I essentially regret my choice for A whilst at the same time doubting that my marriage could have taken the strain after the two previous deaths of V and my father. But in a purist sort of way, taking the invasions of real life out of the equation, I regret it.
I doubt that I could have taken the mental strain of the additional worries of the pregnancy.
I doubt that I could have taken care of A. on my own had my marriage failed.
I don't know if A would have survived the pregnancy. It didn't cross my mind that V would not.
I don't know if A's heart defect would have righted itself or become worse or if he would have suffered after birth because of it.
I am still mentally fragile, despite the sincere wonders and joys and smiles that Beanie brings every day. I have regular invasions of melancholy even though they are not tangibly linked to grief for any of the three people missing. It's a background of sadness. It's not just under the surface, a little deeper than that, but it's not very deep either.
If you like, read this article.
6 years ago
11 comments:
I can't say that I understand all that you feel. But I think it's unfair (to yourself) to imagine "taking the invasions of real life out of the equation." You can't regret something that happened in a magical bubble that never existed. Well...you CAN...but I think you should be more gentle on yourself. What if is a powerful question...but it never has a definite (or fair) answer).
I don't understand how you feel...but I can relate. Just wanted to offer support and (((hugs)))
What Catherine said....and sending (((((hugs)))))....i am thinking of you and A.
I'll always regret and not regret, all at the same time, hard way to live, hard to live with, constant background of sadness that I don't ever expect to leave me entirely, I doubt it will for you either or any of us.
HUGS my friend.
xxx
I don't know how you feel exactly but I get the undercurrent of melancholy. Please be good to yourself. You made the best choiceyou could at the time for you and your family.
I agree with CLC. You aren't making the decisions now - you had to make them then, with the information you had available then, and with the freshness of your other losses so clear in your mind.
It's unfair to yourself to look back now and wonder.
Be all kinds of kind to yourself, my friend. You deserve it. You did the best you could and no one could ever ask for more than that.
It's interesting to me that you left out what was probably a key reason for your choice: A desire to spare A. suffering. You didn't know the exact severity of his problems, but you knew unfixable, serious things were coming, and you searched for a way to be decent and merciful to your boy. You love him and did your best.
That your choice was also merciful to you and your marriage doesn't negate this other selfless factor. So I guess I am urging you to remember this other side of your decision when you think about the story of your choice. It may not be a neat and tidy list of reasons, but nothing about this is tidy, or black and white.
Thinking of you and A.
Wabi - yes it was the key reason for the choice at the time which as you know has to made quickly. But I will never know if my choice acheived that or not.
I think there's no way you could look back on the loss of A. without regret. But there was no GOOD choice to make.
I agree that as a society we too quickly assume that women will terminate when a baby will be disabled.
That's why I didn't have any prenatal testing with my first pregnancy. That and a sense of optimism, that we could cope with whatever came our way. My daughter was perfect – but died at full term from a placental abruption.
I had testing with the next pregnancy I carried past the first trimester. I don't know what I would have done had my son been diagnosed with a major disability in utero. I suspect I would have terminated – because I no longer have that certainty in my resilience, optimism and ability to cope with what comes.
I feel vulnerable. I don't think I could survive bearing a child and losing him or watching him suffer every day while having to battle for the treatment and education he'd need or having my marriage collapse under the strain.
Be kind to yourself, Rosepetal. I think you can feel sad about a decision while realizing it was the only one you could make at the time.
I remember you writing at the time of speaking to a psychologist who made a point that it doesn't matter what you would have done at a different point in your life, past or future. You were where you were, full of grief and longing. Knowing what you knew, an uncertain future, one where you knew to expect surgeries and hospital stays, and still a strong possibility of losing another child, after more pain and suffering for both you and him, how could that future anything but terrify you? I am just an observer, but I remember your words from then. From where you are now, it might seem different. But back then, there was never a question for me how much you loved and wanted A, and how much of your decision was to spare him a life dominated by pain and confusion.
Please be gentle with yourself, as much as you can...
I wish that I had something insightful to say. I think unless you've experienced this you can't comment so I won't. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you x x x
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