- Moksha dying was not really my fault
- I was not hand-picked for this experience. There is no hidden "lesson" I am supposed to learn so that the universe will be nicer to me next time around once I've proven myself to be worthy
- We did not "deserve" this - shitty luck isn't dished out along the lines of merit. Neither is good luck for that matter
- It could happen again - I know that - but it is unlikely
- I still have things in my life to be happy about
- My own life was never in danger and this is a good thing at least for those who love me (see previous point)
- How could I not have known the very instant that Moksha had died? He was living inside me and his life was physically connected to and dependent on mine for crying out loud!
- There must be a reason why this happened to us. I cannot accept the inherent injustice
- I didn't pay enough attention to the kick counts. I thought I was home free. I was caught out naively counting my chickens (before they had hatched.... what an appropriate expression)
- The very word "loss" implies that I lost him in some sort of careless manner
- I have failed and have let everyone around me down. My womb is a place of death
- It was unlikely to happen this time, so the fact that it's unlikely to happen again isn't comforting at all
- How could I ever be really happy about anything else again when my child, my son is dead and all of his future is gone? It's just too big and casts a black shadow over everything else
I hope I will make some progress one day on the second list.
1 comments:
Rosepetal--I'm so glad that you have started blogging, but I'm so, so sorry that you've had to join our little circle. Oh I'm just so sorry. Words just can't say it. Just being a few weeks into this horrible journey, I know exactly how black things look right now. It's just all too unbelieveable. I have found an enormous amount of comfort in these blogs. Writing has helped me quite a bit, but reading the blogs has helped the most. I've realized that nothing I feel is crazy or wrong and most importantly, I'm not alone. You are not alone. ((((huge hugs))))
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