Six months sweet Moksha

Dear V,

So, it is six months since our lives changed forever. Six months since you were born still, on the very same day that you were supposed to have been born alive. I miss you more than ever. I can’t stop thinking about the should-have-beens even though I know it does no good. I think I would be weaning you now, as I had planned to go back to work at the beginning of March. I watched a mother feeding her baby solids a few days ago and wondered what I would have started feeding you. What would have been your favourites? Mashed bananas? Mashed peas? Mashed something, anyway.

I spoke to your Mamaji the day before yesterday. He had your cousin MC in his arms. He told me that it was hard taking care of two young children, that they did not have a spare moment ever. I wanted to say that it was better not to have a spare moment than to have too many spare moments. But I didn’t say it. Your cousin is adjusting to her new brother and realises that he is here to stay!

We didn’t go to your lake on your six month birthday, but we went a few days before. That’s because we are on a little holiday. We saw your lake in a new setting – with snow all around. The lake was frozen, although only at the edges. We left you some yellow roses. I didn’t cry then, but Daddy did.

Naniji sent us six bird of paradise flowers in your memory. We brought them with us here. Naniji has been worried about me as I have been extra sad that you’re not here with Daddy and I.

On your actual six-month birthday we were skiing in the bright sunshine. We went a little off-piste and found a place under a tree. We lit a small candle we had brought just for you. It was in a very beautiful place. That was yesterday. Today Daddy went skiing on his own, as I am feeling my muscles and am feeling generally tired after two days of skiing. I haven’t been very fit ever since you were born.

Daddy would have so enjoyed teaching you to ski! You would have had a little crash helmet and such short skis. You would have gone between his legs on the button lifts. I watched a little girl throw a big tantrum yesterday – it was at the end of the day and she was tired and kicked and screamed in the snow. When her mummy tried to pick her up, she howled. I’m sure you would have done that too, eh?

I am getting ahead of myself - that wouldn’t have been now – but in a few years. So many things we had planned to teach you my sweetpea.

Grand-maman called us yesterday too. She and Grand-papa went to your lake on your six-month birthday and left you some more flowers. I knew they would do that. They saw the yellow roses we had left you in the snow.

Tomorrow is Nate’s 1st birthday. I wonder if you and he know each other somehow? And so many others – I wonder if you all know each other? You should say happy birthday to him if you see him.

Lots of love, forever and ever
Mummy.