I've been thinking about writing this post for a while and didn't want to for fear of looking like a fool - why am I even hoping when it's the first cycle I'm trying (the second cycle trying in my whole life). But I've decided to write it anyway in an attempt to anchor the swirling thoughts, pin them to the ground.
I have been trying to studiously ignore any thoughts about being pregnant, trying to force myself to think that I will not be and it wouldn't be unusual at all and nothing to worry about. But I sort of let myself go just now and typed in the date of my LMP into a due date calculator to see when the term would be. My OB already said that, as long as the baby had good growth, I could be induced from 37 weeks next time. So I had to check when that would be.... yes, v. close to Moksha's birthday on 29th July, but after it.
Then I have to slap myself (okay - figuratively) and give myself a good mental talking-to. You idiot! Assuming you're pregnant, assuming no miscarriage, assuming no mid-term loss, assuming no infection etc. etc. etc.
I will of course be disappointed if I'm not. One of the reasons is that I had a cervical smear test earlier this month, and the OB said, upon feeling my cervix, you're about to ovulate, I think in the next one or two days. So now I do think, we're pretty useless if we missed it when a qualified professional actually told me when I was going to ovulate. And I think we might have missed it. Another reason is that I got pregnant the first time last time at a time when I thought it was too late to get pregnant (cycle must have been delayed due to travelling).
I am not feeling sick (but didn't with Moksha) or particularly tired (but can't remember when I got 1st trimester tiredness with Moksha) or especially hungry (but am associating hunger pangs with late pregnancy) [or.... ( but....)] to the power of n where n is a large number.
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I am starting to mentally prepare myself for the birth of my nephew, due in just over two and half weeks. I know that he and Moksha are two different people. I know that he is my nephew and deserves just as much excitement and love as any other baby born to our family. And I know it's going to be hard, on me, DH and my mother especially. My mother is already afraid of her own reaction to the birth of her next grandson.I told my SIL about kick-count charts, since I would rather worry her a bit than risk losing another baby (and I think she's thinking about it anyway without me telling her).
This week I have been thinking more and more that Moksha did slow down over the space of 24 hours. I was so wrapped up in the pending induction, so reassured by the perfect ultrasound and NST two days before, that I just was not paying enough attention. I just was not entertaining the possibility that something could go so drastically wrong at that late stage. And so I now think I rendered myself oblivious to the signs. And I think keeping a kick count chart would have had a good chance of preventing Moksha's death.
My own theory, not confirmed by any doctor or autopsy result, is now this: a few days after my last check-up, a small blood clot or clots got stuck in the umbilical cord and slowed Moksha down. I didn't notice and he eventually died. Which I didn't notice immediately either. Maybe I am escaped by the skin of my teeth in not having a clot and dying myself. I suppose that I will never know. At my last appointment I told my OB that I would have given my life so that Moksha could have his, but I didn't get to make the choice. She said, "no, that choice was not given to you, and a little baby without a mother is very sad too."
"La culpabilité est une spécialité féminine." I heard that the other day on the local radio. Guilt is a female speciality. I suppose it's true.
6 years ago
5 comments:
I'm still here rosepetal, just haven't been posting. I really do hope you are pregnant (and if your not that you will conceive within the first few months). Having a healthy and live baby after the death of my Thomas has helped me to heal in so many ways. But of course, the guilt still remains. I know for me anyway it 's a burden that will be with me until I die.
I hope all goes well for your SIL. I think you might be surprised by the raw emotions and feelings that may surface when her baby is born. But that is what we will be here for - to support you through that. Thinking of you and sending ((hugs))
I have known a very limited number of baby-sized people since C. died. And I have discovered that the only thing that has made me comfortable around them is getting to know them personally. I struggle the most being around anonymous little babies, like the ones you see out shopping. When I know the child, I can see him/her as a person unto themself, and don't have bad baby associations. Perhaps you will discover the same with your nephew.
I hope you are pregnant.
And I know that guilt, too. And carry it, pulling it out to examine every once in a while, then putting it away where it belongs (for the most part). It is as much a part of me as my eye colour.
Love to you.
I can't form a post that will really express how I feel right now, but I will just say that I really know how you feel. About getting pregnant again and about waiting for the birth of a relative's baby. They are both very very hard.......I am thinking about you.
I am hoping for you...though it will be difficult timing to be so close to Moshka's birthday. But it is all hard, anyway.
I will be thinking of you as you greet your nephew...and i hope that it is gentle on your heart.
Yeah, i also feel that maybe Nicolas slowed down, and if i was doing kick counts i might have noticed, and that was the best hope of keeping him alive and i totally failed at it. The fact that noone told me to do kick counts does not make me feel any better. Guilt is just part of this process though...and also maybe it would not have made a difference. I have a friend who was doing counts but her son died suddenly, anyway.
Yes, you are right, we do have to remember that we cannot know how we *might* have changed the future by taking a different action. I also think that when I read on discussion forums that someone's baby died and they believe that if they had been given another ultrasound, another NST that it would have changed something. And I want to say - I had all of that and my baby still died unexpectedly.
So I need to extend the logic - no I don't know for certain that kick-counts would have made a difference. (But I will most certainly be doing them next time). Which is essentially what my OB said, she said it could have happened very suddenly and there was nothing to do and over here they only tell at-risk mothers to do kick counts and since there was nothing to indicate at the time that I was at-risk....
Delphi - I am hoping also that I will see my nephew as a whole person and not "just" another baby. But to achieve that will be made harder by the fact that my B and SIL live on another continent and I'm not going to see them anytime soon. On the other hand that also means that I don't "have" to spend Christmas, DH's birthday and my birthday, which are all coming up v. soon, with my new nephew either.
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