Recently DH and I started viewing houses with the intention of buying one someday. At one we went to see a few weeks ago, the owner who was showing us around said, do you have children? No I said, at the same time as DH said, yes, we have a son but he died. Oh sorry, said the owner and without missing a beat told us about some detail in one of the bedrooms.
I was so proud that DH said that. Yesterday I went to see a house on my own as DH couldn't make the early evening viewing time. There were two estate agents - the guy said, how many are you? For the moment, two, I said. This is absolutely true and I thought, ha! I escaped the question. Then later on the woman said, do you have children? I have a son, but he died, I said. Oh, I'm sorry, she said, with a tone I felt to be quite genuine and sincere.
I have a son but he died?
I had a son but he died?
My son died last year?
What do you say?
6 years ago
12 comments:
I still haven't figured out what to say. Usually I just say, "We're working on it!" Because, well, we are. I'm curious to see what other people say. I'm proud of your DH, too. I really don't think that my husband would do that, and it makes me sad. But on the other hand, he might have an easier time saying it than I would. I'm still trying to figure him out with this grieving thing.
Yes, you had a son. Yes, he existed. and Yes, he continues to exist. YES, YES, YES.
Thank you so much for your comment.
I read through all parts of Moksha's birth stories. I'll be honest, I am just able to stop crying and see what I am typing here. I, like delphi, have to admit, your writing is truly beautiful and vivid. I almost felt as though I were with your during all of this.
I am praying that someday soon you get to write about your next child that lives a long life with such wonderful parents. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
~Gail
http://lifeafterhannah.blogspot.com
I'm still working on a 'standard response'... but just try to fit it to the situation. Sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything and then i say no.
I do feel guilty afterwards though... so i'm trying to get better at saying that we had a baby in 2005, but she died soon after she was born... or something like that.
Didn't I answer this? I just wanted to say that it's probably easier for me because when I get "how many children do you have?" I don't answer with a number, I just say "Julia is 9 and Jacob is 7". If someone asks do you have kids, the answer is yes no matter what.
I think you will have to find what you are comfortable with. If you are comfortable explaining he died, then yes, say "I have 1 child" and if they ask how old say "he died" or however you want to explain it.
Hugs.
I had a long comment on this yesterday but blogger ate it and then refused to let me comment on any other blogs for the rest of the day. So i will try to reproduce...
I am proud and impressed that your dh included Moksha...mine does not include Nicolas and never has. As time goes on i do not include him often either, yes i am ashamed of it but it is easier. I got tired of the looks and the shocked reactions...and after Chloe was born, the reaction seemed to me to be an unstated 'well why mention him when you had another one?' So what do i do? I evade the question. If asked how many children, i reference my living children -- my oldest is 14, my youngest is 2 -- not mentioning the one in the middle that is missing, but not saying anything untrue either. Of course it does depend on the context -- in certain situations i will explain about Nicolas. But i have gotten alot of adverse reactions when bringing him up, and eventually i just stopped doing it. I think it was the lady who told me that he died because i must have lifted something heavy that was the straw which broke the camel's back -- since her, i have not felt the desire to share his existence and departure with casual strangers.
LOL...i just saw Connie's response, which is the same as mine, and looks like blogger ate her first comment too. Or maybe we really ARE the same person...
Lala once replied to someone who asked her if she had any brothers and sister by saying, "I had a baby sister, but she died". I went red in the face and after he left I told her she shoudn't be telling other people, that it was just our little secret, but then, I thought about it more and I was quite relieved she'd said something, it saved me the bother! I would never have had the courage!
Your husband sounds like he gets it! That's rare, you're lucky there :)
X
I have to say I have read alot of blogs on this subject..and am starting to feel like I am not the norm. I find myself wanting people to ask me so I can talk about Makenzie. They always seem so thoughtful, giving their eympathy and asking what happened and if i am alright. I have started back a job that requires me to visit offices where my customers ask where I have been. Those that knew I was pregnant ask me about her and I let them know what happened. Some even get teary eyed.
Not to say there hasn't been a few occasions where it was a bit akward.
The funny thing is I bust out Makenzie's 5x7 everytime. It may be to In Your Face- but hell, I am proud of her.
I used to mention Ian more, Samantha, but like Kate .... after getting those horrified looks or strange comments....well, I don't say things to strangers. If it's someone I'll be working with or whatever, I am more apt to bring it up. When I started my new job this summer I did not mention him until I had been here about a month. One of the guys lost a stepson (accident age 22) and I told him about Ian. THen it just started to filter around and now I will mention him whenever.
PS - Eeek! I'm having trouble posting this comment. One more try. Maybe there is something there, Catherine! LOL
Let me start by saying Blogger hates me (I haven't switched to New Blogger yest and it is punishing me). I have tried to comment a dozen times.
I always say "I had a son who died" when asked if I have kids. I will have to revise my prepared answer with the arrival of the Babe. However, I am certain that the best thing to do is to prepare an answer. That way you can go on autopilot when those anxiety-inducing questions are asked.
I try to avoid it- it's just way too hard. Mostly I say no though, I can't bear the thought of explaining our losses to people only to see that look of pity and sympathy in their eyes.
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