My core strength is failing

My core strength last time came from my marriage. This is failing now. Or I am switching off and generally convincing myself that my husband would be better off without me, he could make a fresh start with someone else with less baggage.

He is also making me angry. Today he went to work. I had a very bad weekend psychologically-wise. I spent the whole day today on my own. He didn't call once to find out if I was still alive. I went to meet his bus in the village - a huge effort for me. I don't know why it's a huge effort. It's the only time I went out. He is the only person I have seen today. When he saw me he carried on doing something on his stupid fucking new mobile phone.

He told me he had telephoned about V.'s plaque for his bench. That it was ready. That he went to pick it up. Information dribbled out with dramatic pauses like it's some sort of exciting event. Congratulations, you didn't get a baby but here's the consolation prize - a plaque for his memorial bench, ten months from the day he was born. What a shame you didn't wait so you could put your father and your second son on it too.

Maybe I'm letting him make me angry because it's all part of switching off the links which are preventing me going one step further. Trapped by my husband, my brother and my mother. He did a very low thing - he went out (we were both supposed to go out to see the new "plan" for our village) and called my mother to let her know I was going to be on my own. What the fuck is my mother supposed to do? That was such a low thing to do. My mother is on her own. Because HER HUSBAND IS DEAD. HE'S NOT COMING BACK LATER ON THIS EVENING TO COMFORT HER.