It's hard to be happy. I struggle with allowing myself to feel happy. I mean, how can you be happy when some of your children are dead? Really? It's just always there.
Last night I slept for 8 hours in a row for the first time in at least 8 months. Today I spent the morning with Beanie and Coccinelle. It was a beautiful crisp autumn morning. Coccinelle had a nice nap. When she woke up we went to watch an excavator move huge piles of earth into a dump truck from a house build site near us - something which made Beanie very happy! I took him to daycare - he starts in the late morning on Wednesdays. He likes listening to music in the car. I sang along to the song during the short drive. Coccinelle was busy making baby noises in her carseat.
I felt a moment of spontaneous happiness, one which came naturally and which wasn't weighed down by grief. It can be done. It just takes a very long time.
6 years ago