Silent symbols

You know that wedding I went to a few days back, the one where it was the first time I left Beanie for more than an hour or two with my inlaws?

It was also only the second time I've worn make-up since V died. The other time was also at a wedding, in October last year. At both of these weddings I felt it would be actively rude not to look like I had made a little effort. The one in October was of the daughter of our neighbour in the UK, who was pretty much my Dad's best friend and who has been and continues to be a huge help to my mother. The one a few days ago was of a person who has been a really good friend to me, before but especially since V's death.

Not wearing make-up has sort of become a private symbol of my silent ongoing mourning. It's not a huge deal since I didn't exactly wear a lot of make-up before, but it is deliberate. Maybe no-one else even notices. I met DH whilst backpacking for a year, which didn't really involve much make-up but did involve lots of bleary-eyed, dusty haired, early mornings and some longish periods without taking a shower. So he certainly doesn't care about a lack of make-up, and if he doesn't care I don't see why anyone else should.

It started because for months after V died, I could not doing contemplate anything which was not purely functional and make-up seemed so inappropriately frivolous. At first it seemed like betrayal and then it just seemed pointless. And a plain face matched my stripped down life.

I also haven't worn jewellry apart from my wedding and engagement rings and a plain gold band I got for V with his name and date of birth engraved inside. I also wear a pendant chain which is a tradition in my father's family, with a Hindu deity on it. (I actually stopped wearing that after V died as it was supposed to protect me but it didn't protect V. I started again after Dad died). I haven't worn any other jewellry, i.e jewellry that is just there to look pretty without symbolism, since V died. Not at the weddings either. The holes in my ears have probably closed up now since it's at least two years since I wore earrings.

I have had two pedicures though. One I didn't really want, but my brother gave it to me as a birthday present when I was pregnant with Beanie and I mostly got it so as to not hurt his feelings. The other was ahead of the wedding a few days ago and I chose to get it. But I really thought about getting it before I did.

As I said, it's not that difficult to keep up. I said to myself that after V's second birthday I would maybe check out the holes in my ears. But for some reason I don't feel like it. I don't know how long this silent deliberate sign of mourning will go on for. Maybe forever. Why not?

At least my face can smile spontaneously and genuinely now - I can smile spontaneously and genuinely now. That's probably the only adornment necessary.