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I was so drained on V's birthday that I didn't get online at all. I was especially drained as I went to the funeral of a colleague's wife in the afternoon. She was 39 and died of cancer. I didn't know her at all but I was pretty shocked to hear the news. She leaves behind her 7 year old son and her husband. The funeral was unbelievably heart-wrenching.

In fact her husband was the coworker in underground carpark who said this. And do you know what? When I went to say goodbye to him before leaving, he said, "you know I have always remembered that I totally put my foot in it after your baby died, and I've always regretted it, that I never said anything afterwards." He said this to me, completely out of the blue, on the day of his wife's funeral.

I don't know him very well and I learned through losing V that it's important to be present and to express your condolences. But I was amazed that he remembered this episode and spoke about it on the day of his wife's funeral.

Since he brought it up, I told him that he shouldn't worry about it and that incidentally V would have been three on that day. I told him if there was anything I could ever do for him and his son, even if it was just bringing a meal over one evening (I don't live far from him), he should not hesitate.

I came home, got changed, saw Beanie, then went out again to buy a white rose and left it at V's lake. My SIL and brother sent flowers, my mum sent a card and my FIL and MIL sent an email.

I also remembered Ferdinand, who would have been 2 the same day.

Thanks to you for remembering too.

Harder this year

I am finding this third year hard. Harder than last year when I had a very young Beanie and probably some sleep deprivation to distract me.

It's 9pm here - most certainly V was already dead at this time three years ago, and I just hadn't even realised it. I don't know if he died in the morning or the afternoon. I wasn't paying enough attention.

Losing V is the biggest failure of my life. I have never gotten past that fact.

I told my manager, who was not my manager when V was born, that tomorrow was his birthday. I shed a few tears as I said he would have been three.

"The wound is still raw, isn't it?" he said.

Yes. Not always, but today it really is.

Due date

24th July was V's due date. I spent my pregnancy focused on this date. It came and went. The last picture of the old me was taken today three years ago - I just look so happy in it.

The last time I "saw" and "heard" him alive was three years ago tomorrow - through the ultrasound screen and heartbeat monitoring where he was absolutely fine.

I don't think anyone else remembers this date, even DH has not mentioned it. Even I didn't remember it first thing.

I wish my three year-old was here, that he had been born alive on his due date instead stillborn five days later. He could quite easily be playing with Beanie now and talking up a bilingual storm.

I just read a news story about Roge.r Fe.der.er's wife having healthy twin girls yesterday. And my first thought was not a morose one but a brief genuine internal smile of "great news!" It's a measure of how far I have come in three years that I could have that as a first thought. (In fact it's not in three years. It's only since Beanie has graced my life).

Blogger meetup!

So now that kate has said I'm going to blog about our meeting, I have to do it!

It will be short as I'm actually off sick from work. Yesterday, during a day where outside temperatures were 30 deg C, I was feeling a little cold and mildly shivery, with oncoming headache, sore muscles and very fatigued.

Oh no, I thought, and took off in the afternoon to go home. I was so tired that during the 40 min drive home I had to stop at a service station and sleep for 15 minutes in my car, as I thought it was becoming dangerous to drive when I had to concentrate so much on keeping my eyes open.

At home I snuck into my room so Beanie wouldn't see me and claim hugs and kisses with a dose of germs. I had a mild fever (37.8 - which Beanie has almost every week) and today am still feeling quite tired but slightly better nonetheless.

So who knows. Beanie is also running a mild fever today and we're keeping a close eye on him.

Coming back to the first point, I met kate who was in Europe for a conference. She made a special trip out of her way to come to visit us here. She has been so supportive over the last years, it was absolutely fantastic to meet her in person!

Here she is with Beanie:

[photo removed]

I met her off the train from Paris and we went out to dinner by the lake - a rare treat for me and probably even rarer for her. We chatted about all sorts - Nicolas, V., M&T, C, A, Beanie and our parents and husbands. For me it was like we had known each other for years, which in essence we have!

She showed me a cute work in progress BSJ for Beanie and I took the opportunity to get some expert knitting consultancy on a VERY simple sweater I am making for Beanie.

The next day we went to a market and had lunch from the things we bought there. Then all too soon we had to drive to the airport where there was a massive queue. Thankfully she caught her flight and made it safely to London.

So whenever we make it a large city in the US where my brother and his family live and which is not so far from the large city in the US where kate lives, we will meet again.

Posts galore

Well, maybe not galore. I have at least two posts I want to write, which is two more than most of the time. One is about my IRL blogger meetup - but I want to ask the person if I can post a picture of her and Beanie temporarily here first.

This year around no-one seems to be thinking of V. He is gone gone gone for everyone. Even I get through my busy days, especially at work, being efficient and approachable and smiley.

I was talking, after a long, somewhat deliberate silence on my part, with my pregnant fluffy bunny neighbour. I had told her about V. (they moved here just after Beanie was born). I even showed her a picture of him.

Today she asked me if I had any ideas about recommended prams. I was with Beanie in his pushchair and I explained that the model was okay, pros and cons and just mentioned in passing that it was probably an old model now, since we bought it for our first son.

"Your first son? Does he live in this country?"

She f*ing forgot that I told her about - and showed her a picture of - V! I know it was more than a year ago but she f*ing forgot.

"No, my first son who died."

Then later on she was going on and on about which hospital and all the things she needed to buy and whether she should buy pink or blue clothes and how she was going to wanted to buy them whilst on holiday in Spain as they were cheaper there, but the u/s where she would get to know the sex would be after they got back blah blah blah.

All the while I was on autopilot mouth and inside was thinking, "You do know your baby could still die, right?" (but obviously she doesn't).

Janis sums it up - she had exclamation marks hovering all over her pregnancybabybunny talk. There are none here.

(Did you know Ferdinand and V had the same birthday?)

I am also wondering whether we should try again this month and potentially be pregnant only for me and baby to die of swine flu in the 3rd trimester which would be peak flu season, depriving Beanie of a mother and yet another sibling. Fun fun fun trains of thought.

July x3

Many days have gone by with no post.

Beanie had his 15 month check-up yesterday. I was very tense about it. In our support group, after V. died, there was a woman whose found her 15 month old daughter dead in her cot the morning after her 15 month checkup vaccinations. The autopsy didn't conclude the vaccinations caused her death but that sure as hell was the mother's conclusion. I've been thinking about that little girl, E, a lot recently.

I (cried) explained E's story to the paediatrician. The result was that instead of getting two combined vaccines, one for MMR and one for DTP + HiB plus another one for Men C, Beanie only got the Men C. yesterday. The others were booster shots anyway. He'll have one at his 18 month checkup and the other one at his 24 month checkup.

The run up to V's 3rd birthday is starting to get to me. Hot summer, people around me who are pregnant, al fresco dining, strawberries and chocolate ice cream - all remind me of the happy last days of my pregnancy with V, before I ever knew it was all going wrong at the last minute.

Waiting for AF, by the way. Fairly certain that there won't be any BFPs this time around. We were staying at my mum's place during the critical period, and she sleeps with her door open and our door didn't shut very well. Plus Beanie was getting up early what with it being further north and an hour's time difference.

On another note, I am looking forward to meeting a dear blogger friend from another continent in person this weekend! My first IRL meet up with the blogger. Exciting!