I mentioned in my last post about the double-edged sword of reading blogs about loss. In fact I have been thinking about the blogosphere in general. There are two things which I have been thinking about recently: reading about loss and the point of comments on blogs.
It has helped me a lot to read about people in a similar situation to me. What is a similar situation to me? Is it losing a child? Is it a pregnancy which ended in a loss at anytime? A loss at the very end of the third trimester? An unexplained loss? All of the above?
Writing about my life after the death of my son, reading about other people's losses and being able to interact with those people has helped me (and still helps me) feel less alone. Even though each situation is different and each individual integrates what happened into their lives in different ways, to "be" with people who "get it" is comforting.
For me, the interaction part of the blogosphere, especially the anonymous blogosphere, is around comments. Receiving comments and leaving comments. As was discussed on WTF's blog recently, I think we all like it when we get comments. If I didn't want the interaction, I would keep my blog secret, or not allow anyone to comment at all, or just keep a journal in a Word document or something like that. When you get no comments at all, somehow it makes you feel like what you wrote was not interesting to anyone or, that no-one is reading and you did not further anyone's thoughts. So I think if you have a non-password protected blog which allows comments from the general public, it means you want the comments.
Recently I left a comment on a blog which I don't read very often but have read several times. I believe my comment was not at all well received by the author of the post in question. This is what prompted me to think about the blogosphere and what we want from it and its interactivity.
Some commenters are just downright nasty, mean and vindictive. Let's take my previous post. If someone were to say, "You must be thick, if you can't tell left from your right, and ugly to boot what with the vitiligo. Fancy being scared of going to Latin America, WTF did you do it for then, and don't you know there are people in the world who really have things to be scared of? By the way your writing sucks as well," well then I would call that a pointless and mean comment which serves no purpose other than to hurt. So I'm not talking about those types of comments.
What if someone were to say something which I thought they meant they hadn't understood what I was saying? Or if they just didn't agree with me? Or said something which just upset me? I admit I might feel hurt, depending on what it was. But then what am I looking for in the interaction? Just for people to validate what I wrote? That's certainly always nice. IRL I don't have friends who always agree with me. They mostly agree with me, as I guess we have to have something in common, but to agree all the time and not present any differing viewpoints ever would mean that I was losing out on something.
In the blogosphere dead-baby community, it can be a problem that some posts are so sad, we just don't know what to say. Most people, myself included, are pretty sensitive since the subject being blogged about is such a terrible one, one which the sufferers may have great trouble in accepting. So whilst knowing that the person probably would like to get a comment, do you leave one to say ((Hugs)), or "I'm so sorry", or does that just sound lame? Do you try to offer advice? Do you offer information?*
On the other hand, if you write a post where you put yourself out there emotionally, and someone didn't get it or wrote something that you didn't get, then the emotions can take yet another knock.
However, if you have a blog open to the public, I guess you can't reasonably expect everyone to get everything you say or see everything from your point of view. Maybe all posts should have a sort of desired comment indicator:
o
leave me something so at least I knew you were here (symbol stolen from WTF)
¦o< leave me a comment only if you have something worthwhile to say, I can't take any more banality
:o(
this post is really sensitive for me - what I need is for you to only leave a comment which shows that you get what I said or not leave one at all
:o¦
only leave me a comment if you have been through first-hand something I am blogging about in this post
:o)
leave me any type of comment even if you disagree with what I said (obviously not the vindictive type I mentioned above)
Can you think of any others?
Sometimes people put themselves out there in the comment too. It's emotional for them to leave the comment, they write and delete it several times, they want to say something but don't want the blogger to be hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I should just blog on my own blog about the topic of a post and not leave a comment. But then I think, I would have wanted the comment. What's the blogetiquette?
The other part of the double-edged sword of blogging is too much information. Since not everyone lost a baby in the same way, do you want to know about all the other ways in which you might lose one? or the other pregnancy-related problems you might have? It's a balance between no longer being the innocent pregnant and becoming paralysed by fear. In my own example: My seemingly perfectly healthy baby died in utero at the very end of my perfect pregnancy in a silent moment of no drama. There appeared to be nothing wrong with me. My physical post-partum recovery has shown no problems. That was my first pregnancy and I got pregnant in the first and only cycle I ever tried.
About to embark on a TTC cycle for the second time in my life I am now keenly aware of the possibilities of: not getting pregnant immediately, being too old, secondary infertility, miscarriage, chromosomal abnormalities, severe physical malformations, cord accident, infection, loss during labour, premature birth, placental abruption, uterine abruption and I could go on. They are all unknowns to me, I have not been through them.... yet. I think about all of the things which could go wrong at any point in the journey of delivering a living baby. In addition to mourning my dear son, I am mourning the loss of the possibility of having a happy, positive pregnancy ever again.
The one thing I do not want to hear is how everything will be all right next time.
The unexplained way in which Moksha died might be unknown to you. Even if you have been through the loss of a baby in a different way, does it scare you to hear about it? If you are battling infertility, do you want to know that you can lose a baby at the last moment? If you had a late-pregnancy loss but no miscarriage, do you want to know that miscarriage can happen to you next time? To be clear, these are questions, not assumptions.
Maybe the solution is to also read blogs about happy pregnancies with happy outcomes. Those do happen too.
*My personal view is that ((Hugs)) and sorries are always welcome! On the topic of the death of a baby, there often isn't anything to say. The only thing you can do is listen (read) and be there (hugs).
5 comments:
If we are discussing the same blog (and i think we are), i don't think it was your comment particularly that irked her. But in general it is an occupational hazard of online life (blogging, support groups, chat etc etc) that things are sometimes misunderstood....it is hard to always see the comment in the light it was intended. So i always try to take every comment with that in mind, and if i feel hurt by something said, i ask myself what the intent was. I do think that's the best we can do, really.
When i first lost Nicolas, it took me awhile but i found several online support groups/ bulletin boards and was very active. In fact that's probably all i did for awhile, sat around & drank & talked on the computer. My dh thought it was very bad for me, but it was what i needed to do. Different people deal in different ways -- not everybody looks for support in other bereaved parents...but many of us do and it is an extremely accepting community, overall.
WRT sub pg -- yeah, now we know many many ways babies die. Myself, i would rather know though, then not know. Knowing may not change anything, but then again, sometimes it might.
if its the same person i think you and kate are talking about then yes i agree with kate, it wasn't personal and I think this particular person isn't in the right frame of mind to be rational and her posts show that, its all part of the mourning process, as you know, so don't take it to heart. In fact, i would say that in general, try NOT to take the blogging thing too personally, e.g if one day you get no comments, or if when you leave a comment you feel misunderstood. I agree with you that most of us are here to interact and yes comments are nice, but it should all be taken with a pinch of salt or it gets to you too much, u know? Thats the problem when people in blogland, they don't actually know you, if they'd meet you in real life they'd probably adore you but they've never met you; to them you're just a stranger in a surreal world!
I think thats why i 'chose' only a few women I thought I had some affinity with and stuck to that. They're the ones who keep in contact and you and you end up forming a sort of group in which you can actually keep up with each other (u being one of these women, obviously :).
So if no one leaves a message, its not because your posts are not interesting!
And I get what your saying about not knowing or knowing all the sad ways there are to lose a baby or suffer infertility etc, but again, I agree with Kate, i would rather know because then I'm prepared for it, because I quite obviously wasn't prepared for losing Gabrielle in such a way. i didn't think it could happen so late in a preg. However, it does sometimes get me down to read that someone has lost a baby, or miscarried, however far along they were in their preg. and I do sometimes feel bad that I'm blogging about losing Gabrielle when I already have a daughter and say, you and Kate do not and sometimes I want to comment but I don't think I have a right because I can just hear you say, "oh its alright for her", etc. You understand? I'm know for a fact a lot of people in my position, feel that way and they're the ones who don't comment, they lurk instead because we are interested in what's being written, but don't feel the right to comment.
In the same way, I don't often comment on pregnancy blogs because if I do and they come and visit my blog, I don't want to scare them with my experiences, so I lurk but I don't leave a comment for fear of upsetting them.
So I suppose, if these group of bloggers made it clear, somehow, that they welcome comments from, say, women who have suffered a loss, or infertile bloggers, etc, then at least we'd know where we stand.
Anyways, as i said, I think this blog thing should be taken lightly, you have enough to feel anxious about without upsetting yourself with this blogging lark and whether or not you upset someone you never even met.
anyway, glad its not my blog that inspired this post, really, really glad :)
wow. what a thoughtful post that obviously took a lot of energy. you said so many things that i have been thinking about re: blogland , especially deadbabyblogland. i am glad you wrote about the comments. i considered posting about my comments post but i just couldn't gather my thoughts. it's a weird forum that we are involved in here where such personal things are shared. i often wonder what it is that i want from people who read. i can tell form my sitemeter how many people visit my blog and soemtimes it amazes me how 90 people might visit and two leave a comment. i kind of feel like, "well if you're going toread then why not engage?" But there is the bigger problem of what to say. More often than not, I don't know what to say when i read blogs so i understand if people don't know what the hell to say to me. And i dont want to just say the same old thing. i hesitate to offer advice or a personal experience but i like hearing about other people's experinces especially ina comment. i guess that is called hijacking a blog but i dont mind it because i am here to share my experience and to sharethe experiences of others particularly as we move forward. i like when people offer different points-of-view because it expands my viewpoint which is very often soemthing that i really need. I REALLY appreciated the comments about ESP because helped me. One that helpedme the most was from soembody who didnt agree with me. As long as you are nice about it, i welcome different points-of-view.
Regarding being afraid of things that can go wrong that you didnt know about before, i think abotu that alot. i have heard so many horror stories. i guess the only good thing there is that people have shared with me and i have shared with them and WE TALKED ABOUT IT. One of the worst parts about losing three babies is the silence. I think the main reason i stated a blog is to say "jesus f*cking christ, this shit really happened to me and hardly anybody knows and hardly anybody wants to know and i have to carry all of thsi around silently and say fine when people ask how i am when this is what i really want to say." i needed to be heard and preferably by empathic people who can relate. i need the support especially now that i am doing this again. the kind of support i need the most can only come from people who understand and who won't say they're sure evrything will be fine this time. because it wasn't fine when i tried again after losing LC. it was not fine at all.
i hate that innocent people will read my blog and be terrified. the only other way is to not talk about it because it's just too scary and ugly. i probably shouldn't comment on the blogs of innocent people lest they read my horror stories. i know that it's hard to turn away once you're reading somebosy's story. i am afraid that i will be terrifed until i give birth because now i know what can happen at term. i might be but i wouldn't change the fact that i've read moksha's story and the stories of others who lost their babies at term. you and some of the others are SO understanding and so sensitive that i read your blogs the most. you've been to hell and you are clawing your way back and you've had to deal with people along the way and you UNDERSTAND.
i think also that regarding being afraid of things we didn't know about before: i think that the other ways of losing a baby are concepts that we can understand and be fearful of but that the things that we will REALLY fear in the pits of our stomachs are the ones that we've experienced. i will think about cord accidents but in a conceptual way and not a visceral, haunting, terrifying, flashback-laden, gnawing way. does that make sense?
what do we want out of this? is that what you are asking? i wanted to be able to talk about it and say the things that i haven't been able to say and to have people hear them. I guess that's where the comments come in. If people don't comment then how do you know that you've been heard? i also want the support as i face the demons again. i am rambling here. i also like the notion of asking for what you want from your readers. it is a tough thing in life to ask for what you want and the risk here are relatively minimal so it's a good place to learn. i think it's okay to say what you need. it's good that it nudges people into engaging. after all, these are our lives here. this isn't entertainment for anybody, hopefully.
i hope that i am making sense. i really enjoy reading your blog and i appreciate your comments. i will be with you every step of the way as you try again. for what it's worth.
if this comment gets lost i am going to freak.
Thanks ladies, for your very long and thoughtful comments.
Kate - I have also spent inordinate amounts of time reading blogs several times a day and reading discussion forums. I had a lot of time to do it since I was on maternity leave with no baby. And my husband and mother both thought it was unhealthy. But it was what I needed to do. Now I post less on my blog. Maybe it's a sign that the very raw emotions are transforming slightly, and / or that they are not as frequent as before.
Artblog - you're right, I do have a general tendency to take things personally IRL. I show a thick skin but in reality it's a bit of an illusion.
WTF - I appreciate you being there! And you're right, I do sometimes think - I'll say what happened to me in the blogosphere even if you don't want to hear it. I guess the comment I left was not what the person in question wanted or even needed to hear, but it still happened to me IRL regardless. I treated her as a non-innocent but the timing wasn't appropriate.
My thoughts aren’t cohesive enough to post such a long comment… but I did want to say that I agree with what you wrote about blogworld. And, right now, I feel like I cling to other people’s stories of loss, even though it may make me more ‘worried’ when I am pregnant. There is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone and in knowing that your pain is not abnormal.
hugs
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