Yesterday I spoke with my SIL for a long while. I hadn't spoken to her for quite some time, as she is busy with her two year old and her newborn, and well, I haven't exactly been seeking her out myself. I get on very well with my SIL and I really like her.
She was very sensitive and she didn't bring up my nephew at all and I didn't really ask about him directly. I asked about how my niece was adjusting to having a baby brother. (Answer: quite well. She has taken to saying, "This belongs to MM, this doesn't belong to MC." "This belongs to MC, this doesn't belong to MM." And then if MC's blanket is used for her or if someone gives MC one of her toys she gets upset and tantrummy. But that's pretty much the worst thing she does, so it's not bad at all. I mean I would probably do that if another person appeared unexpectedly in my life to stay and took up a lot of attention which was previously given to me).
I knew that the whole family had been sick with colds and the like and I asked if they were all better (they are). We had a good catch-up, but without really talking about my nephew.
Then today, my mother sent me an email saying last week MC had had trouble breathing and my SIL took him to the ER. He was monitored and put on a nebuliser and is okay now. I sent them an email today (which resulted in me having to get up from my desk and shed a few tears in the office toilets) saying:
"As you know (you have been very sensitive about it) it's hard for me to hear about MC as he is doing things that V. will never get to do. But he is my nephew, and I hope you know I love him."
It made me very sad. Not angry, just sad. My SIL was being ultra sensitive to me by not talking about MC when he is one of the major topics in her life. I didn't ask about him directly because I don't think I can really cope with hearing about it. And the net result is I didn't even know after talking to his mother for more than an hour that my baby nephew was in the ER last week.
I don't think there is anyone to blame, it's no-one's fault. It's just heartbreaking that this is the effect of little Moksha's death.
6 years ago
4 comments:
Yes, i agree with you, this is really heartbreaking. I think it will get better for you all, as you all feel your way along this lousy path we walk. I am glad for you that you have such a sensitive family -- they are obviously listening to your needs, and as time goes on you will all figure out best what everybody's needs are. That sentance probably doesn't make much sense but i hope you get what i am trying to say...
Merci ;)
It seems to be the same story time and again. People think they're thinking of you and your feelings but they just do not understand that it hurts more when they leave you out. This has happened to me soooo many times, eventually I just tell them, "it hurts more if you ignore me from so and so's life". They always seem so surprised by that!
I think if someone has never lost in such a way they simply don't get it, they don't mean any harm, I really believe that.
It's a fact that takes a while to get used to. But its only been six months for you, it been almost a year for me and I've learned by now! Takes time, like going back to school.
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Just delurking...do you feel like you could talk to your SIL about possibly moving towards more open conversation? I know it may seem hard for you now..but could possibly help your healing in the long run.
I have asked my friends to share with me , I didn't want to feel like an outsider everyone was weird around. They have been pretty great so far with a few glitches and I still feel involved with their world.
I don't know...just a thought. I am new at this my damn self so I could be way off base.
I am not hurt by my SIL at all. I don't think she did anything wrong. I am just saddened by the situation, not by anyone's actions. I don't want to hear all about how my nephew is progressing, not yet anyway. But I still love him and am concerned when he is in the ER.
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