So, it's a week since I went back to work. I'm not working full-time at the moment. I can say that my work has been pretty understanding. I usually work with fairly demanding clients, and I asked that they find something that wasn't client-facing to start with since I didn't know how I was going to react to coming back to work.
I won't say it's nice, but I think it's a necessary step to "re-socialising" myself. I have consumed many packets of tissues since I went back. We have what's called a "hot-desk" policy - basically no-one has their own desk, you just take your laptop, plug into any desk and log on to the phone. In fact I've always worked like that. But it means no protective office walls to cry in.
There are various types of reactions. There are the people who know what happened and go out of their way to come and say hello, some with tears in their eyes. There are the people who know what happened and come up and say "Hiiiiieee [Rosepetal]!!! How are you?", which sounds like I've spent four months at the beach. I generally say "okay, thanks" in a barely audible voice with no smile.
Then there are the people who don't know what happened. It's awful, for me and for them. A sample:
Coworker in lunch queue: Hi [Rosepetal]! I didn't hear what you had, boy or girl?
Me: You didn't hear, my baby died.
Coworker: Sorry?
Me: um, um, he died, I had a boy.
Shocked Coworker: oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
Me, trying to fight back tears and failing miserably: it's okay, you didn't know.
Coworker in underground car park and sing-songy voice: Hi [Rosepetal], you're back at work!
Me, thinking, he doesn't know: Yes, I started this week.
Coworker: How is it, coming back?
Me: Um, okay, it's pretty difficult.
Coworker with big understanding smile: Yes, I remember, it's always difficult the first time you have to leave the little one at home, I remember when my wife -
Me, interrupting: You haven't heard, my son died.
Coworker, still with smile: What?
Me: My son died.
Coworker, smile gone: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know at all, god I'm sorry.
Me: it's okay, you didn't know.
Coworker, after pause: How long ago?
Me: The day before he was born.
Then some other random people get in the lift and the coworker gets out at another floor and doesn't speak to me again.
When I told the head of HR this, she said, oh god, that's terrible, I did wonder whether to send out a general announcement or not. I've also thought about sending one myself. But whilst on the one hand I would prefer people to know in advance, on the other hand I don't want to become a general office gossip subject either.
There are the people who knew and to whom I was quite close, or just clicked with. I generally have lunch, or maybe a coffee with these people in a meeting room, and cry. A LOT. If I feel like it, I show them Moksha's picture, which I carry around in my purse. I'm hoping that this will get easier - it's much harder when you see someone for the first time.
And there are the people who know and say nothing. Pink elephantitis.
Finally, there are two people that have spoken to me who have also lost children. One whose wife had a placental abruption at 40 weeks four years ago. They came to speak to us at home, I think I've mentioned them before. And another whose first son died because he was born too prematurely. Both of these people have gone on to have other children. And I know that they truly get it. That Moksha will never be replaced, that he will always be missing, until the day I die.
Needless to say, I'm not getting a lot of work done due to extremely low productivity, wandering mind syndrome and general lack of motivation.
6 years ago
5 comments:
Productivity - a year and a half back to work and I still am significantly less productive than I was before. But the first month back I spent my time emailing, reading blogs, and in grief support chat rooms. Yes, while I was at work. It was the best I could do. I came in and did the bare minimum and coasted.
Company-wide email - in my case, an announcement of C's funeral was sent out to our whole staff. Many people here do not read their email unless they know what it is. So several people must have deleted the message. And those people put us all in the same situation you are facing. The conversation that no one wants to have. Though in my case, I was doubly shocked that they didn't know, since and email had gone around. Made for a few moments of speechlessness on my behalf when I had to tell them.
Hang in there. It gets more comfortable (not really better, but a pain/discomfort that you are used to). Things are better, in general, at work for me... well, except for the new and different stresses of subsequent pregnancy, but you know that story well enough from my blog, and that's not the point here... :)
(((HUGS))) It's hard. I'm sorry.
Going back to work is hard. When I could not stay home because it was harder on me to be in the house so I went back the very next week. I had to keep my mind busy.
I work in a place where I see people from all over the place some knew and some didn't so when they came in and saw I was no longer pregnant they knew it was to soon to have a living baby so it was really odd. Most pretty much ran from me because they did not know how to react.
It is hard and I hope things get better for you at work.
Those sort of conversations can be sooooo flippin hard. Half the time I think more about NOT upsetting them, then my own feelings. What can you do, the questions bound to come up even months after. Theres always someone who doesn't know!
It's true that people just don't know how to react and thats the worst part of it. You're bound to feel lousy after such a conversation, but eventually you do get used to it, you have to.
:)
I still have a hard time at work.
It is a place we spend so much time and yet have very little control over coming in contact with lots of people.
And i work in a cube, so although everyone can't see me, they can hear me. And i still cry at work relatively often.
I think my boss sent around an 'announcement' about Kate... But Steve and I weren't included in the email and that has always bothered me.
I hope your days get easier at work, but know it can take awhile.
I did the same as delphi -- spent nearly all my time on grief sites at work. I shared an office with someone else, so i didn't cry much, but i didn't interact either. I had a few bad moments when people didn't know, or said very inappropriate things, but eventually even being there was too much so i gave up going there entirely. At the time i was on a grant doing research, so i could claim i was working at home, yeah right. But i was very very lucky i was able to do that. 6 months after Nicolas died, we moved back to the states and i started my current job, where i did alot better, emotionally. Having my own office at the new job helped in that tremedously.
It sounds like you are doing very well, overall...(((((hugs)))))
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