GRRRRRR!!!!!

***I edited this to take out identifying details about my ex-friend***

Yikes. I have written - but not sent - an email to an ex-friend of mine - one who I already mentioned in another post. She got wind of the fact that I wasn't impressed with her "friendship" after Moksha died. She has a baby son and works at the same company as me. She's just gone back to work.

She left me two messages yesterday and sent some text messages to DH. In both of her messages she basically said that she had spoken to another friend of mine - one who has spent hours listening to me cry and has been there for me almost constantly since Moksha's birth - and understood that I didn't want to hear from people with children. This is such bullshit, since this other friend has children! I'm pretty sure she spoke once to my good friend, probably 2 or 3 weeks after Moksha died and didn't bother asking again.

In her text to DH she said "I heard that [Rosepetal] is upset because we haven't called. But you know we have been thinking of her". That just PISSES ME OFF. HOW DARE SHE BLAME MY HUSBAND FOR HER INABILITY TO CALL, EMAIL OR WRITE TO ME EVEN ONCE.

She also went on about how difficult her life is as she is finding it hard to juggle motherhood, work and relationship with her husband and how it's hard to maintain things as they were before. WELL GUESS WHAT. IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME AS BEFORE!

I have already decided that I don't want to see her again. DH plays on and off in a band with her husband.

She isn't a bad person. She is just being insensitive and both her messages were me me me messages which PISSES ME OFF (sorry, did I already mention that?)

I have no problem at all if DH remains in touch with them. He does understand my point of view. I haven't sent this email to her YET but it's basically ready to go. So dear readers, what do you think?

"This is a personal email - it has no bearing on anything work-related.

I got both your messages. Please don't blame [DH] or [Really Good Friend] for the fact that you haven't been in touch. That really makes me rather angry. Those are two of the main people on whom I have relied very heavily for strength and support over the last 12-13 weeks since [Moksha] died.

I have been in touch with plenty of people who have small children or babies. Thank goodness, since people with children represent the vast majority of my friends. I don't suddenly hate all people with children. I haven't necessarily seen all of them face to face. But they have sent emails or cards and phoned and listened.

I'll writing this email to you this in case someone else you know has a baby who dies so you are able to help them better. This is just my view. You probably have a different view.

When I spoke to you just after [Moksha] died, you told me that

(a) you could "sense" I was angry with [DH]. I wasn't
(b) you talked about your abortion. I understand that you have feelings of regret and sadness about your abortion. But it wasn't a great topic for me at the time, less than one week after [Moksha] died. I still can't understand why you brought it up then.
(c) you speculated that [Moksha] died because of the heatwave because of some rumour you heard to that effect in Sweden. Thanks to your words, I spent several weeks afterwards thinking I had maybe killed him by going outside when it was too hot.

Now you call after twelve weeks of nothing and talk about

(d) how it's someone else's fault that you haven't called or that I haven't received your good thoughts
(e) how it's really really tough being a mother and how your relationship is suffering
(f) how you hope "I'm feeling better". I'm actually not recovering from the flu. I don't think I will ever recover from my son's death. I just have to integrate it into who I am.
(g) how great the team [at work] is now and how I should come back to it. I am dreading just setting foot in the office with the huge loss of confidence I have suffered. I certainly am not thinking about what move would be best for my career. But, since you haven't been in touch, I suppose you wouldn't know that.

As it happens, I have spoken to other people already about the topics in (b) and (e) with no problem at all. A friend who came to see me spoke about her abortions. I certainly don't think looking after a baby suddenly became easy just because [Moksha] is dead. I completely understand that going back to work, working long hours and leaving [your son] at home must be tough. But those people to whom I have spoken about these topics have also spent many hours listening to me, crying with me and talking with me and accompanying me as I absorb what has happened and change as a person. That is what enables me to hear it from them.

How to draw something positive out of this? If you ever know a friend who loses a child, please call them and listen. Call them regularly. Tell them that if they don't want to talk at the moment you call they just have to say so and you will understand. If you can't call, send emails or letters. Don't rely on other people to pass your messages on. Don't rely on your ability to send good feelings over to them without speaking or writing. Don't speculate as to the cause of death when you know absolutely nothing about it. In your very first messages, don't talk about how hard life is for you, especially because you have to juggle work, motherhood and relationships. I am not bitter or jealous that you have [your son], I certainly would not wish this tragedy on anyone else. But surely you must understand that it's sounds pretty insensitive to me that you talk about how hard it is for you when it's the first time you've been in touch.

I hope you never have to follow that advice.

I have read this article several times.

http://www.insightbooks.com/NewsEntry.aspx?id=33

You make it clear that your bucket is already full of your own problems. You haven't approached me as I'm holding my bucket. This just means that you have no idea where I am on my journey of grief and you continue saying things I don't want to hear - things from your own bucket. I am absolutely not questioning your right to have your own bucket. But I cannot accept anything from it.

You had good intentions and I don't think I ever said anything useful to people in deep grief before [Moksha] died. But it's too difficult and too late for me to explain to you, twelve weeks later, where I am now and how I have changed and am changing. What I am saying probably sounds very unfair to you. But there you have it, life is under no obligation to be fair or my beloved son [Moksha] would not have died. I don't have the ability to change the unfairness of it all. It's not my intention to hurt you, it's my intention to let you know how I feel so that maybe one day if it happens to someone else you know, you have a better idea of what to do.

Please remember that [DH] and I are separate people. [DH] doesn't think the same way as I do - he is a much more forgiving and positive person - and this email is strictly from me only. Please do not ask him to pass on any more messages from you to me or ask him what to do, or tell him that he knew you were thinking of us (thus placing the blame at his door) etc. It puts him in a very uncomfortable position. He is trying to go on with his life but [Moksha] was his son too. It's certainly not up to him to take on board things you wanted to say to me but didn't.

I hope [your son] is doing well and I wish you and [your DH] well in your personal lives.

[Rosepetal]