Vitriol avoided

At the weekend there were no explosions, although it wasn't easy. We arrived late on Friday which meant we didn't have to spend Friday with them all. On Saturday I managed to duck out of the afternoon by taking a nap.

Couple A were great as normal, taking the time to talk to us (both the male and female half), not shying away from pain or tears, difficult questions, asking about how my mother was doing, asking how we were doing.

Couple B - the male half of couple B talked to DH but not to me. The female half trapped me in her car and spoke her piece for about 10 minutes. She said that she was very ill at ease, that she knew we weren't impressed with them, that they had been very saddened by our story. She said she hadn't know what to say (mmhmm, for more than a YEAR, I was thinking) and had been scared of crying on the phone if she called me. She said she'd received the first box of maternity clothes and thought that she would call me, then never got to it, then received the second box and lost her nerve. She thought that I wouldn't want to talk about the maternity clothes at all. (Yes but just a text message saying that you damn well received them would have been something).

I just listened to her and then said that there were no words of comfort to give to someone whose child has died. That the people that had supported us the most were the people who cried with us, who acknowledged and shared our grief and had shown it. That we weren't given a guidebook with instructions on what to do when your child dies.

What ruined her effort was that after these ten minutes were over and we had arrived at our destination, she said, "So we're good then?". That pissed me off - yes, ten minutes of talk to relieve your own ill at ease feeling does not a year of silence mend.

Couple C - the male half spoke to DH (because he was perturbed by DH's phone call rather than because he was showing any support). The female half didn't say anything. DH generously but briefly asked her about her pregnancy and she told him that she had contracted toxoplasmosis and was taking medication for it.

I was glad when it was over and we went our separate ways again. I really went on this weekend for DH's sake. It was all couples and I couldn't let DH be the only one without either a child or a wife. I also realise that I often only write about DH when he's been annoying me. This weekend I felt like he really really understood me and I felt lucky lucky to have such a great husband.

By the way, DH and I both agree that men-only weekends, at least for a while, are probably the best way forward at this point. DH is also by nature much more forgiving than I am. It just remains to convince the others.