Nice of you to visit

The fat lady has sung. AF arrived early this morning, accompanied by her friend Lower Backache, whom I haven't seen with AF since Moksha was born. I thought once your uterus had been totally stretched out, a period would be nothing to it. It appears not.

So that was a 35 day cycle. I suppose it could be worse. I had an emotional meltdown yesterday and that must have been at least in part to AF's impending visit. I feel a lot better about my Christmas cards too. But since this blog is also a chronicle of emotions, the post from yesterday still stands.

In my emotional meltdown I felt so trapped and so backed up against a wall with no way of escaping. My parents are here, this was a trip arranged when we were supposed to have Moksha at home. We went to visit the little lake where Moksha's ashes were scattered. And later on in my meltdown, I imagined myself drowned in that lake, floating face down in the crystal clear cold water. having left my body and gone on a graceful journey to find Moksha again. This is probably going to sound really stupid, but I feel like a sealion on the beach - difficult to move around and all grace gone. When I imagine going to find Moksha I see it like the sealion in the water, so graceful again, swimming rapidly with purpose.

I just re-read that last paragraph, and I think I better reassure any readers that I am not in anyway planning to do anything like that. Even if the reason is that I love my husband and my family and I know that they would be devastated.

DH is on a business trip, so it's a good job my parents are here. I managed to speak to DH during the meltdown and he made me feel better. I know I am lucky in that respect, to have my husband be so understanding. We are grieving differently but we have become and, up to now, are remaining very close, all thanks to my darling Moksha. Yesterday I asked him what we would do if we couldn't have any more children. I know it all seems very drama-queeny after one TTC cycle. But in the TWW, I was even saying in my head to the potential baby to stick around since I loved him / her so much and that s/he should never ever doubt it.

So let's look on the bright side. I am going to drink wine and spirits over Christmas. I am going to go skiing with DH on his birthday on Boxing Day, and maybe after that too (assuming there is snow to be found somewhere - something rather lacking in central European ski resorts this year). Last year I did no skiing as I was pregnant with Moksha. I should point out that I live a stone's throw from the Alps and skiing is v. accessible here and it is one of DH's favourite things to do.