2 kg and life's punches

Beanie now weighs an estimated 2 kg (*7lbs, average full term weight, = 3.2kg) and seems fine according to the perinatologist although at the top of the weight range for this gestation. I keep saying to myself that this is good if we're going to cut at least three weeks off his growth time at the end. I asked the peri about hiccoughs too and he told me that they were a sign of good vitality. I am feeling slightly less anxious about the hiccoughs now.

I also had an appointment with the haematologist and the head of haematology on Friday. In short, we have decided not to begin LMWH injections as there is no physiological reason to do so. Recent research shows that heterogenous Factor V Leiden does not have a strong association with late term pregnancy loss. My D-dimers are going up in line with the normal curve for pregnancy.

I will start having my D-dimers measured every two weeks instead of every month and continue taking 100mg of aspirin every day, wearing compression stockings every day and I am supposed to go for a walk at least twice a day. I haven't been doing this as my back hurts more when I walk but the head of department said that the overall benefits, including not only helping to prevent thromboses but also being in better shape for recovery after delivery, outweigh the back pain and I should walk anyway. Something which my mother, a veteran of back pain, agrees with.

This last week I have been a little less anxious about Beanie overall, something which I'm grateful for. My 16 hour working week was thrown out of the window when an announcement was made worldwide which means some of my team may face changes in their employment. Redundancy is one of the options but not the only one. So I had to swing into executing a communication plan defined globally, holding one-to-ones with them etc. on top of the things I had actually planned to do with my 16 hours. I feel bad that it won't be me accompanying them through the transition but someone new (yet to be found) whom they don't know. Welcome to the way life is.

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On the way to the haematologist appointment, I almost had a breakdown. This was triggered by the fact that I saw a cardiomobile and an ambulance outside a building. These same two vehicles came for my Dad but he was already dead. I saw a man strapped to a gurney, face uncovered, being put into the ambulance and they sped off with sirens - to the same hospital to which I was on my way for my appointment.

Did they cover my Dad's face when they wheeled him out? Did they speed off with sirens? Or did they say to themselves that it wasn't worth it, that they were only going to the hospital to register the death? My mum sat in the ambulance with him, but she knew he was dead.

Since I was driving my car, I had to pull myself together or stop driving. I managed to pull myself together after a few minutes of weeping. But in those few moments, it had all hit me like a punch in the stomach again. My Dad is gone and will never return.