Positive things in my life right now:
- Husband who loves me and whom I love
- Loving family - mother, father, brother, all in reasonable health
- MIL and FIL who love and appreciate me
- No major daily-life-affecting health problems
- No major financial worries
- Nice appartment with beautiful surroundings
- Living in a stable, war-free country where my human rights are respected
- Enough under my belt to be appreciated at work even if I'm not there right now (return to work is coming up soon)
- I have a job and so does my husband
Negative things in my life:
- My baby son died
- I am very frightened another pregnancy not ending with a healthy living child
- I am on a roller-coaster of grief with lots of dips and not very many highs (and the highs are all relative) and I don't know when it will end, or if it will end.
******
Dealing with grief does not make me brave. There is no choice, other than checking out of life. I do not consider myself courageous just for not killing myself.
I can be considered brave when I have a choice between doing something that frightens me and not doing it.
Having a child is such a choice. A child may die at any moment: at 2 months gestation, at birth, at one month, at six years, at thirty years or after I'm dead. One thing is certain, death comes to everyone. Even after you safely deliver a child into the world, the risk of immense pain of losing what you hold so dear remains for the rest of your life. The risk applies to anyone you choose to love but we continue to be capable of love.
Why will I try again? Because I still think having a child will bring more joy to me and the world in its lifetime than fear and pain. I think that choosing to not try again because I am scared will bring me more pain than trying again despite the fear.
Yesterday evening I cried in fear of the future and fear of trying again. But I will try again. And then you can call me brave.
******
On Thursday I am leaving for a week in the Big Apple so will not be posting.
6 years ago
9 comments:
I couldn't agree more with everything you said. (((hugs)))
I hope you have a nice time in NY.
And by the way, your niece sounds adorable. Lots of love xoxoxo
You're so right, being too scared to try again is not being brave.
Trying again, against all the odds is brave.
I think you should try again. You will be nervous and scared but you might also deliver a live baby at the end of nine months, so be brave, you never know!
(((((((hugs)))))) Have a good time in NYC!
Brave is good ;)
i just read your comment on my post. i'm kind of full of shit because i came here this a.m. but didn't comment. i didn't know what to say. i want to be helpful but i should just give that up. so i'll let you know that i was here and am here frequently.
i think about the brave thing. am i brave or stupid? i guess i'll find out. it is brave to try again even if it goes badly i guess. parenthood is some scary business and you are so right. the fear doesn't end when they are born. it's just a different phase of the fear beginning. but it is more worth it then i ever could have imagined.
i'll be with you all the way when you decide to go for it. you are also right about waiting. it won't get any easier. the longer you wait, the more scared you could get. maybe like getting back on the horse; it's a good idea to do it quickly before it becomes way too terrifying.
myguiding principle in this pregnancy is this: i don't like to make decisions based on fear. the fear was the only thing to keep us from trying again. so here am i afraid all the time but at least with the possibility of it being worth it.
i hope some of that made sense.
"Dealing with grief does not make me brave. There is no choice, other than checking out of life. I do not consider myself courageous just for not killing myself."
I try to tell my friends and family this very thing all the time, and no one believes me. It's crazy isn't it? How people percieve you so differently after you lose a child? They either pity you, or put you on a pedestal. I don't know which is worse.
I identify so much with much of what you have said. I haven't read more than a few of your posts yet but intend to read more when I can.
I have also been battling to make the decision to try again. Am still very undecided. Good luck with everything.
Sending you hugs. Have a great time in NY.
We carry on because we have no choice. And we "try again" because we want that happiness that so many others have proved is "worth it". I don't think either of those things are brave, at least in my case. It is just my life. This is what I am doing. Because I don't see an alternative.
This was a beautifully written post. I am hoping so hard for you that you will find the joy that you seek, need, and deserve.
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