Silent

Thank you for the comments on my last post. Makes me feel less alone in the terror.

I am conscious of only blogging about negative things. Here is some good news - I had another thyroid blood test on Friday, and it's still normal. So my 50 micrograms (not a high dose) are still keeping it under control. My thyroid gland isn't dead yet! I'll see the endocrinologist again in 6 weeks time. Meanwhile I keep on taking the little white pills. The other good news is that I don't have to take them at 6:30am at weekends (you have to take them half an hour before eating, and I thought it was important to take them at the same time every day and my poor husband was sensitively dropping hints about whether this meant setting the alarm for 6:30am every day for the rest of our lives).

Wouldn't it be great if I manage to go a minimum of two weeks without seeing any doctors? It's my goal for after my OB visit. On Easter Monday, a bank holiday here, I went to the out of hours doctor. I had had bad backache for several days. You have to call an out of hours number which is answered by a nurse. She basically filters the calls and decides whether she's going to call the doctor or not. I told her I was pregnant and had worsening backache. Then I mentioned that it was considered to be a high risk pregnancy. Then I had to explain why and I started crying on the phone. Then I mentioned Factor V Leiden and she asked me if I had problems breathing. (I didn't).

Even though I didn't have problems breathing, I think that was my golden ticket past the filter. The doctor called me 5 mins later. I had to explain it all again and must have sounded like a hysterical nutcase (I was just upset because I was having to explain why this was considered to be a high-risk pregnancy and that my last baby died at 40 weeks + 4 days).

I saw him 45 mins later in his practice. I understood that he and the nurse had wanted to check that there was no pulmonary embolism since I had mid-level back pain and Factor V Leiden. I was actually worried about having some worsening type of internal organ infection that would kill the foetus in a silent way unremarked by me.

He diagnosed bad back muscle spasm in several places (which was a relief to me) but still took a urine culture to check. The only thing in that was the bloody (I'm swearing here, there was no blood) fungal infection.

The back ache has eased over the last few days. The thing is I will never have physiotherapy whilst pregnant again. That was one of the few things that was different in the week Moksha died. The OB has reassured me over and over again that physiotherapeutic massages (that she prescribed) on the back could not have caused him to die. I asked her so many times that she actually asked me if they had been massaging my stomach (they hadn't). No, no, no, she has repeated.

But I still won't be getting any, or any type of lower back massages.

I've realised that's where my fears lie. Not in bloody spectacular messes but in silent death, with no outer signs. Missed miscarriage, not miscarriage. Trisomy leading to a termination choice. Blood clots with no labour. Infection leading to high levels of toxins. Cord accidents. Silent deaths passing by without my even noticing.