Here goes

So here goes. I am new to blogging and before five weeks ago, I had only read a couple of blogs. Then my first child, my son, was stillborn at 4 days past his due date after a perfect pregnancy with no hint of problems. Nothing dramatic. His heart silently stopped beating. He stopped moving. We went to the hospital a few hours later when I realised. Too late. His induction was already scheduled for the next day. He was born a few hours earlier than planned. The autopsy and tests on me all show that nothing was wrong with him or me and the reason why his heart stopped is unknown.

Now I find myself in some sort of wrong parallel future. There has clearly been a mistake on behalf of the universe, of Mother Nature, of God, whoever.

In my utter incomprehension of what happened, I turned to the internet and stumbled upon Anam Cara. I read through her archives and through her links to others I discovered a community of blogs from women - and a few men - who have had the misfortune to go through similar experiences. I have somewhat obsessively read through many archives and sadly recognised the sentiments. To you all, I want to say thank you for showing me what the future might hold, good or bad, in a few months or in a few years.

I worked up the courage to leave a few comments and received some encouragement from Three Minute Palaver to start writing my own blog, which until a few minutes ago had the exciting name of "Test". I have so many thoughts constantly circulating in my head, day and night, maybe it might help to write them down.

Since I am a bit paranoid about people in real life discovering my blog, I'm going to try to keep it anonymous. I figure that if my son had lived, he would have ended up having his own virtual identity. Therefore I'm going to call him Moksha.