Coccinelle

So here we are at 24 weeks. What WTF used to call the "cusp of viability". Where if she were to die now, I would be entitled to my full four month paid maternity leave. Where there are movements to be felt, and to be stressed about when not felt. Where people who don't know about V and A are making congratulatory comments and I generally cannot let it go by (the fluffy bunny stuff) without making a statement about how my first baby died at full term. Where random people ask me my due date and I cannot just say "mid-May" but I have to say "mid-May but I will probably be induced by the end of April".

But still. 24 weeks. One miracle at a time. They're all needed.

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Back in the eighties I loved a-ha and had magazine pictures of Mor.ten Hark.et pasted in my bedroom (and Ro.b Low.e) to fuel my teenage fantasies. So a couple of months ago I splashed out and bought their new CD in a fit of nostalgia. Since V died my relationship with music has been very iffy, unless it's for me to cry to - usually whilst driving which isn't ideal. I have slowly had to find new music with no old associations.

On the CD is a song called Nothing is Keeping You Here. And really, what is keeping me here? Well, Beanie of course and (- aside I haven't thought of a good blog name for baby #4, so let's call her Coccinelle which was one of the choices -) Coccinelle to a certain extent. I mean if something were to happen to Beanie, which is a euphemism for if Beanie were to die, then I can't guarantee that Coccinelle would be able to keep me here at this stage. Maybe.

And that's sort of it. In a post-Beanie-sans-Beanie future, I don't think my marriage would be strong enough to keep me here, nor any of my other relationships. The pull of the other side would be too strong. I would allow grief to swallow me up whole I think. Have I always lived for others or only since V died?

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I am slowly starting to feel at home in this new house. I cried at my last OB appointment, but I think it was due to me feeling utterly unsupported by DH for this pregnancy (as he was so absorbed by the house) and being overtired. This is slowly changing - DH now helps on a few mornings to get Beanie up and ready for crèche and is generally getting back in time to give him his bath, which is great. I am working on a new, fairly low pressure project at work which means that I can work in the office closer to me or at home once or twice a week and the roadworks which plagued my work journey last year have now ended. The crèche is now 4 mins drive away from home. So it's working out slowly.

I'm haven't steeled myself to buying anything new for Coccinelle yet but I did order some (lilac) wool to knit her a little jacket. The main thing we will have to buy is a bed or cot or bassinette or something for her to sleep in. Everything else is already available since V. times but Beanie is still in that cot. I have no idea which room we will put her in but I don't have to think about that yet since she will be in our room for at least 6 months, assuming she makes it. I will probably end up eating my words but I don't really care about the pink stuff - I'm quite happy for her to wear Beanie's mostly blue stuff!

A recent Beanie picture

I finally located the cable needed to upload pictures from the camera - there are still a lot of boxes to be unpacked around here. This is a picture of Beanie in the UK over Christmas. It was cold!

[photo removed]

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to anyone who might still be reading here. Since I last posted, several things happened:

We moved house on 12th December - pretty hectic and stressful but we managed it, and getting our flat cleaned up and ready to give the keys back by 15th December.

A week after moving, we spent two weeks in the UK, with my mum, my brother and SIL, my niece and nephew. It's the longest time I ever spent with my nephew who turned three two days before Christmas. It was okay and I didn't find that I was constantly comparing him to what should have been with V. (I did do that a few times throughout the two weeks though). Beanie had a great time playing with his cousins. My mum took at least a week to understand that the same standards of cleanliness and tidiness just can't be maintained when eight people are in the house as when there is one, but overall she enjoyed our visit.

I turned 37 on 3rd January (sniff). It was actually a pretty crappy day.

We had our 20 week check up today (actually 21 weeks) and all was okay. I can feel movements now although clearly from the ultrasound pics I know I can't feel all of them. I will start my kick counts in a few weeks.

We found out today that it's a girl!