So Beanie and I survived our first separation of more than a few hours. I slept with him at my in-laws the night before so he (I and MIL) could get used to it. The wedding was of a very good friend who has been really here for me in the last two years and I didn't want to miss it. I called in several times to check he was okay and felt more relieved when I heard he had eaten something (although not as much I had expected) and that he was asleep in bed. We got in at about 1am and I pumped milk for the feed I missed. DH checked in on Beanie and he was fast asleep.
Phew. It was a major milestone for me.
I'll have to blog another time about an ex-friend I saw at the wedding whom I haven't seen since V died.
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It seems we are very lucky. Beanie started sleeping through the night about two weeks ago. He goes for a 12 hour stretch at night without needing to feed. It was taking an hour to get him to go to sleep after bath, change and feed. I let him cry ONE TIME at bedtime - when he was 3 months old (he cried for ten minutes, I went in to comfort him without picking him up, he cried for another ten minutes, I did it again, he cried for eight minutes and went to sleep). He seemed to learn after this one time that he should go to sleep at night much faster and he does. The daytime naps are more difficult but getting better and better and I can see a schedule emerging. In fact Beanie has fallen into his own schedule. He dropped his 11pm feed on his own and then he dropped his 4am feed on his own. He needs about three naps a day.
He's healthy, beautiful, cute and now gives me a big smile in the morning when I go to pick him up for his breakfast. He only cries when he's overtired. He is just perfect. I am back to my post-V&A-pre-Beanie weight. (I don't know if my pre V&A weight will ever be seen again). Brea.stfeeding has been a breeze for me, never a cracked nip.ple or a latch on problem.
I've requested to extend my unpaid leave from work until the end of the year. (Paid maternity leave finishes at the end of this month). My company has this as a policy and we can afford it financially and I want to look after Beanie full time until he is older.
Everything is just perfect.
Except that V and A are dead. I can't help thinking that. Everything is perfect apart from V and A are dead. And my Dad never got to meet Beanie in this life. And my Mum lives on her own in another country. And I wonder whether Beanie will end up growing up as an only child - not a tragedy in it's own right but something I never wanted.
Why did that happen? Why was my perfect life scarred in that way? Would I have enjoyed Beanie as much had V and A not died? Would I have taken V for granted had he lived? Would I have been bitching about looking after him, or the drudgery of laundry, cooking dinner and hoovering all the time? Getting spit on and changing leaky nappies?
Maybe I think life is bordering on perfect now because I can see what is important and what isn't much more clearly than before. I do still sweat some small stuff. But the sweating doesn't last long and I get over it much faster. My idea of perfection is very different now and takes into account things which can't be changed.
6 years ago
3 comments:
I am glad some things are working themselves out for you. It is nice to get a few baby-related things down with little effort, isn't it? I also had a very easy time breastfeeding, and Monkey was very good with her schedule.
I have been preparing myself for the idea that "except A is dead" will always be there for me. I am not sure if there is a way to think of oneself as being at peace with that sort of background, or if accepting it doesn't necessarily mean being at peace with it. Because it will always be wrong. But it will always be. So I don't know...
I so understand this post, Rosepetal. I keep thinking about the only child concern, but I also wonder whether I really would think this motherhood thing is a lot easier than I'd expected if getting here hadn't been so difficult. Then again, maybe we are just finally having a bit of exceptional luck.
Except for the 12-hour nights. I can't really complain about Samuel, but since the teeth started coming nights have become a bit trying. But still, not what I THOUGHT teething would be like.
Thank goodness for good natured babies.
Yes, i totally get this too. I feel the same way....often i wonder how i got so *lucky* with my life, except that Nicolas is dead. Then there is also waiting for the other shoe to drop, the thought that this luck will not last.
I will tell you that i think there is a different perspective after loss. Chloe was not really an easy baby (with respect to sleeping), and the boys are good babies but there are two of them so as you know i certainly had my share of difficult nights. Not to mention the ongoing health drama LOL. Still, i can't really complain at all because those things, though they are hard when they are happening, are things which pass. And that is very different than the loss of a loved one, which is there forever. But i think, with reference to what julia said, that you can find peace nevertheless -- because the pain is not like it was. After time, it is not acute and debilitating and all-encompassing...the way it used to be.
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