Beanie is now using the last of the clothes which were originally bought for V. A pair of pyjamas which my mother-in-law gave me when I was pregnant with V. Even then I thought it was a bit of a weird present, giving a pregnant person something for a child aged 18-24 months.
Of course Beanie uses stuff originally bought for V all the time - his pushchair, his bed, his wardrobe, his blankets, the curtains in his room - well even the room itself was meant originally for V.
But these are the last of the clothes. I had never forgotten about them, they were always there in a box and I never forgot that they were there.
We haven't closed on the house yet but things are moving forward. If we move, and it seems likely we will before the end of the year, we will of course be leaving this rented flat. This is the flat we lived in when we got married, where all my children were conceived, where my pregnancies have played out, where we prepared for V's arrival, from where we left to go to the hospital to find out V had died, to where we returned after his birth, where both intense and slow-burning grief were experienced, where things my Dad put up are still here - the lampshade in Beanie / V's room, the wardrobe, the changing table, the shelves in the kitchen. Where I got the news that my father had died.
And of course where Beanie has spent the first 19 months of his life (outside the womb). But since I get to take him with me, it's less poignant. Leaving will be bittersweet even though I wasn't planning on living in a rented flat for the rest of my life.
6 years ago