I tested again this morning. This time the test worked and I am not pregnant.
Strange, I didn't feel sick before but I do now, sick from disappointment. You have to admit, it sounded hopeful. It's 33 days since LMP, and my doctor examined my cervix a few days before I supposedly ovulated. Before Moksha, my cycles were around 29 days. And now, obviously I don't know, I just hope the increasing cycle length trend is going to stop soon.
So, now I will run the gauntlet of Christmas without Moksha, the birth of my nephew without Moksha and turning 34 without Moksha and all without the slight strength I could have drawn from the hope inherent in being pregnant.
Updated
It's now three hours since my BFN. I have told my husband (well, I told him before telling you) and had a sobbing breakdown on my own, said how sorry I am over and over again to Moksha, called my mother and sobbed to her too. I know there are people who may read this who had to TTC or have been TTCing for many months on end and this must all seem a bit melodramatic to you after one BFN.
I think the problem is that I only had one strategy for coping with Christmas, my nephew and my aging and that was to be pregnant when those things happened. I am realising that I have no plan B in place. Now I am thinking things such as maybe I will never have any children. I have never contemplated a future in which this might happen, just as I never contemplated a future in which I would be the mother of a dead child. My marriage is strong, but is it that strong?
In the space of the one minute it took for the pregnancy test control window to have a line, I have regressed several months to why, why, why, did our son have to die, why did this happen to us, why could I not just have my bouncing, nearly 5 month old baby here at Christmas, why can't I go and pick my parents up at the airport tomorrow with the car seat filled with smiling, burbling Moksha, and see them go all coo-ey with him and he look bashful and shy, and towards me for reassurance? Why does our appartment still look like that of a childless couple, no toys or burping cloths strewn around the living room? Why is our pram packed away in the attic instead of cluttering up our hallway? Why is it so quiet?
Even now, I catch my subconscious thinking, well AF still isn't here, you don't know it's over until she's actually here. Clinging on by the fingernails to the part of the instructions in the test which say "If the test is negative but you still suspect that you may be pregnant, then test again in three days time". Why would they put that if it wasn't a possibility to get a negative followed by a positive?
As my mother said, we were very lucky last time to get pregnant immediately, it normally takes a little while, one BFN is not indicative of a problem, v. few people get pregnant on the first cycle etc. etc. All true. She told me that she was also hoping that I might be pregnant and she knows the next weeks are going to be really tough, for all of us.
I just feel that I have no role to play in life unless the primary role of mother can be fulfilled. All the other possible roles seem so secondary to me. I could play those roles, but only once I get to play my primary role.
I still cannot understand how we could have got so close to having Moksha and yet never got to meet him. I still have moments where I cannot believe that this is happening / has happened to us. Moments where I reject absolutely this present I find myself in.
6 years ago
7 comments:
I don't know hun...nearly 4 years later i still have those moments that i simply cannot believe this is my life. They are not that often now, but are triggered by certain events. Yes, like a BFN.
Sending you lots of ((((((hugs)))))))) Yes, you will get through all the upcoming events...because you have to. Believe me, they would be horrid to face even if you were pregnant.
And yes, you can have a BFN and still be pg -- it depends on the day of ovulation and the length of your cycles. If your cycle length is wacky, who knows?
I will tell you that my cycles were bizarre for months after Nicolas died. They were very long, 40-50 days, and there was bleeding in the middle of them (not enough to actually be a period, but more than spotting). I never knew if i was actually O'ing or not or when. I have never had cycles that wierd in my life. My OB checked it out and said that sometimes it just took the body time to get readjusted after such a traumatic event. I also think it might have been an effect of the dry-up drugs.
Anyway, it took 9 months for me to have a regular cycle, and Chloe was concieved on that first regular cycle.
I would have to say that the first BFN was the worst for me. I think you actually get a little better at coping with the disappointment as the months pass(for a while, then the bitterness starts to set in, but I digress...). Don't beat yourself up for your reaction - it seems completely normal to me.
Think of it this way. If you had been mugged in an alley, people would catagorize that as a traumatic event. So you decide that you are going to face your fears and walk down that alley again. You just start out on your journey and, unexpectedly, someone jumps out from a doorway. Now, this person isn't going to hurt you - perhaps he is just going to ask you for directions. However, this most sensible reaction would be to run in the other direction. You would be expected to have an emotional reaction.
Something traumatic DID happen to you. And anything connected to that trauma, in the smallest way, will cause emotional reaction. And this BFN is not a small connection - it is a huge connection, representing your hope for the future. So, allow yourself to grieve the loss of your hopes for this month. Then, as a couple of days pass, your hopes will grow again.
Also - my cycles were irregular post-birth. And, yes, I am still hoping that you have managed to conceive, despite said BFN. With weird cycle lengths, it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings!
Take care of yourself in the mean time.
I am so sorry you got a BFN. And this BFN seems even worse because you want to be PG so badly. But I am going to still hold out some hope for you until your next cycle arrives. And hopefully that won't be for a long time. Your not out yet.
I completely understand your devastated feelings about your BFN. I found TTC so hard that I couldn't blog about it. It ripped my heart out getting all those BFN's over and over again. I also mostly had weird cycles this last year and a half and couldn't always predict ovulation. My cycles fluctuated between 28 days and 43 days mostly coming about 32 days. My RE Fertility Specialist recommends women should either gain or lose 10% of their body weight if they are underweight or overweight to improve cycles. I'm a fatty so I've been dieting but I do have a skinny friend who gained 10 pounds and then got pregnant.I am just so sorry you're having to deal with this, especially at this time of the year. I'll have my fingers crossed that the BFN was wrong and AF doesn't come and you're really Up the Duff :)
oh dammit that just sucks. that's not melodramatic darlin' that's DEVASTATING. considering the hell you've been through and are going through and all that was riding on this with the holidays and all, it's just devastating. i wish i could help you have more compassion and understanding for yourself about all of this. Living f*cking hell is what you survived and are still surviving and at Christmas without your precious baby. my heart just breaks for you. i wish i could help.
It's hard... putting your hope of happiness in the idea of being pregnant. I've spent a year and a half doing that to varying degrees. And the first month was a little harder than the next several. I think it is hard not to feel somewhat entitled to be pregnant after losing a baby. I still feel that way most of the time.
Hugs... I hope today is better.
I am so sorry rosepetal. (((hugs)))
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