1. Going back to work for the first time in 2 months today, I found out that my pregnant team member had her baby, a boy, on June 25th. As her manager, I am responsible for ordering the flowers on behalf of the company to be sent to her. I did it and wasn't upset about it.
2. Parking next to the crematorium. It's in the vicinity of where I work and the last time I parked there was to see A. get cremated. I didn't have any major flashbacks and wasn't upset.
3. The original marigolds I potted on my balcony when I found out that there was a good chance A. would have something seriously wrong have all died from a mysterious fungal disease. The ones that stood by his coffin are still okay though. I'll have to throw the original ones away and disinfect the pot. I'm not particularly upset about that either.
On the other hand, I have been upset by:
a) My husband sighing or rolling his eyes every time I mention anything about grief. I explained, in not very subtle tones (read I was yelling and crying at the same time), that my Dad has just died and I'm sorry if he thinks I've reached my life's quota of being sad and grieving but I didn't actually arrange Dad's death just to piss him off and I will be grieving for him. DAD AND V. AND A. ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Why do I need to justify the reasons I am sad?* Why do you think that the grief I already had for V. serves for Dad and A. as well? Just put that in the "sad" pot, but the pot was already full and so now I need another one.
b) My husband being unable to do ANYTHING in the kitchen without creating a big scene about how he hates spending time in the kitchen. Last night I asked him to prepare dinner so that I could prepare myself, mentally and practically, for going back to work today. Let's just say he prepares dinner once in a blue moon, and requires a shiny gold medal for boiling a pan of water and putting pasta in it, opening a jar of ready made sauce and pouring it over said pasta. Did I mention that it happens once in a blue moon?
c) My husband.
d) Goddam blank ticker, I'm only slightly appeased by the fact that it's happening, seemingly randomly, all over the blogosphere.
* Of course I know the logical answer to this - DH isn't superman, he is fed up of life being totally shit, he wants to move on to happier times etc. etc. etc. I still need somewhere to vent this stuff though.
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I should say in relation to the last post, that my SIL isn't really shallow at all. I get on quite well with her normally. My brother tried to talk to me about the party yesterday when he called for a chat but I sort of changed the subject. He didn't organise any of it, it was all my SIL (And maybe my Canadian reader(s) will be less sympathetic when I tell you that it was a Canada Day party).
My baby nephew, MC, is having an operation today. A simple operation but still one that requires general anaesthetic. I hope you will be okay MC, even though I didn't really look at or touch you when I met you.
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I have started charting again, not that we're going to try this month (I can't have s*x when I am so pissed off at my husband and the OB said to wait two cycles for physical reasons). It's just to get back into the habit of charting. However, since I know we're not going to try this month, the effort is a bit half-hearted.
6 years ago
8 comments:
I'm sorry you are having problems with DH. That always feels like the worst thing. We are supposed to be in this together, and then this...
Hope the first day of work goes ok.
Good for you for surviving yesterday.
I'm sure you're right about your husband wanting this period behind you, but I so wish he could be supportive.
It seems like the sad pot is bottomless. I hope it's stopped up now though for a good long while.
I'm glad to hear that the things you mentioned didn't upset you. I think it is good to count every victory (and any one of the things you mentioned could have taken me down, big time).
About DH...I wish I had something helpful to say. I do understand why the way he is acting is upsetting you. I also think I can understand what he might be feeling...as it seems you do, too. You are right, it is important to have a place to vent.
I am glad to hear that you are feeling stronger these days and are looking to the future and ttc again.
Gosh, I just wish dh was being a little more empathetic. I am not so sure the sighing and rolling of the eyes is necessary. It seems as though he justifies having problems with the kitchen just fine, but doesn't feel your justified with your feelings of DEATH. Hello? I am sure it is sh*tsville for you both, but you both have a right to grieve in your own ways.I will pray for understanding and compassion.Hang in there.
You sound so tired and fed up. I think you need time to sit in the warm sun and read a book for a few days, not go back to work. :/
Sorry that DH is not giving you the support you need. The silly thing is, in years to come you will have meltdowns. So he better get use to it now. I think if you try to suck up all thats happened it will just be worse later on.
Huge hugs
xxx
Well, I am sorry the sh*t continues with your husband. It is the worst thing to put on top of grief and yet it is so common. It is because men are morons who think that picking up their own socks is an act of heroism. :)
Actually, I was thinking about this and wondering if he somehow subconsciously thinks that YOUR grief for your dad is the same magnitude as HIS grief for your dad. And, honestly, if my FIL passed away, I would be sad, but it wouldn't consume me. On the other hand, if my dad suddenly died, it would destroy a piece of me. If your husband hasn't had the energy or the thought to spend on attempting to understand or empathize with you, then he might be wondering why you are this upset when he isn't.
The return to work is AWFUL. It nearly levelled me. It has to be done, and no amount of putting it off makes it better. But it SUCKS.
i didn't even realize you were back! sorry, my bad. I will go read your blog now....i am so glad you are back though!
I'm so glad to see the tickers are working again!
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