When we went on vacation recently, we took a few pictures of Moksha along with us. We both looked at them often although not always at the same times.
I recalled the French film Jean de Florette, and its sequel Manon des Sources. I've seen this film several times, the first time must have been when I was about 18 and studying French at school. I won't go into the whole story, but in the second part, one of the characters, Ugolin, falls obsessively in love with another character, Manon. He doesn't really know her as a person. His love is completely and utterly unrequited, Manon despises Ugolin (for some pretty good reasons) and finds him repulsive.
Ugolin finds a ribbon that Manon used to tie her hair and takes it home. There is a scene in the film where Ugolin, in private, physically stitches Manon's ribbon into the skin on his chest, near his heart, so that it can always be with him. I always found that scene pretty gross, as you might imagine.
But suddenly, whilst I was on vacation I had that exact feeling. I wanted to physically stitch Moksha's photo to my heart. Not because I wanted to harm myself, but because I wanted to get as physically close to him as possible. It was a very intense feeling. I needed more than to just be able to touch or hold the photo, I needed it to be part of me. (No, I didn't actually do it). Actually I need him to be an integral part of me and my future life again, but the photo is all I have. I wanted to claw myself open, and put the photo inside.
Yes, he is in my heart already blah blah blah, but for the moment, that's still still too abstract. I need something physical. Which is unfortunate as I'm not going to ever receive it from him.
Unrequited love, that's what I have with Moksha. He isn't here to love me back. But I'll never stop loving him. Isn't that what loving parents give to their children? Unconditional love with no expectations of what you might get in return? No matter what they do, you love them anyway. It's always there even if its not manifested on the surface. Even if they aren't here.
Or do I just have a completely idealised view of parenthood?
6 years ago
3 comments:
It is amazing how important those physical things are to us. My weird fantasy is to sleep in the cemetery on the ground next to C's grave. This fantasy began in the middle of winter in Canada, so you can see how impossible and foolish it is. But it is a fantasy that hasn't left. And on warm, sunny, summer days, I do sit by his grave and just...be.
I can't tell you if your view of parenthood is idealized or not, but I think that the best parents do love their children unconditionally (despite those inevitable moments of wanting to strangle them). I guess it is a little easier to idealize a baby that never cries or breaks expensive pottery or borrows the car without asking...
((((((((hugs)))))))
I think that this sort of feeling is the reason that many of us get memorial tattoos. I have not had one done, but alot of loss mommies i know have. I have been kicking around the idea -- i know even what i would get, but i am just sure sure yet.
Yes, parents do give their children unconditional love. But, of course, you still have to keep the little hooligans in line.... ;)
And yes, as delphi said, it is easy to idealize a baby who died before he could cause any trouble. I try to remember that if Nicolas was alive he would be causing me no end of headaches tearing around breaking things (he was always very active in utero). But it is easier to picture him as a cuddly sleeping little baby.
I just ran across your blog. My heart really goes out to you.
I had a miscarriage about 4 years ago and I felt some of the same ways as you do about wanting my baby to still be a part of me and a few years ago I saw this
http://www.acfnewsource.org/science/babies_heal_mothers.html
about your babies cells still living in your body for decades after you've given birth. I hope that the idea of that gives you some amount of peace. It certainly helped me.
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