Happy Birthday Beanie

[photo removed]

Mummy loves you so much!

Flashbacks

Last week I had my two steroid shots. I didn't stay overnight in the hospital this time, which to be honest was only arranged for my nerves last time.

On Wednesday I had the first shot. The midwife taking care of me was the same one who delivered Beanie. I had heart rate monitoring first and it took a while to find the heartbeat - but I didn't panic as I could feel Coccinelle kicking away. Finally the midwife held her in place by pressing a bit on my belly and the machine got a good trace. We carried on monitoring after the injecion and it was okay. In the end it only took an hour or so. My OB was there at the beginning.

On Thursday I went in for my second shot. My OB wasn't there this time around but I knew that she wouldn't be. I didn't know the midwife and had to wait past my appointment as there were no rooms free. This is okay, obstetrics and childbirth aren't exactly predictable. When I came in she said, "oh I see this is your third!!!"

"No," I said, "it's my fourth pregnancy." (I generally don't count the very early miscarriage / chemical I had last May, although the midwife on Wednesday asked about it).

She hooked me up, we heard Coccinelle's heartbeat briefly and then it slipped away. She told me to hold the monitor in a certain place and then left me to do something else. Honestly I accept she was busy as there were births going on etc. But at the moment she left the room, the machine was registering my heartbeat and not Coccinelle's.

Alone, I managed to work myself up into a panic. The room, whilst not the same one as I had V in, was exactly the same layout and view. I kept squirming around to try to find Coccinelle's heartbeat. It was there, just fading in and out on the machine, which kept losing the trace. I suppose moving the sensor around my belly myself brought additional flashbacks of the time when V's heartbeat could not be found. I started crying which was irrational, as I didn't really think anything was wrong with Coccinelle. When the midwife finally came back I said, "Do you know why I'm having these lung maturation shots? Because my first baby died at 40 weeks 4 days and I don't think it's right that I have to find her heartbeat on my own!" (which I do with my home doppler sometimes, but that's what I said anyway).

Well, this midwife was devastated and very apologetic. She called for help and told me how sorry she was. The chief midwife came and stayed with me and held the sensor in place until we had a decent trace. I had the shot and then went home.

I think that was my first full on panic this pregnancy. The next day I had a check up with the specialist for growth check and placental bloodflow check etc and all was fine. I will see my own OB on March 30th and will ask for weekly or more frequent checks for the rest of April. The earliest induction date (assuming all continues to go well) will be 24th April and the latest 1st May.

We finally picked a name for Coccinelle which in the end is the name V would have had if he had been a girl. Suddenly for me it wasn't a problem any more that it would have been his name. In the end he wasn't a girl and didn't have that name. I don't know why I suddenly changed my mind on that, it just happened. (The second name will be different from the one we had chosen for the imaginary V-girl).

Ticker down

I had to take my ticker down as it was showing some page holder from the website I got it from, which was far too fluffy bunny. But I'm at 30 weeks now, almost 31. It's not really sinking in that potentially there might be a baby in 6-8 weeks time. Next week is steroid injections. Then maybe my OB will talk induction dates?

Beanie loves reading the book about new baby but doesn't seem to want to know the actual baby. This morning he wanted to hide under my duvet but I was there with the bump and he got upset and said "No baby, no baby". He didn't want the baby to be hiding there with him. It's hard to know how much he understands. I feel sad for him that an era of his life might be coming to an end - sad in a good way of course. He's certainly not the first kid who will go through this. Still, his life will be turned upside down, poor lamb.

In the end I have to face the fact that it could all turn out alright for Beanie's sake. I can't not prepare him for a baby coming and I certainly can't prepare him for a baby dying. There's no prep for that especially not for a 2 year old. Of course we don't talk about that. He sees the picture of V on my bedside table and knows his name, but thinks that his brother is asleep in the picture. All I say is that he's not asleep and I leave it at that.

(Yes, Beanie will be 2 years old at the end of March!)

Still not much naming progress for Coccinelle.

Closer

I had another checkup on Monday. All still seems okay. I have an appointment in mid-March for lung maturation steroid shots - this time as a walk in appointment on two successive days. For Beanie I stayed in overnight mostly so that they could monitor his heart rate but mostly so they could monitor my stress levels.

I've also dropped down a day at work, so am only working 40% instead of 60%. That's one of the advantages in this country - you take sick leave until your maternity leave if you're getting tired in late pregnancy. You just need a note from your doctor. There do need to be some family advantages here, it's the only country I know of where you end up paying more tax on a double income if you get married than if you had just stayed unmarried in the same household.

My mum is here at the moment. DH went on a business trip to a north-eastern African country more associated with the word genocide than business trip. He'll be back on Friday. I find my mum somewhat diminished in self-confidence and basically think this is down to getting used to living on her own. The longer she spends on her own the harder it will be for her to adjust if she ever comes to live with us.

I'm also not the most patient person, except with Beanie where I have reams of patience. With other people, well of course they're all fools (= JOKE!!!)

The car show is on again. My dad always wanted to go and we never made it with him.