So, there was some posts in blogworld recently about what to put in Christmas cards. Well, I thought I would share what I have received in Christmas cards so far. This is in continuation of my irritated mood and I make absolutely NO claim to being fair, or just or understanding. Gee, I'm just all out of understanding for the difficulty others have in expressing themselves. And of course my reaction is also completely tied up into how those people have reacted or not reacted since Moksha's birth.
Number 1:
"I'm sure this is not an easy time but lets hope for a better 2007, for both of you. "
First thought on reading it: Sounds like: I'm sorry you had a bad haircut in 2006, hope it grows out in 2007
Number 2:
"We hope and pray that some of the sad loss of [Moksha] is easing and we pray that 2007 will be a year of hope for you both."
First thought on reading it: You didn't try and imagine how it would be if one of your own sons had just died and so you think it's must take, what, four months for it to start easing? But at least you used Moksha's name and I know you didn't mean to hurt. (Although this message made me cry as I just saw the words "loss of Moksha" and "easing" and I could not bring myself to read their newsletter which I knew would tell me about their unplanned, newborn baby)
Number 3:
As part of a longer text: "How sorry we are that this is not going to be the Christmas you had so hoped it would be. Our most heartfelt thoughts and warmest wishes are with you and your family, at this time in particular."
First thought on reading it: I know you understand.
Number 4:
"I know this will be a difficult time. Thinking of you."
First thought on reading it: You didn't know what to say. You could have written more than one line though. I had a vision of you seeing my name on your Christmas card list and your heart sinking and you wanting to get past it asap.
Number 5:
"Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."
First thought on reading it: A stock message, you wrote the same to everyone and you just couldn't bring yourself to write anything contextual to me
Number 6:
"Wishing you both best wishes for 2007" plus a little newsy text all about the author, which includes one line "I think of you often."
First thought on reading it: You just couldn't bring yourself to really acknowledge that I had a baby who died this year. But I wasn't really expecting a card from you, so thanks.
Number 7:
"Our thoughts are with you this Christmas time."
First thought on reading it: Sounds sincere, but I'm also thinking about the really nice email you sent me which ended with you saying: one thing is for sure, you're still my friend and you're still a brilliant person.
Number 8:
"We wish you a happy Christmas and a 2007 filled with the happiness that you deserve."
First thought on reading it: Thank you.
So, as you can see, there are no logical reactions, only emotional ones. But if anyone happens to be reading this who knows someone whose baby died this year, then you should probably:
1) Do actually send a card but maybe not one with playing children on it
2) Write more than the usual stock drivel and write at least a little paragraph
3) Use the baby's name in your card
4) Acknowledge the loss and how Christmas is going to be tough
5) Make no assumptions about it getting better
6) Mention that you think of them often and of their baby too. I am often astounded about how many people who I see for the first time in months, say "I've been thinking of you often." It's no fucking use to me unless you actually tell me.
Any other comments about what to say in a card to someone who has lost a child are welcome. I admit it's a hard game to win but not saying anything is worse than saying something. Just please spend an extra few minutes on the card to the grieving this year.
Updated: I've just read Msfitzita's post on a Christmas card she received, which also shows that it a hard game to win, but ultimately it is possible.
2 comments:
Yeah, people suck.
I think that as long as you don't get an xmas letter full of pictures and proud stories of somebody's grandson who is the *exact age* of your dead baby, well then, it's not as bad as it COULD be.
Yes, this happened to me, and yes, the person who sent it (my father's second wife) should have known better, being as not only is she a trained counselor but also a bereaved parent herself (her teenage son died in a crash). So i still think she did it on purpose. She made a handsome apology though, when i called her on it, you gotta give her that.
And I've got to give it to you for calling her on it! I hope she has never done it again to you or anyone else.
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