Here is a picture of Coccinelle at almost 6 weeks.
Apart from a gunky eye, which you can't see here as I had just cleaned it, she seems to be doing well.
DH finally took some days off and things got a little better. I am still harbouring a lot of residual anger and I still explode at him for the slightest thing. If the truth be told, I am also angry with him, probably wrongly, about what happened to A. Whilst I wavered about the te.rm.inati.on, he was quite sure. I wasn't strong enough and I don't believe that we explored about all the possible options and outcomes thoroughly enough. But he was already sure. Logically I know that my Dad had just died suddenly cutting short any time for reflection. We had no time left. The longer you leave such a decision, the worse it becomes. Maybe A would have died in utero anyway or after birth or during heart surgery or or or.
I still don't feel 100% comfortable in this "new" house although it's improving slowly. And I'm still angry about the lack of support throughout the pregnancy and the fact that I had to ask him to take more than a couple of days off after the birth of a baby. At least he has a job with good benefits.
But I do feel a bit calmer nevertheless. Probably some part of it was made worse by a dose of postpartum hormones.
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It just slipped out. I referred to Beanie as "the first". Today another parent at daycare who has kids 23 months apart stopped to coo at Coccinelle. She asked how everything was going and in part of my answer I said, "for the first you tend not to leave them crying when they're so little, but when there are two, you inevitably have to sometimes." I don't really know this woman and she certainly doesn't know my history. But as I got into the car I immediately regretted saying that. If only the first had cried. I told myself that "first" was an abbreviation for "first living child". It's quite lame.
6 comments:
(((hugs)))
Try to go easy on yourself. It never really gets easier. Just different. I hope things improve with dh.
C is gorgeous.
I agree with Kathy. Knowing that you are a quite private person, I don't judge your comment at all as being disrespectful or not remembering V or A. The fact that YOU thought of it immediately and all of the awfulness that goes with it is quite enough.
My goodness you make gorgeous children. She is simply perfect.
Cyndi
I've come to believe that there is nothing to regret. Am I going to say that Myles is the fourth but two of his older brothers died in utero? No. It's just easier. And anything that makes life easier is a good thing.
You don't often talk about your husband, so I'm not sure how to respond to that. So I'll just say...I hope it gets better for you.
((((hugs)))) She is beautiful!
Yes, i agree with the others above. I rarely feel guilty any more for not mentioning or including Nicolas. I just can't go through all that with strangers anymore.
I hope it gets better with dh.
Aw, look at that baby! So cute!
I hope you can get used to referring to your LC as "first child" and "second child" without feeling guilty. Discussing your family in terms that don't expose your very private heartbreak to casual friends/acquaintances can be a blessing. Hopefully you leave yourself some room for taking the slightly easier road on that front.
As for the ter.min.ation -- well, I know something about those. And it is an extra burden to have to make the choice. (After mine, I prayed that if the next baby wasn't healthy, I would at least have a miscarriage ... I don't think a lot of people who haven't had that sort of loss before could understand that.) Anyway, I hope that you can go easy on yourself for your motives. Once that happens, going easier on DH will probably naturally follow.
Hang in there.
I regret not seeing her picture; my bad.
My experience (marriage through trauma and birth) was somewhat from the same registry, I can only say that My marriage went through a transformation each time we had a new baby. It has never gone back to what it was before babies. Yes, I longed for things from before, but the reality was that that relationship evolved.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metamorphosis
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