Now I am angry. I'm angry with DH.
Last night DH told me he was planning to go out to dinner with some people from this course he has been doing at work. Fine I said. I watched a DVD on my own and then at about 11pm I went to bed.
At 2:45am I woke up and instinctively put my arm out. No DH. What kind of dinner goes on until 3am? I got up, got out my mobile phone to check at least for a text message. DH knows I worry. There was no text message. I called him. No answer. I sent him a text message. No answer.
I lay awake with the following train of thoughts. He could have been stabbed in the street or have had a car accident. I imagined typing the words: DH died in a car accident last night here on this blog. I thought about how if he was dead I would have to go through the amnio just to make sure and wait for the results before killing myself so I could join my two children and my husband. I thought again about ways in which I could kill myself with minimum distress to my parents and brother. I imagined hanging in the forest where Moksha's ashes are but rejected that as desecration to a special place. I don't have access to any firearms. The best option would be some sort of overdose. I thought about how I would have to act normally as surely my family would be watching out for this after DH's death and bad amnio results.
He came home at 3:30am. He asked me why the light was on. I asked him why he hadn't sent a text message just to say he was okay. He said sorry. There was no shouting. I was and am too tired.
I lay awake again thinking that I need to see a genetic counsellor. I thought about how I have to tell our OB that if amnio results are available on 14th May, I don't want them as that's my second wedding anniversary. I don't want to find out that it's over for my second child on my second wedding anniversary. In the dark hours I finally felt the full force of the crushing stress.
This morning he called the garage to try and book an oil change and service for our car. They're not free for another 2 or 3 weeks. I could hear DH thinking about the day. Finally I had to say you don't know if I will be having a termination around those dates. We can't stop eating, he said. WTF? What has that got to do with a fucking car service? Does he think I'm going in for a fucking dental appointment? If we could just avoid scheduling mundane appointments around the time we're going to kill our second child, is that too much to ask?
He is not mentally prepared and has not absorbed the meaning of termination or of trisomy 21. The decision is really going to be mine even if he said he will co-sign any termination documentation with me. But if he makes a decision without understanding any basic facts then it's not really a decision.
He can be angry but I have to tiptoe around for fear that he will lose it. I have to defend myself over not delaying the termination any further so that he can go to fucking Morocco. What sort of twisted perspective is this?
Maybe he will wake up one day and I will have lost it.
Updated to add: that last sentence sounded like a threat. It isn't at all, and I'm not referring to killing myself in that last sentence, only that I might lose my tenuous grip. I would never use suicide as a threat to anyone. I'm just trying to do some honest blogging.
6 years ago
16 comments:
I'm going to try to moderate what I say, because I'm sure that this is all the result of the stress you're both under and, of course, people process things differently and the two of you just need to get past this heartwrenchingly difficult time, but WTF is he thinking?
It's terrible to think of you lying there alone, with those horrifying thoughts running through your mind. I'm sure you don't need me to say that, if you have serious thoughts of hurting yourself, you should talk to someone as soon as possible.
Not only your family and friends, but all of us out here in the blogosphere would be devastated if anything happened to you. Please keep posting, so that we know you're okay (or at least as okay as you could be under the circumstances).
Good job I am seeing a psychiatrist this afternoon, eh?
I have had those thoughts before and I have calmly come to the conclusion that if DH died and I had no surviving children, I wouldn't want to carry on. Really, what would be the point? I believe that the soul carries on somehow and I would want to go on to the next world.
But don't worry, he didn't die last night, he lived to piss me off this morning.
"But don't worry, he didn't die last night, he lived to piss me off this morning. "
Rosepetal, I'm sorry but that comment of yours above cracked me up.
I'd have strung him up if he were mine. Bloody men! But overall, Niobe wrote exactly what I want to say to you.
Please keep writing and if you lose your tenuous grip we'll see it and catch you. At least we'll try because that's what we're here for. Get some rest now - that's an order:)
Yeah, that DH comment was pretty funny. They certainly do have a knack for being jerks at the worst possible times.
Seriously, though, part of his actions are probably his way of coping, even if they suck. Matt is the same damn way when he is under stress or upset. He turns into a royal asshole.
Please don't get mad when I mention (just real quick and quiet) that you haven't had that amnio yet. It's not over till it's over. So maybe scheduling the termination in your calendar could wait? At least until you know for sure. It's the optimistic side of me that can't help itself.
(((hugs))) thinking about you.
Rosepetal, I'm really sad that things are so shitty for you right now. I understand your train of thought at 3am because I would have jumped to the same conclusions if under similar stress. I think that normal but I do agree with everybody that it would be good for you to have someone in RL to talk to about feeling this way. Everything sucks bigtime but I want you to find a way to survive this new turn of events. It does sound to me like your DH doesn't have his own coping strategy worked out yet or he would not be adding to your worries. I love that Kathy has reminded us that it's 'not over until it's over' and she is absolutely right. But the wait will be gruelling and you'll need DH to be onboard so you know his decisions were clearly thought through. Can you arrange a couple therapy session specifically for discussing all the termination/trisomy issues asap? I do think it should help both of you. and now, please know, you are completely in my thoughts and I haven't given up all hope yet that maybe this will be all be ok. ((hugs)) Clare
Are you sure we're not married to the same man! What the hell is wrong with them all!
But thats what I meant by counseling together, its more for the husband since I discovered they are incapable of handling things like we women are. He's obviously scared shit and in denial.
All your feelings are justified and I'd feel exactly the same. I too am mortified by the thought of you suffering alone. Is there anything I can do?
Niobe & Three Minute Palaver expressed perfectly my thoughts already.
I would, and have, laid there with similar fears if/when my husband has been late. But it breaks my heart to think you had to do it last night, and to combine it with the horror you're already experiencing. I hope he will come to realize how beyond unfair he behaved last night and this morning.
I'm sorry, Rosepetal. I'm thinking of you constantly.
The worst of it all, from where I sit, is the feeling that you are alone in this. Like you have to make all the decisions and face all the heartache alone.
I think this "acting out" might have something to do with what you mentioned earlier - the fact that your husband is an eternal optimist. When we received uncertain news in our pregnancy with BB, my husband reacted with fear, anger, and shock. He was unprepared for any bumps in the road. He had chosen complete optimism and was totally blindsided. It took several weeks for him to get his feet under him.
It sounds like your husband is coping by escaping. I don't have any bright ideas on how to deal with that. But I hope that he can get back to reality soon and not leave you feeling so alone.
I don't know if it helps you feel less alone, but we are certainly here for you, unconditionally.
{{{Hugs}}}
In the day of cell phones, did he not think to call? Did he not think to check to see if he missed a call?
I had a similar conversation with my dh a few weeks back when I was waiting for him to come. Long story, won't post it all here.
I will admit to chuckling at your "But don't worry, he didn't die last night, he lived to piss me off this morning" comment.
I hope your visit with the psych was helpful. I've been to my cousnelor twice now and we have only gotten through my story and the intake questions. It will be a few weeks before we get to a point where I feel we are making progress in working through my issues.
jesus christ darlin' that is some brutal shit. if you need to fully lose it, you go right ahead. by that i mean freak out, scream, cry, break shit, lay motionless for hours on end. obviously i am not suportive of you harming yourself. thank god dh was just being inconsiderate and not dead or injured. i cant fathom how you are handling the wait for the amnio. doing it to protect the baby is about the most selfless and motherly act i've witnessed. i imagine you are sick of hearing stuff like this but you strike me as an incredibly strong and graceful woman. even when you're not.
Hmmmm i must say i would be just a little bit (HUGE) pissed off about being left along all night. Its just not a good time. Its not fair to be lying there alone thinking about 'where he is' and 'is he alive', let along thinking about bub.
I'm so sorry you are going through this shit.
Hugs
xxx
I am sorry you had such a rough night. I am with the others here-- methinks hubby is trying the escaping or denial route. It's sweet while it lasts, but it never lasts...
I hope your visit with a psychologist this afternoon was helpful.
Oh, and I too had a chuckle at the "lived to piss me off" comment. Priceless.
New to your blog. Came here via Artblog. Sorry you had to go through this. Thinking of you.
I agree with everyone else! I think niobe speaks for us all...
Men can be such incredible jerks! Like it would have been so difficult to answer the phone...
I have also had those kinds of thoughts in the middle of the night when my dh was unreachable for some reason. And I know exactly what you mean about his seeming level of detachment on this issue...my dh behaves similarly. I agree with kathy that it is a way of coping but it isn't very helpful!
The thing is, you are not alone, and the termination decision should not be only yours. One way or the other you are deciding about the shape of your future life here, and he has to help you with real input in that. If he hasn't, that is not really okay. I wonder if you should not consider seeing a counselor/ psychologist together?
I never thought that you would use it as a threat or that you would hurt anyone other than yourself. I know way too much about the realities of suicide to believe that you would threaten such a thing. What I do see in your writing is something I am also all too familiar with, a total loss of hope in everything. That's a dangerous place to be.
As far as your husband, may I recommend a giant padded bat to beat him with? It will help you get out your aggression and frustration, it will help him understand where you are right now, it will give him a little pain, but it won't cause permanent damage. Plus, it will introduce a bit of humor and give you something to think about.
Let me ring in with the others to say your feelings are totally and utterly normal. Also, a really good therapist will help you work through all of these feelings. Obvious, I know, but a good one can really make the difference. I owe my life to my own therapist, actually.
I am so sad that you are in this terrible place. I just want to scream at life for being so unfair. We all love you very very much, wish you the absolute best, and are sending you all the positive healing thoughts the world has. Please email me if you need absolutely anything at all, OK?
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