"Le Chagrin"

The view from the window in my appartment.
Moksha's ashes are scattered somewhere in those hills, but off the right of the picture

Yesterday was very sad but not unbearably sad. We met my MIL and FIL at the little lake where Moksha's ashes were scattered. I laid three yellow flowers by the inflowing stream for Moksha's three months. MIL and FIL scattered rosepetals from their garden as we did on the day we scattered his ashes (hence my online name). We cried and walked around the lake. It's in a forest and the forest floor is now carpeted with fallen autumn leaves.

In my mind I said sorry to Moksha over and over again. MIL told me that she loved the place, that whenever she came she thought not only of Moksha but also of her mother. She said that she hoped one day Moksha would have a little brother or sister and that then we could come up to the lake with him or her so that we could all be together with Moksha.

Then we had a late lunch with MIL and FIL in a restaurant in a nearby village. Later on, DH and I released a balloon with a message to Moksha attached to it from each of us. The prevailing wind was different this time - the balloon went in the opposite direction from the previous two times.

On Saturday we had visited a little art exhibition in our village. One of the artists was exhibiting small to medium sized bronze statues. They were all of figures in different postures and represented emotions. The figures have heads but not faces - the interpretation is all in the way their bodies are positioned.

One of them was of a woman sitting on the ground with her legs drawn up and her arm around her knees. Her head is bent forward. A man sits behind her so that she is sort of sitting in the space between his legs. He looks like he just sank to the ground. One of his arms is around her shoulder; the other holds her inclined head close to his chest. His head is also bent forward, resting on the back of her neck.

I identified so much with this statue - the shape of the figures clearly represented sorrow, grief, sudden despair and loss to me. Whatever they are suffering, it has happened recently and it touches them to the core. And, after we had seen it, we found out that it was indeed called "Le Chagrin" - which would be translated as sorrow in English.

The paintings in our home are those we have bought on our travels in S. America, Africa and India and which are all relatively cheap compared to here. (For most of them the framing back here in Europe cost a helluva lot more than the art itself). I have never bought a bronze statue before but I have seen a few pieces of art over here in the past that really resonated with me, looked at the price tag and thought, hmmmm, pretty expensive, walked away and then regretted not buying it.

We went back the next day - Moksha's 3 month birthday - and looked at "Le Chagrin" again and we decided to buy it. It's not bank-breakingly expensive - we're not talking Van Gogh here - but it is the most expensive piece of art I've ever bought. Maybe the cost of a week's holiday involving short flights and hotels. I don't regret spending the money at all. It manifests how we both feel at losing Moksha. Something physical and solid, a translation of my feelings. I don't feel like the figures all the time, but I have felt like that and will again, many times. We only have it because Moksha was here and I like that we bought it in the village where Moksha was conceived, where he should be now and on his 3 month birthday.

In other news - more evidence of my perfect text book pregnancy. My hair has started to fall out. A LOT. I sweep it up off the floor, look behind me and there are strands of hair where I just swept. Looked it up with Dr. Google, yep it's supposed to start 3 months after giving birth. Is this the last physical thing related to my pregnancy that's going to happen?