A moment of happiness

It's hard to be happy. I struggle with allowing myself to feel happy. I mean, how can you be happy when some of your children are dead? Really? It's just always there.

Last night I slept for 8 hours in a row for the first time in at least 8 months. Today I spent the morning with Beanie and Coccinelle. It was a beautiful crisp autumn morning. Coccinelle had a nice nap. When she woke up we went to watch an excavator move huge piles of earth into a dump truck from a house build site near us - something which made Beanie very happy! I took him to daycare - he starts in the late morning on Wednesdays. He likes listening to music in the car. I sang along to the song during the short drive. Coccinelle was busy making baby noises in her carseat.

I felt a moment of spontaneous happiness, one which came naturally and which wasn't weighed down by grief. It can be done. It just takes a very long time.

I made something!

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Beanie and Coccinelle today. Did I tell you I actually managed to complete a knitting project? I made Coccinelle's "shrug". Yay me! She spit up all over it shortly after this picture was taken.

School

I supplemented with formula today for the first time. Coccinelle is 4 months old and my milk seems to be drying up. I had her weighed yesterday and she has slipped down a growth curve. Now I'm supplementing I'm expecting what little of my milk is left to vanish. I'm a bit disappointed but I'll get over it. I wasn't enjoying the bf as much as I did with Beanie and Coccinelle didn't look like she was enjoying it either.

I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I'm unlikely to have any more children. The pregnancies are too stressful and my marriage isn't strong enough. This means that I feel like getting some "formal" exercise to try and tone at least some of the flab that 3.5 pregnancies in 5 years leaves on your stomach. Formula frees me to do that more easily too.

One thing it's difficult to admit to here is that looking after small children is quite hard. Having dead babies doesn't automatically make you into a wonderful parent that never threatens to take her son's favourite teddy bear out of bed unless he stops banging his head like a hammer against his headboard and risk waking up his sister and killing off brain cells. (The threat works like a charm).

I can't think every second of the day about how grateful I am to have two beautiful, healthy, living children. Even though on a macro scale of course I know it's true. I mean, V would have started school this week. I am so lucky to have had Beanie and Coccinelle.

I'm coming close to retiring this blog.

Kids

I don't have the time or energy to update you on the details of my marriage but thanks for your comments and emails. Let's say that DH was sorry about spitting at me, he's just come back from a 5 day business trip. Things are slightly better but I'm still not sure what our long or even medium term future is.

In the meantime, on to happier things, here is a picture of the kids taken on 4th July.

[photo removed]

Life continues

Coccinelle is a month old now and has put on more than a kilo since we left hospital. She is doing well. Beanie was sick the week we came out of hospital with a fever of almost 40 deg C and I was more than a little paranoid that Coccinelle would catch it too. So I was telling Beanie not to touch Coccinelle which didn't help his psychological adjustment to his little sister.

However ,he is coming round slowly now. Very clingy to Mummy and a refusal of vegetables. But these are good problems for DBMs anyway.

On the marriage side things are going very badly. I feel so angry all the time towards my husband. We have had some very bad arguments which show no sign of abating. Yes, yes, I know that lack of sleep doesn't help matters (although Coccinelle sleeps way better than Beanie did at the same age). Part of the anger is the lack of moral support I had throughout the pregnancy. The day before the birth I wasn't even sure I wanted him to be there. We seem to have no connection or spark left at all. Frankly if it weren't for the children, I don't think I would still be here.

Terrible Twos

Beanie has turned two and it's like he read some sort of text book on the terrible twos. He's become disobedient and is throwing toys and food and refusing to eat his dinner. (It's fine to refuse to eat dinner but not to manifest it by squishing your hands in it and throwing it on the floor....) Before, when we told him off and told him to pick up his toys, he would look contrite and do it. Now he just laughs at me!

Today I really yelled at him and banged my hand on the kitchen table as I did it. Oh dear. Not good for him or me. I know all the theory, that he is testing his limits (and mine) and also that he is perturbed by the fact that there is a baby coming who is always with Mummy (since it's in her tummy), even when he comes to snuggle, the baby's constantly there (and he says: "no baby")and that when I can I rest such as over the Easter bank holiday, I do, and thus spend less time with him if DH is around.

I need to make sure I remember all that when he misbehaves..... and control my own stress levels. And remember how lucky I am to have him at all, which I generally do remember. But losing children doesn't automatically make you into some sort of super mummy.

I had another checkup today at the foetal medicine specialist. Blood flow through the heart and cord were normal and Coccinelle is measuring 50th percentile at 2.1 kgs. On the other hand they calculated Beanie's weight as quite a bit more than the supposed error margin in those calculations. But okay.

I thought about asking if she had a nuchal cord today but I didn't. I am only 34 weeks. What would I do in case of a positive answer? I may ask next week though.

Step by step

Last week on Tuesday I had another panic which involved my driving to the hospital on my own (DH had to take care of Beanie) for a heart rate monitoring session. I hadn't been feeling confident on the movements all day, and despite having found Coccinelle's heartbeat with my Doppler two or three times, it had all just built up by the time DH got home and I called the hospital in tears.

First I called the local hospital which isn't where I'm delivering, but is 5 minutes drive away from the new house. But they don't know me or my history and I was explaining it in tears. They were all set to have me come in when I said that I was delivering at the other hospital. Then the person I was speaking to asked if I had felt a movement within the last 2 hours (I had, I just wasn't feeling great about the strength of the movements) and she said it would be better to drive to the hospital I would be delivering at. That's about 25 mins drive away. She also gave me some crap about how one movement within 24 hours is enough??!!

By the time I called my own hospital to say I wanted to come in, I was well stressed. And it was in the end better to go there, as a) the midwife answering the phone knew me and my history - she even knew me when I was pregnant with V and b) told me that of course I could come in straightaway and c) to be careful driving.

Coccinelle was fine. At my next checkup with my OB, which was this week on Tuesday, we discussed the episode and she said that EVERYONE knew my history at the hospital I'm delivering at and that of course I should go to the nearest hospital in case of an real emergency but probably it was best to go to my own hospital for these monitoring sessions.

We had previously talked about my getting back in touch with my psychiatrist, who followed me through A's diagnosis, my father's death and my whole pregnancy with Beanie. But there is nothing much new to say, so I don't feel this would help me. (and also I don't know if my insurance will pay for more psych sessions). I did my usual trick of self-analysis, which doesn't always come out well, and determined two new things this time around:

1) With Beanie, if it had come to a choice between my life and his life, I was 100% sure that his life should be saved. Now, if something were to happen to me during the birth, I can't fathom how Beanie would manage without a mother. I feel quite conflicted about this and there is no conclusion to be drawn. I also can't fathom sacrificing Coccinelle for my own life.

2) Because I have to explain that Coccinelle is coming to Beanie, it forces me to a position where I have to say "when Coccinelle is here" rather than "if Coccinelle makes it". I stuck to the "if" position with Beanie until he was actually born safe and sound.

Those are the new aspects.

Anyway, I've stopped working now (phew) and as from next week will be on two checks a week, and then we will take it as is necessary.

Sorry for rambling post.

Happy Birthday Beanie

[photo removed]

Mummy loves you so much!

Ticker down

I had to take my ticker down as it was showing some page holder from the website I got it from, which was far too fluffy bunny. But I'm at 30 weeks now, almost 31. It's not really sinking in that potentially there might be a baby in 6-8 weeks time. Next week is steroid injections. Then maybe my OB will talk induction dates?

Beanie loves reading the book about new baby but doesn't seem to want to know the actual baby. This morning he wanted to hide under my duvet but I was there with the bump and he got upset and said "No baby, no baby". He didn't want the baby to be hiding there with him. It's hard to know how much he understands. I feel sad for him that an era of his life might be coming to an end - sad in a good way of course. He's certainly not the first kid who will go through this. Still, his life will be turned upside down, poor lamb.

In the end I have to face the fact that it could all turn out alright for Beanie's sake. I can't not prepare him for a baby coming and I certainly can't prepare him for a baby dying. There's no prep for that especially not for a 2 year old. Of course we don't talk about that. He sees the picture of V on my bedside table and knows his name, but thinks that his brother is asleep in the picture. All I say is that he's not asleep and I leave it at that.

(Yes, Beanie will be 2 years old at the end of March!)

Still not much naming progress for Coccinelle.

A recent Beanie picture

I finally located the cable needed to upload pictures from the camera - there are still a lot of boxes to be unpacked around here. This is a picture of Beanie in the UK over Christmas. It was cold!

[photo removed]

Back from the dead

I've not been posting much or even commenting much, but I still read.

I just watched this video whilst browsing the online news and at the moment of reunion I dissolved into sudden tears. For a mother to be given back her child after grieving her death must be the most wondrous thing.

Child's Eye: Congo's children, back from the dead

There are other videos on the same page from Save The Children showing children who were not so lucky.

I find that I am always so deeply touched by any story of a child suffering, or being separated from its family. It's that betrayal of innocence, it's so difficult. I become an emotional mess eading news stories like this to the extent that sometimes I have to just avoid them.

The bond between Beanie and I feels so very strong. He is my life. If someone were to deliberately hurt him, I would be transformed into a lioness. And I so wish I could have experienced this with V as well.

Links to V

Beanie is now using the last of the clothes which were originally bought for V. A pair of pyjamas which my mother-in-law gave me when I was pregnant with V. Even then I thought it was a bit of a weird present, giving a pregnant person something for a child aged 18-24 months.

Of course Beanie uses stuff originally bought for V all the time - his pushchair, his bed, his wardrobe, his blankets, the curtains in his room - well even the room itself was meant originally for V.

But these are the last of the clothes. I had never forgotten about them, they were always there in a box and I never forgot that they were there.

We haven't closed on the house yet but things are moving forward. If we move, and it seems likely we will before the end of the year, we will of course be leaving this rented flat. This is the flat we lived in when we got married, where all my children were conceived, where my pregnancies have played out, where we prepared for V's arrival, from where we left to go to the hospital to find out V had died, to where we returned after his birth, where both intense and slow-burning grief were experienced, where things my Dad put up are still here - the lampshade in Beanie / V's room, the wardrobe, the changing table, the shelves in the kitchen. Where I got the news that my father had died.

And of course where Beanie has spent the first 19 months of his life (outside the womb). But since I get to take him with me, it's less poignant. Leaving will be bittersweet even though I wasn't planning on living in a rented flat for the rest of my life.

I had to start speaking to him again

I had to start speaking to my husband again on Saturday, as we had scheduled to view a (different) house and in the end we are buying it pending finalistion of mortgage etc. So that sort of decision (which had to be made in the space of 1 minute as the next couple were arriving and were about to make an offer) couldn't be achieved without actually speaking to him.

I don't think he will do it again, although if he can do something that stupid, what other stupid thing could he do? I am leaving Beanie for a few nights for the first time ever the week after next as I am going on a training course for work. So his stupid behaviour has not reassured me about Beanie's safety whilst I am away.

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Last week I contributed again to the course on perinatal death for midwives (I did it earlier in the year as well). I told V, A and Beanie's stories, showed them pictures of all three and took a lot more than my allotted time but I think it's useful. I told them I was pregnant again. So far I have only told my mother.

I have my next appointment with the OB tomorrow. I haven't had any bleeding and certainly feel very pregnant. This is the 4th time around now and I am glad to be going on the work training course followed by two weeks vacation as by the time I get back after all that I really don't think there will be any hiding this (assuming I get that far of course. I may not always type that but I will always be thinking that footnote).

So the next huge hurdle for me will be the 12 week scan and blood test results. I don't know what I will do. I'm unable to think about it and we certainly haven't discussed it together. I think that's known as the ostrich approach.

Tomorrow I will have the seasonal flu vaccine and then I am still vacillating about whether to have the H1N1 vaccine.

Update: all seemed well, baby has grown and even moved on the u/s. I had the seasonal flu vaccine and my next appointment in 3 weeks will be the 1st tri tests.... :-(

I married a criminal idiot

You know how people who take their young kids in their cars on their laps without buckling them into an age and size appropriate car seat are criminally negligent imbeciles?

Well, it turns out I married one.

I do all bar one of the drop offs and pickups for Beanie at daycare. My in-laws do the other one (and we bought them a second car seat for their car).

H (can't bring myself to call that fucking idiot DH) had to do it once yesterday evening, with plenty of advanced notice. We only have one car and I need that to go to work. Far in advance he said it wasn't a problem, he could take Beanie home on the train. Being a man, he needed to take HALF A DAY OFF to organise this.

Instead he arranged to go to a house viewing. He had the foresight to ask if the agent could pick him up. He had the foresight to ask if she had a car seat.

And what you and I would then have done is say, oh well, sorry, the timing doesn't work for me as I'll have my 18 month old son with me and he can't travel without a car seat.

Instead the agent said I can still take you, I'll drive slowly and he can sit on your lap. And H said: OK.

So Beanie made TWO car journeys under the "care" of his father sitting on his lap in a moving car.

What a fucking idiot, I am so angry. I feel like reporting him to the police.

A Beanie photo - aged nearly 17 months

[photo removed]

No posts for a long time, and this one is rather lame, but lovely (IMHO) picture of Beanie asleep after a car journey. His face is so peaceful, I love this photo. He starts a week of adaptation to daycare on Monday, and today was the last day with his beloved nanny.

Due date

24th July was V's due date. I spent my pregnancy focused on this date. It came and went. The last picture of the old me was taken today three years ago - I just look so happy in it.

The last time I "saw" and "heard" him alive was three years ago tomorrow - through the ultrasound screen and heartbeat monitoring where he was absolutely fine.

I don't think anyone else remembers this date, even DH has not mentioned it. Even I didn't remember it first thing.

I wish my three year-old was here, that he had been born alive on his due date instead stillborn five days later. He could quite easily be playing with Beanie now and talking up a bilingual storm.

I just read a news story about Roge.r Fe.der.er's wife having healthy twin girls yesterday. And my first thought was not a morose one but a brief genuine internal smile of "great news!" It's a measure of how far I have come in three years that I could have that as a first thought. (In fact it's not in three years. It's only since Beanie has graced my life).

July x3

Many days have gone by with no post.

Beanie had his 15 month check-up yesterday. I was very tense about it. In our support group, after V. died, there was a woman whose found her 15 month old daughter dead in her cot the morning after her 15 month checkup vaccinations. The autopsy didn't conclude the vaccinations caused her death but that sure as hell was the mother's conclusion. I've been thinking about that little girl, E, a lot recently.

I (cried) explained E's story to the paediatrician. The result was that instead of getting two combined vaccines, one for MMR and one for DTP + HiB plus another one for Men C, Beanie only got the Men C. yesterday. The others were booster shots anyway. He'll have one at his 18 month checkup and the other one at his 24 month checkup.

The run up to V's 3rd birthday is starting to get to me. Hot summer, people around me who are pregnant, al fresco dining, strawberries and chocolate ice cream - all remind me of the happy last days of my pregnancy with V, before I ever knew it was all going wrong at the last minute.

Waiting for AF, by the way. Fairly certain that there won't be any BFPs this time around. We were staying at my mum's place during the critical period, and she sleeps with her door open and our door didn't shut very well. Plus Beanie was getting up early what with it being further north and an hour's time difference.

On another note, I am looking forward to meeting a dear blogger friend from another continent in person this weekend! My first IRL meet up with the blogger. Exciting!

A propos of nothing

I just got my period after a 35 day post miscarriage cycle. I was beginning to wonder what was going on. Anyway, means we didn't miss the slot with DH's latest business trip.

One of the local mums I mentioned below had bleeding in her 7th week. She went to the doctor and the membrane (of the wall of her uterus I think) had slightly come away and the bleeding was coming from the gap. It seems to be improving, but no-one can really know what will happen. She's still pregnant, and the foetus is doing okay so far.

Here's a recent picture of Beanie, from about a month ago. Beanie is still not walking, at nearly 15 months, which I think stems from him being a very fast crawler. He doesn't see any advantage in walking. The hanging in the background was made by my mum for V. It hangs over our bed. The picture is a bit blurred, but he has such a lovely expression on his face, I like it anyway.

[photo removed]

Update

Beanie is still spiking highish fevers but hasn't convulsed again. From now on we now have to treat him whenever he gets to 38 deg C / 100.4 F and not wait. Since we got home from hospital he's got to 39.5 deg C once and a couple of times up to 39, but he's slowly managing to go longer between doses of para.cet.amol / ir.fen before his temp goes up. He doesn't have any other symptoms apart from a stuffy nose. He sees his own doctor for a follow up on Monday. Poor baby. He is most crucially acting like his usual self. He's mostly just tired from a sleep deficit.

DH got home yesterday morning, and he slept in Beanie's room last night and I finally got 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Beanie was happy to see him (it's the longest he's been away). Beanie's generally happiest when we're both around.

At my OB appointment, it was confirmed everything gone. She recommended that we wait until the next cycle before trying again to ensure everything is back to normal. Also next cycle to start taking low dose aspirin again and multivitamins. She said it might even have been an empty gestational sac. I suppose there's no way of knowing what happened. I considered giving it a blog name, Cells, but it doesn't feel necessary at all. We don't know if Cells ever even existed. I'm feeling surprisingly okay about it.

Rollercoaster

I didn't see my doctor yesterday, there was a lot of bleeding but it's like a very heavy period. Nothing to see in particular. There was nothing she could do anyway. She told me to take some sick days and rest. I'll see her tomorrow for what was meant to be my first pregnancy checkup but instead the appointment will be checking that everything's gone.

I haven't had much time to think about it though, as I woke up last night at midnight to hear Beanie making a strange noise. It wasn't a loud noise, so I can only guess it was instinct or something that woke me up.

He was convulsing in his bed and gasping for air with his eyes unfocused and was not aware that I was there. DH is still away, so it's just me and Beanie. I called an ambulance almost immediately as I was alone and thought he couldn't breathe.

Yes, it was febrile convulsions. They stopped after as I undressed him and gave him para.cet.amol and he started crying (= breathing) but they still took us to hospital and we stayed the night as they ran tests on him and ruled out meningitis, encephalitis, swine flu and urinary infection. The problem was we don't know how long he was convulsing for before I woke up. He is still running a high fever but I've got extra drugs now. We're back home and I'll be sleeping in his room tonight. He seems himself.

Despite my course in medical emergencies for young children, where febrile convulsions were covered, I panicked and called an ambulance immediately. But as my MIL said: better to have an unneccessary ambulance than to not have a necessary ambulance. The doctor today said I did the right thing.

So no rest for me for the chemical pregnancy / miscarriage of .... was that just yesterday? Great to have anniversary of Dad's death, BFP, miscarriage, ambulance and night in paediatrics all whilst DH is away.