I have stopped taking the baby aspirin today in preparation for an possible CVS next week.
These are the CVS scenarios:
- Have CVS, have a miscarriage and then find out there was no trisomy
- Have CVS, have a miscarriage and then find out there was trisomy
- Have CVS, have no miscarriage and then find out there is no trisomy
- Have CVS, have no miscarriage and then find out there is trisomy and need to decide on termination or not
- Have CVS, have no miscarriage and then find out there is no conclusive result and have to do the amnio anyway.
- Have CVS, have miscarriage and then find out there was no conclusive result. Then I presume they would do some testing on the foetal body anway.
- Don't have CVS and wait for amnio, I will definitely be showing by then.
Obviously the best case scenario is 3. The worst case scenario is 1, closely followed by 6. I have an OB appointment on Monday morning to talk through what I want to do. DH can't come to this one.
In terms of hope, well I'm not holding on to hope. What's the point? Hope hasn't been on my side in recent times and neither have statistical probabilities. I am preparing for the worst. If something better than the worst turns up then of course I will be happy anyway. If I carry on hoping and the worst happens then I will be completely unprepared. Hope is not my friend. I have, however, already made friends with pain and so feel like I know it better.
I asked the OB how the baby dies in a termination as I had no clue. Basically it will die after induction of labour as its heart will not be strong enough to withstand contractions. At some point before birth the heart will stop.
The problem with Trisomy 21 is that with the diagnosis, it cannot be predicted how badly the child will be affected. Some Down's Syndrome kids are able to have full lives. Others are severely affected. Who will look after him / her once we are gone?
The other side of my thinking is maybe this is my only chance to have a child. And if my child was born perfect and then had an accident, I wouldn't be looking for ways to end its life for my convenience. (Please, if you have strong views on termination, I don't want or need to hear them and I will delete your comments).
Everyone is stunned that this could happen to us. I am not stunned as one thing I had accepted is that just because we are going through the loss of our firstborn, does not give us special immunity from more losses. Yesterday my SIL called and spoke to us. DH was telling her that he had been with me all morning. My SIL told him he was a very good husband. He dissolved into sobs and said, "I would like to be a good father." It's heartbreaking.
This morning, I said I wanted to find a name for our baby. If s/he is not going to live much longer, I want him/her to be honoured by a name. Indian names all have meanings. Like V., this baby will have an Indian name and a Sw.iss name. I think with CVS we will also find out the sex of the baby. I had a look online for names and have written on a list names with the following meanings:
without sorrow
always / eternal
love
ascending
immortal
pure
dazzling white
imagining / fantasy
the palm of the hand
star
peace
Do you know, I didn't shed a tear whilst writing this post. The only time I teared up was when writing about DH's "I want to be a good father" comment.
10 comments:
Rosepetal, Oh God. I am so, so sorry. I am hoping and praying with every fiber of my being for scenario #3. I love you, my friend, and we're all here holding on to your hope if you can't right now. The possiblility of a second loss in mind-numbing, I know that first hand. There really isn't a word that can accurately describe the unfairness of it. But everything really might be okay. Really. I'm so sorry that you and your sweet, sweet husband are going through this right now. If you want to talk, please, please email me.
Love, Laura
I am just so sorry this is happening to you. I really wanted you to be immune to more losses and tragedy and I am still hoping more than anything that everything will be alright with your new little one.
(sorry if this is going to sound like assvice...) When I try to imagine what I would do if I were dealing with the same issues and statistics, I think I would opt for the cvs and if that were inconclusive, I would then have the amnio. As totally and completely heartbreaking as it really is, I also think I would terminate a trisomy pregnancy (for numerous and varied reasons), so I would be having all the tests available to make certain that it really was trisomy first off. I am so totally sympathetic to feeling the need for more conclusive information, as I would feel exactly the same way. I am completely gutted you have to live this and make these choices. Please know you are in my thoughts and my heart goes out to you. (if I were religious, I would be praying for you, but as I am not, you have all my positive thoughts instead). xClare
Oh Rosepetal, I understand about feeling like you're always on the bad side of statistics, and more familiar with pain. My heart aches that this is happening to you and your husband. Whether or not to continue your pregnancy, whether or not to have a CVS is your own decision. What anyone else would choose to do is irrelevant and inconsequential for you, but you seem to know that. The names you've chosen are beautiful (at least in their meaning). Much love to you.
I want to wait till the results to reply to you, k, just know I'm praying and thinking of you daily :(
I don't even know what to say here, beyond saying again that I am thinking of you and hoping and praying that it is just a flukey nuchal fold measurement and that the tests go flawlessly and that you can put this behind you. I know that you can't go to that place, so I will go there for you.
Your husband is a very sweet man - that made me tear up, too.
I am so so so very sorry.
I really don't know what to say other than you can only do what is best for you and your husband.
As long as you both agree on what to do then that is one less thing to worry about.
It would be terrible if you wanted one thing and he wanted another.
I really hope all goes well. There is always hope!
Huge hugs
xxx
While I find it almost imposible to have hope for myself, I have retained the ability to hold hope for others.
My heart aches for you. Regardless of the outcome, this is hell to go through.
I will continue to keep you, your husband, and the baby in my thoughts and hope with all of my heart for things to go well.
Just wanted to say am thinking of you
Oh Rosepetal- I hadn't checked in on you for a few days and I just don't know what to say.
My thoughts are with you all right now.... x
Ah -What a tough tough descision. We were faced with the same decision 2.5 years ago. I don't have the history up on my blog, but the doctors were saying our little baby had trisomy 18, 13, or 21. They weren't sure. We opted for an amnio because we just HAD to know what we were dealing with. Praying for you as you make your decision.
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