Numb

I'm feeling emotionally numb. I haven't been blogging all that much as I didn't think anyone would want to read about numbness, but then this blog is also a chronicle for me, so I decided to write something anyway.

I've been taking the thyroxin for a week now. Basically my TSH when it was tested in January was 1.5 (normal is 1.5-3 I think) and last week when the OB tested it it was more than 15. My mother sent me an article on hypothyroidism and pregnancy. When she read it, it sounded reassuring to her. When I read it I just saw blah blah blah risks slightly higher blah blah blah. My mother wasn't reading it with dead-baby-mother eyes.

My OB told me to see someone to get a panel of other auto-immune tests done. I tried my general doctor (GP), and he decided that since I am pregnant he prefers me to see an endocrinologist. (If I was not pregnant he said he would have been okay following me). I'm seeing one tomorrow evening. I hope my GP explained my history to this endocrinologist so that I don't have to explain it all over again.

I really have never seen so many doctors or had so many health issues in my life before. I should consider myself lucky I suppose.

As I was driving to my GP appointment, I knew he would say, so you're pregnant! I was thinking about what my response would in the car. The actual conversation went like this:

GP: So you're pregnant! (he had a letter from my OB)
Me: I knew you were going to say that and I was thinking what my response would be.
GP: And?
Me: All I can say is that I was pregnant last week. I had an ultrasound last week but now I know that all that means is that I was pregnant at that moment in time. The next ultrasound may show a dead foetus.
GP: How do you feel about the pregnancy?
Me: I feel numb, I don't feel anything, I'm worried that I won't bond with the baby.
GP: And what are you going to do about it?
Me: I suppose I will ask my OB to refer me to a psychiatrist.

Can you imagine having this type of conversation before having your child die?

The good news is that my D-Dimers were normal and my feet haven't been swollen again.

Something I have to ask the endocrinologist about is that I seem to be losing weight. After Moksha was born, I lost his weight (3.1 kgs) and the weight of the placenta, fluid and stuff and then I just got totally stuck at 10kgs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight. Now it seems to be slowly reducing (even though I am supposedly pregnant). Not being able to lose weight is one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. I just wonder if the thyroxin could be having that effect already or if it's something else.

More news tomorrow after the endocrinologist visit. Seriously, I need an abbreviation for that word.