Dear A

I essentially regret my choice for A whilst at the same time doubting that my marriage could have taken the strain after the two previous deaths of V and my father. But in a purist sort of way, taking the invasions of real life out of the equation, I regret it.

I doubt that I could have taken the mental strain of the additional worries of the pregnancy.
I doubt that I could have taken care of A. on my own had my marriage failed.
I don't know if A would have survived the pregnancy. It didn't cross my mind that V would not.
I don't know if A's heart defect would have righted itself or become worse or if he would have suffered after birth because of it.

I am still mentally fragile, despite the sincere wonders and joys and smiles that Beanie brings every day. I have regular invasions of melancholy even though they are not tangibly linked to grief for any of the three people missing. It's a background of sadness. It's not just under the surface, a little deeper than that, but it's not very deep either.

If you like, read this article.

Beanie aged 7.5 months

[photo removed]

Beanie aged 7.5 months. I have lots of things to write about but the words are just not flowing. We're staying with my mum for a couple of weeks whilst DH is on a business trip (to S. Africa, Zambia, Angola (!) and DRC (!!!!)).

In the news: ovary transplant

This sounds like an amazing step forward (for identical twins).

I'm not going to analyse it here - I have been lucky enough not to have known infertility to boot. I got pregnant three times without problems.

I just wanted to say that it bothered me that they are reporting on the success story because she will give birth in one week. Couldn't they have waited one more week to be sure that the baby would be born alive and healthy?

If the point was that she got pregnant, then they could have reported on it earlier, no?

This is just how those who know full term stillbirth after perfectly normal glowing pregnancies think.