10 months

Dear V.,

Ten months since our lives changed forever. I'm having a hard time thinking about you. It's like you have been pushed out by Nanaji and A. Is that what would have happened if you were alive? What sort of mother does that make me?

I have been thinking a lot this weekend about reasons to live. But I can't do it. I am ashamed that I don't even think of death being a way to join you any more. I only think of the end for myself. It's not very good is it? I can observe myself trying to loosen the bonds that keep me here. I am starting to shut out DH, shut out my brother and even my mother. Not shut out, but distance myself. I made this blog private. What's the point of other people reading and being unable to help? It's not nice for them. Since you died, I already cut out friends, they were inept at accompanying me for the most part. That is harsh, I don't think I would have been any better.

So as well as being a poor mother, I have become a poor wife, a poor daughter and a poor sister. I haven't offered any support to my brother since Nanaji died.

But why I am I burdening you with this? What shall I do today to mark your 10 months? 10 months that feel like 10 years. A balloon? Three balloons? Tomorrow is 1 month since Nanaji died. Probably I will just go to your (and A.'s) lake and leave you some flowers.

Take care little one.
Your mother.