Smiles......

On Friday it was Moksha's 2-month birthday. Thanks a lot to those who commented on my last post. I did manage to think of it in terms of the day that we should be marking. A friend of mine came to visit. She's had two pregnancy losses this year, one early 2nd trimester termination due to a chromosome problem and one miscarriage at 8 weeks. I showed her some pictures of Moksha. We talked and cried. I took her up to the small lake where Moksha's ashes were scattered. I had bought a rose and she also wanted to buy one so that he would have two roses for his 2-month birthday. We laid them by the stream flowing into the lake. I was very touched when she asked me if she could say a few words to Moksha.

I couldn't stop myself from looking up in my unused copy of "What to Expect the First Year" what a two month old baby should be doing. It said that he should be able to smile in response to my smile.

In the evening, after my OB appointment, DH and I bought a helium balloon and we each wrote a message to Moksha on a small card which we attached to it. We let it go and watched it disappear into the evening sky.

We love you, Moksha. Sending you my smiles :-) Are you smiling back?

On reflection, this last week since we got back from vacation has been a relatively better week. I haven't done much in terms of going out etc. but I didn't feel quite as negative. (Still can't say I was feeling positive, just not as negative....) I was able to mostly enjoy a dinner out with DH and my friend, and also a trip to a vineyard today for a marketing event. At one point I actually did manage to look at Moksha's photo and genuinely, spontaneously smile with love, albeit through my tears.