday little Emma and lots of hugs to Emma's Mum and Emma's Dad.

Thursday, 15 March 2007

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis

I had an ultrasound today. Except this one was of my neck, to look at my thryoid gland.

Verdict of the endocrinologist:

- I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis and will most probably be on thyroxin for the rest of my life given the way my TSH shot up between January (when it was tested by my GP) and March (when it was tested by my OB)

- Pregnant women need about 20-30% more thyroid hormone (T4) than normal

- A woman is considered to be post-partum by endocrinologists for 18 months after birth. During pregnancy, your immune system is slightly depressed. After birth, it goes back to normal, but doesn't do it gradually, rather goes up to a peak then comes back down to a normal level again over 18 months.

- During these 18 months, your immune system becomes quite aggressive. If anti-thyroid antibodies were already there then during the post-partum period they can start aggressively attacking your thyroid glands.

- For me, being post-partum (anti-thyroid antibodies on the attack) combined with being pregnant (needing 20-30% more T4 hormone) means my thryoid gland started giving up the ghost.

- He cannot guarantee no effect on the foetus, but usually major problems are caused when a woman is, say, in her 8th month of pregnancy, has been complaining of tiredness all the way through and her doctor put it down to the fact that she was pregnant, and then it turns out she had an untreated hypothyroid problem. Since mine has been caught early, there shouldn't be any detectable effects.

- There's no point really testing for a bunch of other auto-immune diseases. Vitiligo and hypothyroidism are the two most common auto-immune diseases.

- (Assuming I make it that far) he won't need to see me again after about 4 months of pregnancy.

- My swollen legs were most probably caused by hypothyroidism, which can cause water retention

- It's quite possible that because of the thyroxin I am going to lose some weight before the pregnancy pushes it back up again

So I'm seeing my OB again next Tuesday. I really am thinking, what disease will I be diagnosed with next? Since V. died, I have found out that I have Factor V Leiden and now I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Let's hope the next thing has an exciting red pill to take - the little white ones are getting dull.

On the other hand I am feeling looked after by the medical community. They talk to each other (as it turned out, my OB called this same endocrinologist to ask him advice on what dose of thyroxin to start me on, before I had even seen him, and the endocrinologist is going to call my OB to update her, and my GP faxed over all my results to the endocrinologist as well as getting me to the top of his waiting list) and are taking everything quite seriously.

Wednesday, 14 March 2007

Numb

I'm feeling emotionally numb. I haven't been blogging all that much as I didn't think anyone would want to read about numbness, but then this blog is also a chronicle for me, so I decided to write something anyway.

I've been taking the thyroxin for a week now. Basically my TSH when it was tested in January was 1.5 (normal is 1.5-3 I think) and last week when the OB tested it it was more than 15. My mother sent me an article on hypothyroidism and pregnancy. When she read it, it sounded reassuring to her. When I read it I just saw blah blah blah risks slightly higher blah blah blah. My mother wasn't reading it with dead-baby-mother eyes.

My OB told me to see someone to get a panel of other auto-immune tests done. I tried my general doctor (GP), and he decided that since I am pregnant he prefers me to see an endocrinologist. (If I was not pregnant he said he would have been okay following me). I'm seeing one tomorrow evening. I hope my GP explained my history to this endocrinologist so that I don't have to explain it all over again.

I really have never seen so many doctors or had so many health issues in my life before. I should consider myself lucky I suppose.

As I was driving to my GP appointment, I knew he would say, so you're pregnant! I was thinking about what my response would in the car. The actual conversation went like this:

GP: So you're pregnant! (he had a letter from my OB)
Me: I knew you were going to say that and I was thinking what my response would be.
GP: And?
Me: All I can say is that I was pregnant last week. I had an ultrasound last week but now I know that all that means is that I was pregnant at that moment in time. The next ultrasound may show a dead foetus.
GP: How do you feel about the pregnancy?
Me: I feel numb, I don't feel anything, I'm worried that I won't bond with the baby.
GP: And what are you going to do about it?
Me: I suppose I will ask my OB to refer me to a psychiatrist.

Can you imagine having this type of conversation before having your child die?

The good news is that my D-Dimers were normal and my feet haven't been swollen again.

Something I have to ask the endocrinologist about is that I seem to be losing weight. After Moksha was born, I lost his weight (3.1 kgs) and the weight of the placenta, fluid and stuff and then I just got totally stuck at 10kgs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Now it seems to be slowly reducing (even though I am supposedly pregnant). Not being able to lose weight is one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. I just wonder if the thyroxin could be having that effect already or if it's something else.

More news tomorrow after the endocrinologist visit. Seriously, I need an abbreviation for that word.

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

More death

Please go and give some support to Connie, whose close friend committed suicide on Friday.

Saturday, 10 March 2007

The world turns....

Right now one of the biggest car shows in Europe is on and it's about 15 minutes drive away. I've been a few times, the first couple were to look at all the Porsches and BMW convertibles and the concept cars, just for fun. But last year I was 5-6 months pregnant and we went to look for an actual new car since ours was coming to the end of its life anyway. Instead of looking at Porsches and BMWs we looked at Renaults, Peugeots and Opels (yawn). Nice, safe family cars.

We checked out safety features, how easy it would be to get a pram into the boot (trunk for you N. American readers). In the end we plumped for the Renault Grand Scénic. A true family car. It even has a special extra mirror so you can spy on what the kids are doing in the back. It has built in shades for the back windows. It has two extra pop up seats so that you can have seven people in it. (Although seriously, I spent more time agonising over which pram to get than I did on choosing the car).

We ordered it and picked it up in June, when I was eight months pregnant. It was slightly higher than the old car and therefore much easier for my heavily pregnant self to get in and out. When I was eight and half months pregnant, we practiced strapping the bright red car seat in properly.

And in fact on the drive home from the hospital, the empty car seat was still installed in the car. Now it is wrapped up in the attic. I drive our nice, safe family car to and from work. There's no kid paraphernalia in it. Just my laptop case on the back seat.

The world turns. I am dreading the onset of summer. Summer, with its long, hot days, is a time which I associate with being heavily pregnant, anticipating a complete change in my life and my outlook. Final preparations, washing of baby clothes - careful which soap you use! -, getting my bag packed in case of a mad dash in labour to the hospital, attending an evening class on becoming new parents.

Anticipating change was right. I was just preparing for the wrong type of change.

If I could go to sleep for the whole of summer and wake up in October, that would be okay for me.

Happy Birthday Piper and Laine

Happy birthday to Piper and Laine. As I write this, the day is coming to an end where Piper and Laine's mother lives, but for me it is just beginning. Hugs to Patience.

Friday, 9 March 2007

Happy Birthday Thomas

Today I can really wish Thomas a happy 2nd birthday, wherever he is.

Wednesday, 7 March 2007

What will next week's health problem be?

The OB called today with some of my blood results. Remember I got my thyroid checked in December because my neck was swollen and it turned out to be normal? Well the OB checked it again as she also thought my neck was swollen when I saw her on Monday. And this time it's not normal. She dictated me the name of the medicine over the phone and told me I had to go and get it straight away and start tomorrow morning.

I told her that soon I would be like one of those little old ladies with a compartmentalised pill box, one compartment for each day of the week. I take my prenatal vitamin, my baby aspirin and from tomorrow my thyroxin every morning and smear anti-fungal cream on my outer bits twice a day. It's starting to get a bit depressing.

It does explain why I've been feeling a bit slow and tired recently. I've been working long days, in early stages of pregnancy AND my thyroid is underactive. Man, I really deserved that nap I took on Sunday afternoon.

I am not feeling anything for this little embryo. It's like I've already decided it's not going to make it. I have an ultrasound picture in my wallet and had forgotten it was there. Not like the u/s I gazed at with Moksha. I don't spend my time gripped in fear, I just don't think about it at all. I am probably going to need some sort of psychological help in order to bond properly with this baby.

Monday, 5 March 2007

OB appt 1

I had my OB appointment today. Her assistant called me at 8:30am to schedule it, and turned out a slot was available this evening at 5:30pm. It was emotional, sitting in the little room to get my blood drawn and remembering hearing Moksha's heartbeat for the last time in that same room. And yes I did cry during the appointment.

In short:

- it's not ectopic (I was scared about that)
- there is a nice gestational sac
- it's not twins
- there was the tiniest flicker of a heartbeart, OB said it must have been there for one or two days at most - she'd warned me we might not see it.
- it's measuring on target assuming I ovulated on CD 17
- Oh, and I have a mild fungal infection. Apparently pregnant vagina is party time for all the microbes living down there. Great.

Hah, I'm sure you weren't expecting that last one. Next appointment in two weeks time.

Thursday, 1 March 2007

My OB is on vacation

I called my OB on Monday. Her answerphone said that she's on holiday this week. My feet have already been swollen three times. I don't think that's normal at all. I called DH in a panic when I found out she was away. He told me to call her on her mobile. She has told me so many times that I could call her on her mobile and I never have.

So I did. It went to voicemail and I left a message which degenerated into barely controlled tears. She called me back a minute later. She hadn't even understood it was me, then she recognised my voice. I apologised again for calling her during her holiday, but I wanted to know if I should see her back-up or wait until next week. She asked me if both feet were swollen or just one. Both is not indicative of a problem. I carry on taking the baby aspirin and the prenatal vitamins and then call her this coming Monday afternoon and she will get me an appointment within the week.

When I told my mum I had swollen feet, I was reassured when she spontaneously asked me the same question - both feet? Basically if both feet are swollen, it is extremely unlikely to be anything related to a blood clotting problem. One swollen leg or foot might indicate a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). It doesn't really explain why I have swollen feet already though. I had them with Moksha, but that was in the height of summer in the 3rd trimester. If I have to break out the support hose already I will officially go nuts.

I am terrified that the first check-up will show a heartbeatless embryo or some other problem which basically means death has visited again.

I have swollen heavy boobs and not much appetite although I am trying to force it a little bit to get some nutrition in there. Although I am starting this pregnancy 10kgs heavier than when I started the last one. My BMI (Body Mass Index) is within the normal range - I was on the border between underweight and normal before my pregnancy with Moksha. I just can't gain 25kgs in this pregnancy like I did in the last one!

To answer your question MB, I was told after they discovered the Factor V Leiden that my blood clotting levels (D-dimers?) would be closely monitored in the next pregnancy and that if I deviate away from the normal pregnancy curve I would indeed be put on Lovenox (it's called Clexane here) and in any case during the 3rd trimester, if I get that far. Right now I am on baby aspirin. What's it like giving yourself the injections?

Now I'm going to create a new label called Pregnancy. That's a BIG leap of faith for me.