Ok, so I'll try again.
Do you have a tendency to see hidden meanings in every day occurrences? Since Moksha died, I do.
Moksha's story part IV, which I haven't put here yet, is mostly about the goodbye ceremony we had for Moksha. His ashes were scattered in a little lake in the middle of a forest off a small off-road. DH and I stayed for a few minutes longer after everyone else had left. We went back to our car to discover that we had locked ourselves out, whilst our mobile phones, money, umbrellas (it was raining) and coats were locked in. I couldn't walk far as I was post-partum and there was nowhere to sit. We had to flag down a car, which I thought could take hours since no cars were actually going by. But it only took ten minutes. Later that afternoon, I realised that DH and I were alone at the lake at 8:28 am and took it to be sign from Moksha, that he wanted us to be just us and him at the exact time he was born.
A few days later, there was a very starry night sky above our home. DH and I could see the Milky Way and we were staring up at its magnificence. All of a sudden we saw a shooting star; we both saw it, just one. That was Moksha! exclaimed DH and I agreed.
A few weeks later we went for a walk. We passed a field with some horses in it. There was a mare and a foal in one enclosure. They were standing quite a way from the fence and the mare was totally uninterested in our presence whilst the foal just looked at us from the safety of its mother's side. The foal won't come over here and leave its mother, I said to DH. But it did, on its own and came to nuzzle our hands. I thought, does the foal know Moksha? Is there a connection between all child-creatures?
During my first two week wait after Moksha's death, I went to get our mail and found a little hand-knitted white bootee for a newborn on the top of the group of three mailboxes. At first I thought, great, can I not get away from this anywhere? I moved it so that it was on top of the three mailboxes opposite instead of on my group. Later on I passed it again and thought, maybe that's a sign that I'm pregnant. I moved it back to its original position.
It disappeared a few days later, maybe found by the mother of its owner, and I wasn't pregnant.
I see what I want to see in these "events". I am scientific by background and by nature, don't know what God is or if s/he exists and never pray. But I still believe that the essence of Moksha goes on somewhere else, although I don't know where. I think it is almost arrogant to think that all there is is this life. After all when we dream, it can seem very real until we wake up. Death might be like waking up from life.
In the end it doesn't really matter whether there are really hidden meanings in things or not. If I see a meaning, then I think it's because I want to see that meaning because it gives me hope or confirmation of something I have been thinking anyway or a direction to follow or is a retro-fitted meaning. I suppose I just want to say I see them every where now whereas I didn't before. Is that what that poem by Mary Frye means, that I can choose to see Moksha anywhere I want to?
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Some blog examples of supposedly hidden meanings I have read recently: Kate saw a twin T-shirt before discovering she was pregnant with twins; Delphi went to a random name generator and was presented with one of the two names she has been thinking about for the Babe; Catherine saw a funeral procession whilst thinking about trying to have another baby.
And Blogger trashed my first attempt at writing this post. If it was a hidden meaning to say that I should not hit publish, well up yours Blogger.
5 comments:
I don't look for signs or hidden meanings in things because it would drive me crazy. I take such things as a coincidence but not a direct message to me. I do understand a lot of people do see things as signs though and I think that's fine because they can find some comfort in that. If it works for you then go with it.
I used to look for them, after Nicolas died, and seeing them gave me alot of comfort. I do believe that our babies -- really, anyone who has died -- can send us signs, that they are OK. And yes, i think that is what comes so true in that poem -- that our babies are, or can be, everywhere. I am not sure about the other stuff though -- those signs that are read to 'predict' future events. This i am wary of...sounds like hocus-pocus to me.
oh la la, watch your language :) :) :)
Loved this post. I was just thinking about hidden meanings the other day when I was thinking about Gabrielle. I do beleive in that sort of thing as it happens, maybe i see things that are not that real but it comforts me and i figure anything that comforts me is a good way to heal faster. And I DO strongly beleive our babies become our gaurdian angels and look after us and protect us. So far everytime ive asked for some sign from her, i've got it :) is it just my imagination, coincidence??? dont care, it helps me!
A bientot :)
I don't know if I exactly believe in signs, but there are strange things that happen in my life that make me feel like C. is near me. I guess that is the same thing.
Beautiful piece of poetry, by the way.
I do believe there are signs and I also believe that your Moksha was sending you some signs too.
I love the shooting star seen by you and your DH. Treasure that memory, for sure.
Just found you...my deepest sympathies for your loss.
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