11 months

Dear V.,

It's 11 months since you were born, already gone. We didn't get a chance to know you. I do think you must have attained moksha, that you didn't need to spend any more time here, that your karma was all resolved and that you have been liberated from the cycle of birth and death.

I am disappointed that by the time your first birthday comes around, Daddy and I will still not have one of your siblings along the way. How long 4 months seemed to wait after you died! Now it's 11 months and all we have seen are two more coffins, a big one and a little one.

That is not entirely true, we have also seen your cousin MC. How sad that even Naniji said that nothing good had happened in the year since your death and birth, and I myself had to remind her that MC being born safe and sound was something good. I couldn't even hold MC when I met him for the first time after Nanaji died. In fact I barely looked at him and I don't think I even touched him.

Daddy and I are struggling with all of the death around us now. You did bring us closer when you died with our shared disbelief, shock, pain and love. I feel those bonds straining. I don't think they have snapped yet, but they are coming close to their limits.

Is it possible to ever be happy again? Daddy is going faster than I am - or let's say he wants to go faster, and who can blame him? I can see that I am making small steps but I think true unrestricted happiness will never ever be mine again. (Was it ever, even when it was possible?) Just muted happiness - that's the best I could hope for, I think. You, A. and Nanaji are never going to come back.

Out of those three absences, V., yours is the oldest and still the hardest. I love you.

Mummy.