I see people having a coffee with friends, shopping, smiling, laughing, seemingly enjoying life. But in that life, is there a loved one gone too soon? A life-threatening disease? A rape? Fleeing from danger leaving everything behind?
Are the people I see going on with their lives despite their grief and sorrow? Or have they been able to maintain their innocence in life?
Maybe they have a different definition of tragedy. Maybe something happened to them which they consider to be tragic but I don't. Or vice versa, maybe something happened to them which I would consider a tragedy but they don't.
If I was living in a poor village in a famine and poverty-stricken part of the world and I had a baby that died, would I see it differently? Would I consider myself supremely lucky that I didn't die as well? I certainly don't think such a woman loves her child any less than I love mine. I'm just wondering whether her circumstances would bring (or force?) acceptance of her fate much faster. If you're the twentieth woman in the village this year to give birth to a dead baby, then I suppose you're prepared in some way for that to be a possible outcome for you. And so is the society in which you live.
I suppose what I'm trying to say (yes, what are you trying to say, Rosepetal?) is that every experience is relative and none are objective. The word tragedy cannot be objectively defined, in the same way that pain cannot be objectively measured. So for some in the world, I should indeed consider myself lucky for my loss to be given any recognition at all.
Or is recognition prolonging my grief? Does it make me more likely to wallow in self-pity? My experience should bring the good things in my life to my attention. And it has. So why don't I feel more grateful for them? Instead of feeling grateful for having them, I feel more scared that they are going to be taken away. I'm scared my husband will die in a car accident or get stabbed on a train. I scared my father is about to die.
Am I thinking that these good things are mine? And Moksha was mine? I have to try to let go of the concept that things belong to me. They don't. They are just gracing my present. I suppose that once a person is able to accept that, they are no longer scared of them being taken away.
Yep, much easier said than done. Another meandering, thought-dumping post. Sorry.
3 comments:
The gratitude and the fear go together, i think -- i am *more* grateful for my family now because i realize that i can lose them.
I don't know, i don't necessarily think that letting go of ideas of possession helps with the fear? I was also very afraid of more loss after Nicolas died. If my husband was late coming home from work, i was sure he was dead already etc. I have gotten better about that.
The thing is, when your baby dies, and it is so unexpected for us -- i never knew such things happened, and so often -- you have that loss of innocence and trust that you write of. You *know* that all bad things could happen to you again, and you do not trust that they will not. A friend of mine one said it was like 'Death knows where i live now'.
I would say that for myself, time has calmed the fear though it is not gone. My dh can be an hour late now before i start to worry. I know bad things can happen but i trust that it is not as likely they will happen *today*.
Hmmm, i like to think I'm the coffee beans.... life is what it is and I change the things around me to suit? I have been the carrot in the past but don't think I could ever be a hard boiled egg! Just not me...
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P.S Sorry about the deleted post, that was me, beta blogger playing up!
I always look at other people and wonder the same things you do. Just because people look *normal* and *happy* on the outside doesn't mean anything. Most of the time we are all good at hiding what lies beneath. Just the other day I mentioned the death of my son Thomas to an acquaintance whom I've only known for about 6 mths and she was so shocked. She said I seem so cheery all the time and that she thought I had the perfect family, with a girl and now a boy, and how she would never have guessed what a horrible tragedy had happened to me. But for the longest time after Thomas died I thought how could people NOT see what has happened to me. How can they not tell by the sadness in my eyes and etched all over my facee??? Of course in the first few months it probably was more obvious, esp. when confronted with babies and pregnant women. But over time I guess it becomes less and less obvious most of the time as we put on our *masks* to face the world.
I also believe that while it is beneficial to focus on the good and positive aspects of your life while you are grieving, don't try to push away your grief. Don;t feel like you don't deserve to grieve because so many others have it worse. I did that in the first few months after Thomas died. I started thinking I didn't have the right to wallow in my self-pity and I think it slowed my healing process. I think you need to feel what you are feeling and wallow now because it will come at later if you don't. You can't supress it forever. It will come out at some point. And don't be too scared of the depth of emotions and feelings you will experience. Grief can be very very ugly. But again, you need to get those ugly feelings and emotions out in order to heal. big (((hugs))) to you.
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