Foot in the office

I have calmed down a bit about my ex-friend. I haven't sent the email but writing the draft of it helped me calm down. Blogging is pretty useful like that. And having spent time drafting it also came in useful, as I mention below.

I had to go into the office for the first time yesterday to drop off my old laptop, and again today to pick up my new one (on which I am now typing this post). I had a meeting in a café with the head of HR first, where we discussed my forthcoming return to work some more, and then we went back to the office together as she knew I was not looking forward to it.

After dropping off my PC, I had a coffee with my team's assistant, who has been in touch with me already via letter and email. It was the first time I've seen her. We walked over to the café and she was trying to be her usual bright self when all of a sudden she stopped, looked at me and said, "You didn't deserve this, not you", started crying and hugged me in the middle of the street. Naturally that set me off.

We had a drink and I showed her a picture of Moksha. I've shown quite a few people a picture of Moksha, for reasons I mentioned here. I don't normally wait for them to ask - I don't think anyone would actually ask. (And if they did ask to see a photo and I didn't have one, that would also be upsetting). She asked me if I found it okay to talk about what happened or not and I told her it was much better for me to talk about it than for people not to mention it at all. I told her I had lost a lot of confidence and she asked why. I explained about the feelings of failure, of wondering what I had done wrong, of being unable to protect my own little, defenceless baby son - the most primal thing he should ever have needed from me.

I know that some people do not like public crying; I'm not one of them. I don't mind crying in public at all and I often wear my heart on my sleeve. I've done a lot of public crying recently, both the tears-silently-rolling-down-cheeks kind and the huge-consumption-of-packets-of-tissues-to-blow-very-snotty-nose kind. I have never had anyone seem utterly uncomfortable with me crying in public. I also am trying to tell people who seem interested what it feels like, so that they can try to understand.

Today I went back to the office to pick up my new laptop and had to wait around quite a lot. On the way in, I told the receptionist of the building that I was parked in front for a short time and she said, "Didn't you have a baby? Weren't you pregnant?" I said, "Yes, but unfortunately my son was stillborn." Without crying - I am somewhat surprised by that. It's the first time I've encountered someone that knew I was pregnant didn't know that Moksha was stillborn. Actually, no it isn't - there was that guy from our antenatal class, but I was with DH then and he did all the talking.

Then, in our office, a guy I worked with in my last role came up to me, happy to see me and asked how everything was. I had to tell him Moksha was stillborn, this time with tears - the silent rolling type.

And then, still whilst waiting for the laptop to be ready (was supposed to be ready yesterday afternoon, then this morning, and this was now the afternoon - thank god I didn't actually have any work to do!) my "boss", the husband of the ex-friend mentioned below, happened past. He was a friend before he was my boss - and then DH became friends with him too.

He said, "well, hi-eee!" in a too-happy voice, as if I'd just been away on an extended trip to Disneyland. When I didn't respond with a dazzling smile, he asked if I had a few minutes. We went outside and he said, "I want to give you a hug" and then attempted to do so. He said he was sorry and asked if he and ex-friend could drop by this weekend (GOD NO, I thought.) I basically said that

- I had been angry with some people who hadn't been in touch in the last 13 weeks and had had to deal with that in my own way and now it was difficult for me to just pick up where it was left off.
- that I didn't want them to try to contact me through DH as it was getting him unfairly caught in the middle.
- I said that I had been intending to send ex-friend an email and I didn't want to pass messages to her via him since that was what I didn't want them to do to me via DH. He asked anyway, and so I said that I hadn't found her messages helpful. He said he would pass that on. (I should say she left me another, rather pissed off sounding message yesterday which said, "Hi [Rosepetal], it's [ex-friend] trying to call you AGAIN, sigh sigh, I'll try again aNOTHER time." The whole tone was "how dare you not respond when I've been so gracious as to call you after twelve weeks and leave such kind, considerate and sensitive messages."

He said he understood, and that he understood he and ex-friend could call me directly and that they would and that they would love to see me whenever I was ready. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready, but I suppose it did clear the air a little. I'm also glad I managed to say, in a toned down way, what I was really thinking and that I didn't just brush it off and act as though I was the same friend as before when I'm not.

And it's good that I've crossed the bridge of actually going to the office. I didn't see that many people but I have a better idea of what to expect when I actually do go back.

I met up with DH for lunch today - we ate sushi (yay - sushi, didn't eat that when I was pregnant) in a town park in the bright autumn sunshine. I love doing that with him. And in other news - we're going to NYC for a week's holiday in November (before I go back to work). We're both looking forward to it - and I have been learning a lot about pri.cel.ine dot com na.me your own pr.ice hotel bidding.

Oh, and I just wanted to add I could not agree more! Does ANYONE understand what she is doing with him?