Yesterday and today I missed my Dad a lot. I had that sort of slammed-into feeling where it feels like you've only just truly realised what happened for the first time. Yesterday was Moksha's 11 month birthday. I went to buy some flowers to put by the lake where we scattered his ashes. Dad didn't really know how to talk to me after Moksha died and I didn't make it particularly easy for him. But once he asked me to put a flower from him by the lake. He's never going to ask me that again.
My Dad, unlike my FIL but like DH, was able to show his emotions and I saw him cry many times. He was also a handsome man, and in his youth was always smartly dressed in a jacket and tie. He took early retirement when he was still in his fifties and then dressed casually. Two days after he died, I was picking with my mother the clothes he would wear in his coffin. In Hindu funeral rites, the deceased person should be wearing new clothes for their cremation. We chose something smart-casual, as putting him in a jacket and tie wasn't him anymore.
They probably seem surreal, these things, to someone who hasn't had to do them. Picking your babies' coffins and urns, choosing your father's new death clothes. How do I get back in touch with the reality of every day life after doing those things?
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My SIL organised a party at their house (in the US) for this weekend. I think it's inappropriate, having a party when your father has died - of course it's not her father, but it is my brother's. My SIL has also not spoken to me once since I called her from my hospital bed at 7am after having A., to wish her a safe flight home from the UK. Is this because her life revolves around her children and stupid parties now and we don't have anything in common to talk about any more?
I haven't worn any makeup since V. died - not once. I haven't bought any clothes to feel good, only through practical need of something to wear due to my changed body. I haven't worn any jewellry apart from my engagement and wedding rings and a gold band I wear with V.'s name and date of birth inscribed in it and a gold chain with a pendant, which everyone in my father's family wears. I had stopped wearing the pendant after V. died but have started again since my father died.
I'm not ready to "have fun." I'm just not interested in it. Fun still seems inappropriate. Maybe if Dad and A. hadn't died I would be feeling a little closer to being interested in having fun. Who knows? I think this is part of a widening gap between DH and I. I feel like I need to start another year of mourning for my Dad, whereas DH is ready to have fun again and my brother and SIL are already having big parties.
A. is somehow lost in all of this. I don't think about him very often. Is is because I have better closure on A.'s death? or is it because there's no space left for him?
6 years ago
8 comments:
I actually do think that it would be appropriate to consider yourself in another year of mourning for your Dad. Not that year heaped upon year is a good thing. But you obviously aren't going to be able to flick some magic switch and make your grief go away. I am just really sorry that you are feeling so left behind by those around you.
It is so, so hard to maintain a healthy marriage relationship. Period. Then you add on the death of two children and the death of your beloved father? All in the space of, what, 10 months? I hope that time and communication and pure, unadultrated love can start to bring you back to the same space. There is nothing worse that being in a different emotional hemisphere than your life mate. We always hope that we will be perfect mirrors of each other, and it really, really hurts when you are so far apart.
It sucks that your SIL is so far removed from it all, especially with planning the big party. It is probably easier for her to distance herself from the pain than to deal with realities. And you are probably right; the fact that we are talking about her FIL instead of her father probably has a lot to do with it. I am just sorry that your brother isn't feeling the same way you are.
I don't know how you go back to every day life when you have done these things that no one imagines. I'm not sure that I have really done it.
I loved reading about your dad. I could tell how much he meant to you and how much you loved him by the way you wrote about him. It was really nice to read.
Im sorry your SIL is being like this. Some people just cant get past their own little world.
Huge hugs to you
xxx
My father died 10 years ago tomorrow and I still grieve for him, so do not feel you are being unreasonable in needing more time to grieve the loss of your father, as well as the loss of your two boys.
As for the widening gap between you and your DH, I have no words of wisdom other than my belief that men and women deal with grief in totally diffferent ways. Women tend to meet grief head on and deeply feel it. Men tend to hide grief in the recesses of their mind because they can not fix it so they can not deal with it. I truly believe you both are grieving, each in a different way, and pray that each will find common ground to support the other.
As for your SIL, I would try to ignore her inappropriateness for your brother's sake. Shallow people can not understand the feelings of others and nothing external can change that, so try to let it go.
My sister and her boyfriend decided to get married a week before A died. Because he died, they didn't tell anyone for another two months. So yeah, I think your SIL is wrong to have the party, even if she planned to have it for a long time.
Jewish tradition dictates an 11 months grieving period for a parent, so I completely understand your desire to start another year. Maybe it would help if you didn't give yourself a particular time period, but just the permission to grieve while you feel like grieving? It's still so soon...
It must be hard feeling the distance build between DH and you. I hope Cathy is right, and this is just his way of trying to deal with things because they are just too much, and that he and you can find your way back to each other.
I don't know the answers to any of your questions... I truly wish I did - but I dare say you're entitled to not be interested in fun right now, especially after what you have endured.... x
I always feel as though other posters have already said it better by the time I comment. I think all the previous posters made very good points.
I don't know how you get back to "regular" (whatever that means) life after so much death. I remeber having similiar questions after M died. Trust your instincts on your needs, never feel guilty for putting yourself first right now. I remember thinking at one point that grieving took everything of me, my time, my energy. I didn't have anything left. And that's okay too. My thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing a bit about your dad.
Dearest Rosepetal...
I wish that I could reach out and HUG YOU so tightly!
I am so sorry that your SIL is having that party, I agree that it is not exactly appropriate, but that is my opinion. I am on the same page as you are with it...as I recently have been to a few parties, family ones in the last month. The thought didn't really occur to me that the parties might not really be appropriate, but also if we had not gone people would understand.
I also want to comment about how beautiful you spoke (always speak) about V...
"I do think you must have attained moksha, that you didn't need to spend any more time here, that your karma was all resolved and that you have been liberated from the cycle of birth and death."
These words are just so loving, so beautiful....I find myself thinking similar thoughts about Birdie.
How can we not have thoughts like these for our babies? We have to have hope that there is a reason for their passing on...
I also want to say that you should not feel rushed in your grieving, and that you should not let anyone make you feel that way. Do what you need to do, don't do other things if its just too much for you. Your healthy grieving is most important. Be as selfish as you need to be.
Take your time, be gentle with yourself, when others cannot even begin to truely know how fragile you are...do what feels right for you, always. Family and friends love you, even if they cannot express their continued sorrow...they love you. They will either understand, or they wont....and if they don't understand how you can't just "move on" or whatever, then thats too bad. This is something that I keep having to remind myself of all the time.
Much Love.
Erin, Birdies Mama
I so wish I had words that could bring you some peace. So much loss for you in the last year. I understand your not wanting to have fun. But also remimber that it is ok to still have fun even when mourning. I had those same feeling and I was told by a very dear friend. "Do you really think that your daughter would want you this sad all the time". And she was right. So as hard as it was I did my best to have a little fun. It did not always work but I tired.
As always you are in my thoughts.
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