2

[photo removed]

Happy birthday my darling. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much and wish you were running around and playing with your little brother, who looks so much like you. I am learning to live with your absence, for now. We will meet again sweets. I am sure of it. And I will take you in my arms and smother you with a lifetime's worth of hugs and kisses I have saved for you.

So it begins again

2 years ago today, it was V's due date. I didn't even realise until I looked at the date on my computer. So it has just hit me.

I've been feeling off colour and a bit stomach-buggy since yesterday evening and was wondering what I ate. But maybe this is the only reason.

So begins the awful anniversary week. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of when I last heard his heartbeat and saw him moving around perfectly fine on the ultrasound.

Stupid Cow

The other day I went to the local village post office with Beanie in his pram. He was awake and flirted with everyone in the post office, gracing them with smiles. An elderly man was behind me in the queue and cooed at Beanie.

"Is he smiling at you?" I asked the elderly man.

"Oh yes. How old is he, about 4 months?"

"Yes, he's almost 4 months," I said.

"But he has so much hair! I have a grandson who is 5 months and he has hardly any hair!" he said.

"He was born with a lot of hair," I said.


I was just having a polite conversation with an elderly man because I was brought up to respect the elderly.


Then the (not elderly) post office lady butted in:

"Did you have a lot of acidity?"

???? "Ummm, you mean during the pregnancy?"

"Yes, because they say when they're born with a lot of hair, the mother gets a lot of acidity."

"No, I didn't really have a lot," I said.

"Oh, well you're VERY lucky!"

"......."

"I mean you're VERY lucky that you didn't have a lot of acid reflux because he was born with so much hair! Really lucky!" she repeated.

What I wanted to say: "No, I'm very lucky because he was born alive and healthy and he still is. And pray tell me the scientific explanation for why hair on an unborn child would cause you to have more acidity? I'm dying to know."

What I actually said: "Have a good day."

I restrained myself quite well, don't you think?

Silent symbols

You know that wedding I went to a few days back, the one where it was the first time I left Beanie for more than an hour or two with my inlaws?

It was also only the second time I've worn make-up since V died. The other time was also at a wedding, in October last year. At both of these weddings I felt it would be actively rude not to look like I had made a little effort. The one in October was of the daughter of our neighbour in the UK, who was pretty much my Dad's best friend and who has been and continues to be a huge help to my mother. The one a few days ago was of a person who has been a really good friend to me, before but especially since V's death.

Not wearing make-up has sort of become a private symbol of my silent ongoing mourning. It's not a huge deal since I didn't exactly wear a lot of make-up before, but it is deliberate. Maybe no-one else even notices. I met DH whilst backpacking for a year, which didn't really involve much make-up but did involve lots of bleary-eyed, dusty haired, early mornings and some longish periods without taking a shower. So he certainly doesn't care about a lack of make-up, and if he doesn't care I don't see why anyone else should.

It started because for months after V died, I could not doing contemplate anything which was not purely functional and make-up seemed so inappropriately frivolous. At first it seemed like betrayal and then it just seemed pointless. And a plain face matched my stripped down life.

I also haven't worn jewellry apart from my wedding and engagement rings and a plain gold band I got for V with his name and date of birth engraved inside. I also wear a pendant chain which is a tradition in my father's family, with a Hindu deity on it. (I actually stopped wearing that after V died as it was supposed to protect me but it didn't protect V. I started again after Dad died). I haven't worn any other jewellry, i.e jewellry that is just there to look pretty without symbolism, since V died. Not at the weddings either. The holes in my ears have probably closed up now since it's at least two years since I wore earrings.

I have had two pedicures though. One I didn't really want, but my brother gave it to me as a birthday present when I was pregnant with Beanie and I mostly got it so as to not hurt his feelings. The other was ahead of the wedding a few days ago and I chose to get it. But I really thought about getting it before I did.

As I said, it's not that difficult to keep up. I said to myself that after V's second birthday I would maybe check out the holes in my ears. But for some reason I don't feel like it. I don't know how long this silent deliberate sign of mourning will go on for. Maybe forever. Why not?

At least my face can smile spontaneously and genuinely now - I can smile spontaneously and genuinely now. That's probably the only adornment necessary.

Coming up to 2

We are coming up to V's 2nd birthday. It has been heavy on my mind for quite a few weeks. I was looking through the few pictures we have of V. In contrast to Beanie's, well, aliveness, death springs out of V's pictures. His skin is too pale, his lips and fingernails are too blue. He was my first baby and so he was my norm until Beanie came along.

My darling firstborn V. Looking at your pictures makes me so very sad that you are not here to celebrate your 2nd birthday. Tears roll down my face. I am ashamed to admit that I have been avoiding looking at them closely since your second little brother was born. I don't know why. But yesterday I got out your unfinished album and looked at them closely again.

Beanie looked like Daddy when he was born and so did you. Except Beanie has changed now and looks more like me. Would you have done that too? Would your eyelashes have grown endlessly and your big blue eyes have turned dark brown? Would your cheeks have filled out suddenly? Would you have loved to fall asleep in my arms? I wish had stroked your soft black hair. I didn't even kiss you because I was shocked and afraid of death. I wish I had known how precious those few moments with you were and I wish I had spent them absorbing you more fully, drinking you in and holding you close.

We left a flower for V at the lake where his and A's ashes were scattered. On 29th July we are going to be visiting my mother and so we won't be able to visit the lake like we did last year.

Growing up

My current biggest baby-death fear is of course SIDS. Beanie's crib is completely bare except for a tight-fitting sheet and mattress cover underneath that. There are no toys or blankets. Now it's warm he sleeps just in pyjamas with no covers but before that he had a sleeping bag / sack. Needless to say I always put him to sleep on his back. He's brea.stfed. He still sleeps in our room and will continue to do so until he's six months old. He does tummy time every day and is very good at holding his head up. He showing the beginnings of rolling over from tummy to back but hasn't done it yet.

I know of two babies who died of SIDS in real life. One was the daughter of a woman in our support group. She found her daughter dead in her crib at 15 months old. 15 months old! She had had some routine vaccinations the day before and the mother always thought her death was related, even though the autopsy was inconclusive, as it so often is. And of course the paediatrician had seen her the day before as well and pronounced her in perfect health.

The second is a woman who I know through work only. Her first son died of SIDS aged 5 months, 15 years ago. It was the very first time she had left him at a childminder.

This morning I found Beanie sleeping on his side. Aaaargh! Doesn't he know he's only supposed to do things like that under close supervision? How long before I find him face down? I didn't get an Ang.elcare monitor as I heard they generate lots of false alarms and make life very stressful. Does anyone have experience of using one? Would you recommend it?

Anniversary

Today is one year since my LMP. I don't know why I felt like writing that down, just seemed like a different type of anniversary, that's all.

I'm probably going to bre.astfeed Beanie exclusively for around 5-6 months and then start weaning. I have no idea how long it will take, but I'm going back to work in January, so it will definitely be over by then. And secretly I'm wondering how long it will take for my periods to come back and how long I will wait before TTC again. I will be 36 in January and I first got pregnant, with V., when I was 32, which didn't seem so late to start trying at the time.

I'm not feeding Beanie at night anymore so maybe my cycles will come back before I stop breastfeeding? Who knows? I'm not going to TTC whilst bre.astfeeding though. I suppose I have to spare my body even the possibility of the double-whammy of pregnant whilst producing milk. Then I really would be knackered.

Perfection redefined

So Beanie and I survived our first separation of more than a few hours. I slept with him at my in-laws the night before so he (I and MIL) could get used to it. The wedding was of a very good friend who has been really here for me in the last two years and I didn't want to miss it. I called in several times to check he was okay and felt more relieved when I heard he had eaten something (although not as much I had expected) and that he was asleep in bed. We got in at about 1am and I pumped milk for the feed I missed. DH checked in on Beanie and he was fast asleep.

Phew. It was a major milestone for me.

I'll have to blog another time about an ex-friend I saw at the wedding whom I haven't seen since V died.

*********

It seems we are very lucky. Beanie started sleeping through the night about two weeks ago. He goes for a 12 hour stretch at night without needing to feed. It was taking an hour to get him to go to sleep after bath, change and feed. I let him cry ONE TIME at bedtime - when he was 3 months old (he cried for ten minutes, I went in to comfort him without picking him up, he cried for another ten minutes, I did it again, he cried for eight minutes and went to sleep). He seemed to learn after this one time that he should go to sleep at night much faster and he does. The daytime naps are more difficult but getting better and better and I can see a schedule emerging. In fact Beanie has fallen into his own schedule. He dropped his 11pm feed on his own and then he dropped his 4am feed on his own. He needs about three naps a day.

He's healthy, beautiful, cute and now gives me a big smile in the morning when I go to pick him up for his breakfast. He only cries when he's overtired. He is just perfect. I am back to my post-V&A-pre-Beanie weight. (I don't know if my pre V&A weight will ever be seen again). Brea.stfeeding has been a breeze for me, never a cracked nip.ple or a latch on problem.

I've requested to extend my unpaid leave from work until the end of the year. (Paid maternity leave finishes at the end of this month). My company has this as a policy and we can afford it financially and I want to look after Beanie full time until he is older.

Everything is just perfect.

Except that V and A are dead. I can't help thinking that. Everything is perfect apart from V and A are dead. And my Dad never got to meet Beanie in this life. And my Mum lives on her own in another country. And I wonder whether Beanie will end up growing up as an only child - not a tragedy in it's own right but something I never wanted.

Why did that happen? Why was my perfect life scarred in that way? Would I have enjoyed Beanie as much had V and A not died? Would I have taken V for granted had he lived? Would I have been bitching about looking after him, or the drudgery of laundry, cooking dinner and hoovering all the time? Getting spit on and changing leaky nappies?

Maybe I think life is bordering on perfect now because I can see what is important and what isn't much more clearly than before. I do still sweat some small stuff. But the sweating doesn't last long and I get over it much faster. My idea of perfection is very different now and takes into account things which can't be changed.

Deep breaths

Tomorrow night will be the first evening I'm leaving Beanie. We are going to a wedding and Beanie will be at my in-laws. Deep deep breaths. I mean, we are only staying the evening at the wedding and we're going to sleep at my in-laws that same night as the wedding is closer to their place than ours (and of course I much prefer checking on Beanie myself the same night!) So in reality I'm only leaving him for about 7 hours, most of which I hope he will spend asleep. But it's still freaking me out.....

When V died I spent several months imagining him Somewhere Else, crying for me and wondering why I didn't come. It was pure torture and led to moments of wishing for death so I could follow him to hold him close and soothe him. I don't know if Beanie will cry for me or his Papa tomorrow night. It will be difficult - but not torture.

I have some real posts in me somewhere, but no time to write them properly. That's because I prioritised form over substance in changing my blog template. Still got to put back all my links.

Changing

I'm in the middle of changing my template but I haven't finished it yet. Links will be back up sometime soonish.... bear with me please!

Brother vs BIL

If things continue the way they are for another month which is quite likely, then my brother, who lives on another continent, will meet Beanie before my BIL, who lives half an hour away. My brother and SIL are taking his precious US-lite holiday allowance to come to meet Beanie, making a transatlantic trip with two small children and spending money to stay close by (as I can't put them all up) when the dollar is at an all time low. My BIL works a very light schedule as far as I understand from my MIL and FIL and wouldn't even have to take holiday to see Beanie.

My BIL is the one who told me that Moksha's death came at an "inconvenient time" for him which managed to shock even my psychiatrist. It's something I will never be able to forgive him for. He has not been in touch with us at all for almost two years so he probably doesn't even know I can't forgive him. Except for the time when Beanie was born and he sent an SMS the day after saying "Congratulations! I'm coming this evening." I told DH that my BIL was NOT a person I wanted to see the day after giving birth to Beanie. I wanted to share no such precious moment with him.

So DH told him that there were lots of visitors already and I needed to rest which was also conveniently true. And surely most people would say, "Is it okay if I come this evening?" when it's the day after the birth, no? Unless they were very close to you. I would, anyway. I thought that at that particular moment, it was my prerogative to feel like that.

After that, nothing. As far as I know he has not even seen or asked to see a picture of Beanie or ever asked how he's doing or called DH since that SMS. He has made it abundantly clear that family ties are not important to him. We are no more important to him than a random guy on the street. I don't think he even knows about A.

I don't want to deprive Beanie of an uncle, even a crappy one, so I've told DH that he can take Beanie to meet his brother whenever he wants, just that I won't be there. I think the next time I see my BIL I won't even be able to bring myself to faire la bise* which should get the message across as it would be very rude of me.


* Here it's twice. It's not a custom I particularly like, especially as women have to do it to other men and other women. It takes half an hour to leave any sort of gathering as you have to go round kissing everyone, even on hot sweaty days. Yuck. Funnily, leaving a party without doing this properly is known as "filer à l'anglaise" - slipping out the English way. It's not a compliment - it's considered rude.
Updated to say - I meant to type here it's three kisses not two! Doh!

Georgia is here!

Go and give Brenda and S some congratulations on the safe arrival of Georgia Mae!
Happy happy news!