Another TWW

I promise, a real post will be coming soon.... I haven't been terribly inspired lately.

So, we're in the TWW now. I've been using Fertil.ity.Fri.end and I think it's pretty good. I don't have my hopes up so high as I think my temperature taking methods have been off, my temps are rocky and I didn't take them at exactly the same time every day. Therefore, although my chart looks good in terms of intercourse pattern, it is possible that one temp being wrong could mean we missed the boat again. (I know, I tried messing around with the data points to see the effect on the chart).

But on the other hand, I'm pretty sure that I am ovulating now, so that is good. I got some email advice from Delphi and Kate on temping and will try harder next month. Thanks ladies.

I was struck with the realisation that Moksha won't have a 7 month birthday, as that would be on Feb 29th which isn't coming this year. I've decided to do something every month for the first year for his birthday. It might just be lighting a candle somewhere, leaving flowers at his lake, releasing a balloon.

The new role at work means I'm absorbing a lot of new stuff right now and having pretty full days with meetings and documents to read. I've been quite tired and haven't really had enough time to think about Moksha as much as I would like. His room is still the same as it was 6 1/2 months ago. I just cannot bring myself to even contemplate packing it up, like he was never here. For a few weeks after the birth, I found it very hard to go into his room at all. Now I do go into it, but I don't really do much in there. His cot is still waiting for him. Forever waiting. The curtains made by my mother with jungle animals, the furniture assembled by DH and my dad, the lampshade shaped like a hot air balloon. All his clothes still in his wardrobe. We really had everything ready for you, Moksha.

I have been having a few flashbacks to his birth as well. For example, last night I was thinking about how we were waiting for the OB to come into the hospital. Our last chance for someone to say everything was okay, not to worry, we'll start induction now. The midwife had already inserted an IV line but couldn't find a vein in my left arm and so put it in my right arm. My mother had looked at my left arm and said in English, "there's a perfectly good vein there" which I supposed must have peeved the midwife, even though she already knew that Moksha was dead. She asked me in French if my mother was a nurse and I said, "no she's an anaesthetist." "Oh," said the midwife, "anaesthetists are the best at inserting IV lines."

My OB arrived and shook our hands. The midwives must have told her that it didn't look good and she must have seen the total fear in my eyes when she came in. The midwife blurted out in French "The mother's an anaesthetist" as some sort of warning that another doctor was in the room. The OB switched on the ultrasound machine and looked at it for less than 30 seconds. Actually, maybe it was about 10 seconds. I remember very well the fact that she switched the machine off, took my hand and looked me right in the eyes. But I don't remember her exact words for some reason. She was speaking in French, which my mother doesn't speak, but there was no need for a translation.

If you're a new reader, you can read more about that night here.