So here I am in the two week wait again. Somewhere between trying to ignore the huge expectation sitting just next to me all the time (on the sofa, in bed, watching me cook over my shoulder, in the passenger seat as I drive to work, trying to butt in on conversations) and thinking, well it would be within the ranges of normal not to be pregnant even with the s*x every other day approach that we have tried this month.
This week we haven't though, too tired last night and now DH has gone away until Friday night. It's CD 27 so I suppose that isn't going to matter. To be honest I'm glad of the break...!
In addition to all of this there are two things going on which feel like intrusions to my plan of getting pregnant, having a live baby and living happily ever after. I am trying to change job roles at work. The company I work for has been v. understanding, so I can't complain about that. The director of our location (~400 people) told me yesterday that there would always be a place for me which is gratifying to say the least.
There is a good job role, totally different from the one I'm doing now, which I'm quite interested in and they seem interested in me. I can't help thinking, I'll change to that role and then I'll be pregnant which won't go down well. The conversation with myself goes:
(Puff of yellow smoke)
Screw that, you might not get pregnant for months in which case you'll be glad you took this role.
(Puff of green smoke)
You might find out you're pregnant as early as next week!
(Puff of yellow smoke)
Whatever happens you will be happy to find out you're pregnant, the rest will pale into insignificance.
(Puff of green smoke)
Don't build up your whole life to be around being pregnant. Make sure there are other elements too.
In any case I have taken a decision to reduce my working hours to about 75 or 80%. This is feasible in my company as long as I can find the role to fit (which the one above does). With the extra day I am going to do something altruistic and worthwhile. I have always wanted to do this but never arranged it and now Moksha is going to be responsible for this positive thing.
The second thing that's going on is we are still looking at houses to buy. We saw a great house last night which needs both our salaries and a very large part of our savings. More in the upper range of our budget, still affordable but a big change from living very much within our means as we do now. But I had such a flash of happiness when I saw this house. I imagined children running around in the great, mature garden, into the bedrooms and around the kitchen. I imagined the sunshine streaming through the huge number of windows with a view of the Alps. We saw a another house last Friday which is totally different but would have suited us and we went for a second visit and asked for the documents to send to the bank etc. But I certainly did not have the flash of happiness that I had on the house from yesterday.
(Puff of yellow smoke)
You might not ever have any other children, what are you going to do rattling around in that big old house then? Looking at the four bedrooms and pining away.
(Puff of green smoke)
We can always sell it if that happens
(Puff of yellow smoke)
Let's assume that if you do get pregnant you're going to be a paranoid mother. You might want to stop working altogether for a year or so since you're the type who will find it difficult to let anyone else look after your kid. How will you make the repayments then, huh?
(Puff of green smoke)
Everyone says you should buy as much as you can afford and you will generally be glad afterwards. That's what MIL and FIL did, they scraped it by in the first years and now their house is worth twice what they paid for it. This house has a great view and great volumes which will always be assets. And if we get into trouble with repayments, well has Moksha not taught me what is important in life? I should be able to say, okay we'll sell it and we're all still alive and we'll move somewhere cheaper. So what?
So every decision in life is tied up to "will I have another child, one who gets to live, or not?" Can you not just tell me? Give me a heads up? So I can do some planning.
*****
In an aside, when I went for the second visit to the house from Friday, I was on my own and I ran into the owner. What an annoying woman - one who talks non-stop about utter crappy details in her life that strangers are not interested in and goes to the effort of repeating it five times just in case you didn't get it the first time. (I should have told her to get a blog!) I went in and the first thing she said was, "Oh, are you expecting a baby?" I looked down at my stomach (which, okay is still a bit paunchy, but definitely not pregnant looking) and said, "No, why?" She did not get flustered enough in my opinion and launched into a story about how two women at her work were pregnant (like I give a f*ck), and well you never know. WTF? You never know, I thought. You rude b*tch. Do you go up to any woman in the street and randomly ask them if they are pregnant just because, well, you never know?
*****
I am wondering a lot about Delphi - and checking for updates! I know she said she would be away but can't help wondering and wondering and hoping and hoping.....
*****
Finally, my thyroid levels turned out to be normal. So at least that's good. I got in a long crying session with the doctor though, when I went in to get the results and he asked me how I was.
6 years ago
6 comments:
Stop with your puffs and poofs of colored smoke! If you wanna a humongous house, get one, wanna change jobs, do it. Never mind the pipe dreams. Don't build up your whole life to be around being pregnant (quoting you :)! Trust me! X
You can afford to buy a four bedroom house in the country in which you live? I *am* impressed.
Before we bought our house, my dh and i discussed the advice his mother had given his brother -- if you love it, buy it even if it is a little 'more' than you had planned, because you will never regret it.
This is what we did, and we are currently in a heck of a financial hole because of it. I am still not sure i regret it though, because i adore the stupid house. Talk to me when they take all my assets and throw me out in the snow.
And yeah, i agree with artblog, and you. Don't build your whole life around being pregnant....it sounds like these changes (the work change, the house) are good ones for you, pregnant or not.
You will have to tell us what you decide to do that is altruistic and worthwhile!
I'm probably going to sound like an ARSE!
But what's a "DH"?
Kate - four SMALL bedrooms.... I suspect the view is what the premium is for.... And although it is perfectly livable in, it would be much nicer with a more modern kitchen. (and my DH hates DIY and is no good at it).
Financial holes are what I am worried about, yes. But it is good to know that you don't regret it. My MIL and FIL also did that and don't regret it at all. But I am very risk averse by nature.... so it does not sit well with me.
and for you, the ex: DH = darling husband
oooh i hope you buy the house. finding a house is a gut thing and if you can stretch to get into, go for it.
i liked the play-by-play of your conversation with yourself. it's always interesting to hear from the members of someone else's "committee." man oh man we are mean to ourselves. i wonder where those negative voices came from. go knows i have many of them. make sure you ask the nice and loving and maybe rearely heard from member to speak up.
i did a visualization exercise in school once where we imagined someone we knew (or imagined) when we were growing up who was kind and loving and made us feel really good. we gave that person a name if he/she didnt have one already and were instructed to call upon that "figure of kindness and love and approval" in times of need. sometimes when i'm taking a break from bludgeoning myself with all sorts of unpleasantness, i imagine that person stroking my hair. sometimes i leave the person out and just imagine my hair being stroked by some sort of benevolent energy. it's calming and i think it's myself actually giving some love to a part of myself that can actually accept it. i'm going off here so i'll stop. just want to make sure you call on that kind and loving committee member.
hi. thanks for thinking of me. :)
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