A moment of happiness

It's hard to be happy. I struggle with allowing myself to feel happy. I mean, how can you be happy when some of your children are dead? Really? It's just always there.

Last night I slept for 8 hours in a row for the first time in at least 8 months. Today I spent the morning with Beanie and Coccinelle. It was a beautiful crisp autumn morning. Coccinelle had a nice nap. When she woke up we went to watch an excavator move huge piles of earth into a dump truck from a house build site near us - something which made Beanie very happy! I took him to daycare - he starts in the late morning on Wednesdays. He likes listening to music in the car. I sang along to the song during the short drive. Coccinelle was busy making baby noises in her carseat.

I felt a moment of spontaneous happiness, one which came naturally and which wasn't weighed down by grief. It can be done. It just takes a very long time.

I made something!

[photo removed]

Beanie and Coccinelle today. Did I tell you I actually managed to complete a knitting project? I made Coccinelle's "shrug". Yay me! She spit up all over it shortly after this picture was taken.

School

I supplemented with formula today for the first time. Coccinelle is 4 months old and my milk seems to be drying up. I had her weighed yesterday and she has slipped down a growth curve. Now I'm supplementing I'm expecting what little of my milk is left to vanish. I'm a bit disappointed but I'll get over it. I wasn't enjoying the bf as much as I did with Beanie and Coccinelle didn't look like she was enjoying it either.

I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I'm unlikely to have any more children. The pregnancies are too stressful and my marriage isn't strong enough. This means that I feel like getting some "formal" exercise to try and tone at least some of the flab that 3.5 pregnancies in 5 years leaves on your stomach. Formula frees me to do that more easily too.

One thing it's difficult to admit to here is that looking after small children is quite hard. Having dead babies doesn't automatically make you into a wonderful parent that never threatens to take her son's favourite teddy bear out of bed unless he stops banging his head like a hammer against his headboard and risk waking up his sister and killing off brain cells. (The threat works like a charm).

I can't think every second of the day about how grateful I am to have two beautiful, healthy, living children. Even though on a macro scale of course I know it's true. I mean, V would have started school this week. I am so lucky to have had Beanie and Coccinelle.

I'm coming close to retiring this blog.

4 years

Happy 4th Birthday V.

We took your brother and sister to the seaside where we had typical British weather, fish and chips and we wrote your name in the sand. The high tide washed it away along with the flowers from your grandmother's garden.

Your little brother sang happy birthday to you without really knowing why.

We miss you little one.

Kids

I don't have the time or energy to update you on the details of my marriage but thanks for your comments and emails. Let's say that DH was sorry about spitting at me, he's just come back from a 5 day business trip. Things are slightly better but I'm still not sure what our long or even medium term future is.

In the meantime, on to happier things, here is a picture of the kids taken on 4th July.

[photo removed]

This morning during an argument, my husband spat in my face. The argument was already bad as it was in front of Beanie. And believe it or not, this evening he is still trying to hold some sort of moral high ground.

I'm not sure where we go from here, but I really want Beanie to stop having to see us argue and I don't want Coccinelle to go through her babyhood in this dreadful atmosphere of bitterness, point-scoring, anger, and well, yes, it seems hatred.

And frankly being spat at in the face has to be some sort of line. What is the next step? Kicks and punches?

Beanie is such a great kid. He is at a really fantastic age. He absorbs everything. He deserves better than this.

Anger and Regrets

Here is a picture of Coccinelle at almost 6 weeks.

[photo removed]

Apart from a gunky eye, which you can't see here as I had just cleaned it, she seems to be doing well.

DH finally took some days off and things got a little better. I am still harbouring a lot of residual anger and I still explode at him for the slightest thing. If the truth be told, I am also angry with him, probably wrongly, about what happened to A. Whilst I wavered about the te.rm.inati.on, he was quite sure. I wasn't strong enough and I don't believe that we explored about all the possible options and outcomes thoroughly enough. But he was already sure. Logically I know that my Dad had just died suddenly cutting short any time for reflection. We had no time left. The longer you leave such a decision, the worse it becomes. Maybe A would have died in utero anyway or after birth or during heart surgery or or or.

I still don't feel 100% comfortable in this "new" house although it's improving slowly. And I'm still angry about the lack of support throughout the pregnancy and the fact that I had to ask him to take more than a couple of days off after the birth of a baby. At least he has a job with good benefits.

But I do feel a bit calmer nevertheless. Probably some part of it was made worse by a dose of postpartum hormones.

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It just slipped out. I referred to Beanie as "the first". Today another parent at daycare who has kids 23 months apart stopped to coo at Coccinelle. She asked how everything was going and in part of my answer I said, "for the first you tend not to leave them crying when they're so little, but when there are two, you inevitably have to sometimes." I don't really know this woman and she certainly doesn't know my history. But as I got into the car I immediately regretted saying that. If only the first had cried. I told myself that "first" was an abbreviation for "first living child". It's quite lame.

Life continues

Coccinelle is a month old now and has put on more than a kilo since we left hospital. She is doing well. Beanie was sick the week we came out of hospital with a fever of almost 40 deg C and I was more than a little paranoid that Coccinelle would catch it too. So I was telling Beanie not to touch Coccinelle which didn't help his psychological adjustment to his little sister.

However ,he is coming round slowly now. Very clingy to Mummy and a refusal of vegetables. But these are good problems for DBMs anyway.

On the marriage side things are going very badly. I feel so angry all the time towards my husband. We have had some very bad arguments which show no sign of abating. Yes, yes, I know that lack of sleep doesn't help matters (although Coccinelle sleeps way better than Beanie did at the same age). Part of the anger is the lack of moral support I had throughout the pregnancy. The day before the birth I wasn't even sure I wanted him to be there. We seem to have no connection or spark left at all. Frankly if it weren't for the children, I don't think I would still be here.

3 years

Dearest A,

I think I will never be able to stop asking you for forgiveness in my head. I love you even though I may not deserve to.

Mummy

Introducing Coccinelle

[photo removed]

2.75kg, Apgars 10, 10, 10, birth story to follow when I am less exhausted! Born at 2.25pm on 28th April. Photo is at 1 day old.

For V

The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried


It may not seem like it all the time, but I wish you were here with us with all my heart. Every love song I hear on the radio seems like it was meant for you and me.

Nuchal cord no longer visible

The nuchal cord was no longer visible at today's ultrasound. They said it must have slipped off and be round her shoulder. Which I think isn't necessarily great as I think a shoulder cord can stop the baby progressing during birth. But at least it isn't round her neck anymore. My cervix is also opening slightly.

Now I just have to get through the weekend with no checkups (and no spontaneous labour). Small steps, even now. But I know I can go to the hospital for an NST anytime I want.

Volcano

My mum made it, on the original flights, arriving at the scheduled time. One less thing to worry about. Phew.

I have checkups scheduled for tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday being D-day, or let's just hope it's a normal B-day.

Plan

Today's NST was described by my OB as "one we could show to medical students to teach them what a perfect trace should look like." In addition there were a couple of contractions and Coccinelle reacted very well to them.

I asked my questions and the plan is as follows:

• We are still going for induced vaginal birth starting at 8.30am on 28th April (37.5 weeks)
• It is unlikely in my OB's opinion that I will go into spontaneous labour before then (but we know that's not guaranteed)
• I know under what circumstances I need to dash to the nearest local hospital (waters break and / or contractions 2-3 mins apart, or bleeding). They can call my OB and she will give them a history. At any other time I feel like I might be in labour, I can make my way to the hospital I am supposed to deliver at.
• I have another NST on Tuesday - the day after tomorrow - and will make another appointment with the specialist for Friday. I'm not planning on Friday's appointment being my last one either. To be honest the time between Tues and Fri seems very long to me.
• I understand the circumstances under which we will move to a C-section and how that will happen and the circumstances under which it will no longer be possible (full dilation).
• I have called a friend who knows Beanie and who Beanie knows - her son is the same age and she also has a 3 month old baby - and who said I can drop him off at any time of day or night if I have to (i.e. if my mum won't get here in time)
• My mother is looking at train tickets to be able to come in spite of the volcano - although it's a long journey involving getting to London and getting across Paris before getting here. She currently has shoulder bursitis, so I don't like the idea of her lugging her suitcase all alone up and down stairs in crowded stations but she said it would be okay.

Last Thursday Coccinelle's weight was estimated at 2.4kg.

I feel okay about the plan. I feel okay today, that is. Tomorrow I may or may not be in full panic mode again.

No plan as yet

Right now I don't have a plan (other than drinking lots of water as outlined by Delphi).

I haven't talked to my OB yet although she knew I was going to ask the specialist the question. Both she and the specialist both said what I knew already, it's very common, it's not in itself an indication for a C-section, I will be under constant monitoring throughout the birth and any decels will be visible early yadda yadda yadda.

As far as the specialist could see, it's not looped round several times, in fact he had to look for a long time to determine whether it was around the neck at all as Coccinelle had her head pressed down against her chest. But I don't think it's likely that she will untangle herself as she is already pretty far down in my pelvis. I'm also having more and more BH contractions and one of my fears is that I will go into spontaneous labour (something which has never happened to me) and I won't be hooked up to a monitor when it happens.

To add to it all, the ash cloud from that fucking Icelandic volcano has grounded all flights. Of course my MIL and FIL just managed to take off for the US (for a wedding, which we can't go to and which means they are not here for the birth or more importantly to look after Beanie during the birth) whilst my own mother is coming next Thursday and we don't know if she will be able to fly or not. Had my MIL and FIL been flying today, they wouldn't have been able to leave. They have always said that they would cancel and / or come back if needed, and now they can't come back.

Anyway on Sunday morning I will hopefully see my OB at the hospital when I have a scheduled NST. I will need to know the details of how an induced vaginal birth turns into a C-section due to decels.

Nuchal cord

Coccinelle has the cord around her neck.

Induction date

Tentative induction date set for 28th April (37.5 weeks).

Shock

I am shocked beyond words at Catherine's news. I cannot believe that this could happen again.

I don't think I'll be posting for a while. I'll post when there is some news, whatever it may be.

Terrible Twos

Beanie has turned two and it's like he read some sort of text book on the terrible twos. He's become disobedient and is throwing toys and food and refusing to eat his dinner. (It's fine to refuse to eat dinner but not to manifest it by squishing your hands in it and throwing it on the floor....) Before, when we told him off and told him to pick up his toys, he would look contrite and do it. Now he just laughs at me!

Today I really yelled at him and banged my hand on the kitchen table as I did it. Oh dear. Not good for him or me. I know all the theory, that he is testing his limits (and mine) and also that he is perturbed by the fact that there is a baby coming who is always with Mummy (since it's in her tummy), even when he comes to snuggle, the baby's constantly there (and he says: "no baby")and that when I can I rest such as over the Easter bank holiday, I do, and thus spend less time with him if DH is around.

I need to make sure I remember all that when he misbehaves..... and control my own stress levels. And remember how lucky I am to have him at all, which I generally do remember. But losing children doesn't automatically make you into some sort of super mummy.

I had another checkup today at the foetal medicine specialist. Blood flow through the heart and cord were normal and Coccinelle is measuring 50th percentile at 2.1 kgs. On the other hand they calculated Beanie's weight as quite a bit more than the supposed error margin in those calculations. But okay.

I thought about asking if she had a nuchal cord today but I didn't. I am only 34 weeks. What would I do in case of a positive answer? I may ask next week though.

Step by step

Last week on Tuesday I had another panic which involved my driving to the hospital on my own (DH had to take care of Beanie) for a heart rate monitoring session. I hadn't been feeling confident on the movements all day, and despite having found Coccinelle's heartbeat with my Doppler two or three times, it had all just built up by the time DH got home and I called the hospital in tears.

First I called the local hospital which isn't where I'm delivering, but is 5 minutes drive away from the new house. But they don't know me or my history and I was explaining it in tears. They were all set to have me come in when I said that I was delivering at the other hospital. Then the person I was speaking to asked if I had felt a movement within the last 2 hours (I had, I just wasn't feeling great about the strength of the movements) and she said it would be better to drive to the hospital I would be delivering at. That's about 25 mins drive away. She also gave me some crap about how one movement within 24 hours is enough??!!

By the time I called my own hospital to say I wanted to come in, I was well stressed. And it was in the end better to go there, as a) the midwife answering the phone knew me and my history - she even knew me when I was pregnant with V and b) told me that of course I could come in straightaway and c) to be careful driving.

Coccinelle was fine. At my next checkup with my OB, which was this week on Tuesday, we discussed the episode and she said that EVERYONE knew my history at the hospital I'm delivering at and that of course I should go to the nearest hospital in case of an real emergency but probably it was best to go to my own hospital for these monitoring sessions.

We had previously talked about my getting back in touch with my psychiatrist, who followed me through A's diagnosis, my father's death and my whole pregnancy with Beanie. But there is nothing much new to say, so I don't feel this would help me. (and also I don't know if my insurance will pay for more psych sessions). I did my usual trick of self-analysis, which doesn't always come out well, and determined two new things this time around:

1) With Beanie, if it had come to a choice between my life and his life, I was 100% sure that his life should be saved. Now, if something were to happen to me during the birth, I can't fathom how Beanie would manage without a mother. I feel quite conflicted about this and there is no conclusion to be drawn. I also can't fathom sacrificing Coccinelle for my own life.

2) Because I have to explain that Coccinelle is coming to Beanie, it forces me to a position where I have to say "when Coccinelle is here" rather than "if Coccinelle makes it". I stuck to the "if" position with Beanie until he was actually born safe and sound.

Those are the new aspects.

Anyway, I've stopped working now (phew) and as from next week will be on two checks a week, and then we will take it as is necessary.

Sorry for rambling post.

Happy Birthday Beanie

[photo removed]

Mummy loves you so much!

Flashbacks

Last week I had my two steroid shots. I didn't stay overnight in the hospital this time, which to be honest was only arranged for my nerves last time.

On Wednesday I had the first shot. The midwife taking care of me was the same one who delivered Beanie. I had heart rate monitoring first and it took a while to find the heartbeat - but I didn't panic as I could feel Coccinelle kicking away. Finally the midwife held her in place by pressing a bit on my belly and the machine got a good trace. We carried on monitoring after the injecion and it was okay. In the end it only took an hour or so. My OB was there at the beginning.

On Thursday I went in for my second shot. My OB wasn't there this time around but I knew that she wouldn't be. I didn't know the midwife and had to wait past my appointment as there were no rooms free. This is okay, obstetrics and childbirth aren't exactly predictable. When I came in she said, "oh I see this is your third!!!"

"No," I said, "it's my fourth pregnancy." (I generally don't count the very early miscarriage / chemical I had last May, although the midwife on Wednesday asked about it).

She hooked me up, we heard Coccinelle's heartbeat briefly and then it slipped away. She told me to hold the monitor in a certain place and then left me to do something else. Honestly I accept she was busy as there were births going on etc. But at the moment she left the room, the machine was registering my heartbeat and not Coccinelle's.

Alone, I managed to work myself up into a panic. The room, whilst not the same one as I had V in, was exactly the same layout and view. I kept squirming around to try to find Coccinelle's heartbeat. It was there, just fading in and out on the machine, which kept losing the trace. I suppose moving the sensor around my belly myself brought additional flashbacks of the time when V's heartbeat could not be found. I started crying which was irrational, as I didn't really think anything was wrong with Coccinelle. When the midwife finally came back I said, "Do you know why I'm having these lung maturation shots? Because my first baby died at 40 weeks 4 days and I don't think it's right that I have to find her heartbeat on my own!" (which I do with my home doppler sometimes, but that's what I said anyway).

Well, this midwife was devastated and very apologetic. She called for help and told me how sorry she was. The chief midwife came and stayed with me and held the sensor in place until we had a decent trace. I had the shot and then went home.

I think that was my first full on panic this pregnancy. The next day I had a check up with the specialist for growth check and placental bloodflow check etc and all was fine. I will see my own OB on March 30th and will ask for weekly or more frequent checks for the rest of April. The earliest induction date (assuming all continues to go well) will be 24th April and the latest 1st May.

We finally picked a name for Coccinelle which in the end is the name V would have had if he had been a girl. Suddenly for me it wasn't a problem any more that it would have been his name. In the end he wasn't a girl and didn't have that name. I don't know why I suddenly changed my mind on that, it just happened. (The second name will be different from the one we had chosen for the imaginary V-girl).

Ticker down

I had to take my ticker down as it was showing some page holder from the website I got it from, which was far too fluffy bunny. But I'm at 30 weeks now, almost 31. It's not really sinking in that potentially there might be a baby in 6-8 weeks time. Next week is steroid injections. Then maybe my OB will talk induction dates?

Beanie loves reading the book about new baby but doesn't seem to want to know the actual baby. This morning he wanted to hide under my duvet but I was there with the bump and he got upset and said "No baby, no baby". He didn't want the baby to be hiding there with him. It's hard to know how much he understands. I feel sad for him that an era of his life might be coming to an end - sad in a good way of course. He's certainly not the first kid who will go through this. Still, his life will be turned upside down, poor lamb.

In the end I have to face the fact that it could all turn out alright for Beanie's sake. I can't not prepare him for a baby coming and I certainly can't prepare him for a baby dying. There's no prep for that especially not for a 2 year old. Of course we don't talk about that. He sees the picture of V on my bedside table and knows his name, but thinks that his brother is asleep in the picture. All I say is that he's not asleep and I leave it at that.

(Yes, Beanie will be 2 years old at the end of March!)

Still not much naming progress for Coccinelle.

Closer

I had another checkup on Monday. All still seems okay. I have an appointment in mid-March for lung maturation steroid shots - this time as a walk in appointment on two successive days. For Beanie I stayed in overnight mostly so that they could monitor his heart rate but mostly so they could monitor my stress levels.

I've also dropped down a day at work, so am only working 40% instead of 60%. That's one of the advantages in this country - you take sick leave until your maternity leave if you're getting tired in late pregnancy. You just need a note from your doctor. There do need to be some family advantages here, it's the only country I know of where you end up paying more tax on a double income if you get married than if you had just stayed unmarried in the same household.

My mum is here at the moment. DH went on a business trip to a north-eastern African country more associated with the word genocide than business trip. He'll be back on Friday. I find my mum somewhat diminished in self-confidence and basically think this is down to getting used to living on her own. The longer she spends on her own the harder it will be for her to adjust if she ever comes to live with us.

I'm also not the most patient person, except with Beanie where I have reams of patience. With other people, well of course they're all fools (= JOKE!!!)

The car show is on again. My dad always wanted to go and we never made it with him.

Name struggle

I'm struggling with a finding a good name for Coccinelle at the moment.

The name I like the most on the list is too similar to A's real name. I'm not going to write the real names here, but it would be as if A's real name was David and I was going to call Coccinelle Davina or something like that. A had such a short life, that I feel like that would be diminishing the little he had.

Likewise, the name we had picked out for V in case he was a she feels like it belongs to him as a person. We didn't know V was a boy until after we knew he had died but we had chosen both names.

It's a challenge to find names which will be neither completely mispronounced in French or in English nor which will be a source of teasing in one or other language because of some meaning and which are of Hindu origin. Those are the criteria.

Kick counts

I have finally got the kick count charts I used for Beanie printed out, with my anally retentive spreadsheet all set up to start creating graphs. Kick counts start tonight.

I believe that my OB thinks this is not useful and will stress me more, but on this one point she doesn't understand that it stresses me less to monitor the movements. I never want to be in that position again, where I say, "can you tell when it happened?" and they say, "well when was the last time you felt the baby move?" and I say, "I don't know."

Checkup

I had a checkup on Friday, after a 3 week gap between checkups. I was getting a bit anxious and had a couple of times during that period where I was convinced that Coccinelle hadn't moved for a long time and I broke out the home Doppler. One of those times was at 4am.

But so far so good. Coccinelle did acrobatics for us to see on our OB's ultrasound machine and even yawned on camera. Once again the OB said, "there's absolutely no doubt it's a girl!" Her diaphragm was in place, her stomach was below her heart, her heart had four nice chambers, her bladder was full, her face showed no cleft palate or related issues, she had grown according to dates etc. etc.

We're going to switch to check-ups every two weeks now. Next one will be at the specialist and then again with my OB. At that point we will discuss steroids for Coccinelle's lungs and after that the non-stress tests will start.

Relations with DH have been pretty low over the last week and the weekend has been full of stress and hostility. I try to save most of mine for after Beanie has gone to bed. The majority of the arguments are boring, centred around cleaning (or lack thereof) the house, cooking meals (or lack thereof) and generally being efficient (or being inefficient). The arguments were centred around this when I was pregnant with V as well. With Beanie, there were fewer arguments and I felt very well supported from a psychological point of view. This time, not so much. I know I am sweating small stuff when I should know better.

Coccinelle

So here we are at 24 weeks. What WTF used to call the "cusp of viability". Where if she were to die now, I would be entitled to my full four month paid maternity leave. Where there are movements to be felt, and to be stressed about when not felt. Where people who don't know about V and A are making congratulatory comments and I generally cannot let it go by (the fluffy bunny stuff) without making a statement about how my first baby died at full term. Where random people ask me my due date and I cannot just say "mid-May" but I have to say "mid-May but I will probably be induced by the end of April".

But still. 24 weeks. One miracle at a time. They're all needed.

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Back in the eighties I loved a-ha and had magazine pictures of Mor.ten Hark.et pasted in my bedroom (and Ro.b Low.e) to fuel my teenage fantasies. So a couple of months ago I splashed out and bought their new CD in a fit of nostalgia. Since V died my relationship with music has been very iffy, unless it's for me to cry to - usually whilst driving which isn't ideal. I have slowly had to find new music with no old associations.

On the CD is a song called Nothing is Keeping You Here. And really, what is keeping me here? Well, Beanie of course and (- aside I haven't thought of a good blog name for baby #4, so let's call her Coccinelle which was one of the choices -) Coccinelle to a certain extent. I mean if something were to happen to Beanie, which is a euphemism for if Beanie were to die, then I can't guarantee that Coccinelle would be able to keep me here at this stage. Maybe.

And that's sort of it. In a post-Beanie-sans-Beanie future, I don't think my marriage would be strong enough to keep me here, nor any of my other relationships. The pull of the other side would be too strong. I would allow grief to swallow me up whole I think. Have I always lived for others or only since V died?

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I am slowly starting to feel at home in this new house. I cried at my last OB appointment, but I think it was due to me feeling utterly unsupported by DH for this pregnancy (as he was so absorbed by the house) and being overtired. This is slowly changing - DH now helps on a few mornings to get Beanie up and ready for crèche and is generally getting back in time to give him his bath, which is great. I am working on a new, fairly low pressure project at work which means that I can work in the office closer to me or at home once or twice a week and the roadworks which plagued my work journey last year have now ended. The crèche is now 4 mins drive away from home. So it's working out slowly.

I'm haven't steeled myself to buying anything new for Coccinelle yet but I did order some (lilac) wool to knit her a little jacket. The main thing we will have to buy is a bed or cot or bassinette or something for her to sleep in. Everything else is already available since V. times but Beanie is still in that cot. I have no idea which room we will put her in but I don't have to think about that yet since she will be in our room for at least 6 months, assuming she makes it. I will probably end up eating my words but I don't really care about the pink stuff - I'm quite happy for her to wear Beanie's mostly blue stuff!

A recent Beanie picture

I finally located the cable needed to upload pictures from the camera - there are still a lot of boxes to be unpacked around here. This is a picture of Beanie in the UK over Christmas. It was cold!

[photo removed]

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to anyone who might still be reading here. Since I last posted, several things happened:

We moved house on 12th December - pretty hectic and stressful but we managed it, and getting our flat cleaned up and ready to give the keys back by 15th December.

A week after moving, we spent two weeks in the UK, with my mum, my brother and SIL, my niece and nephew. It's the longest time I ever spent with my nephew who turned three two days before Christmas. It was okay and I didn't find that I was constantly comparing him to what should have been with V. (I did do that a few times throughout the two weeks though). Beanie had a great time playing with his cousins. My mum took at least a week to understand that the same standards of cleanliness and tidiness just can't be maintained when eight people are in the house as when there is one, but overall she enjoyed our visit.

I turned 37 on 3rd January (sniff). It was actually a pretty crappy day.

We had our 20 week check up today (actually 21 weeks) and all was okay. I can feel movements now although clearly from the ultrasound pics I know I can't feel all of them. I will start my kick counts in a few weeks.

We found out today that it's a girl!