Last night we had our last support group session. It was at the house of one of the two counsellors who run the session. It ended up being half a marriage guidance session for DH and I. I was able to say a lot of the things I felt and so was he and we both got some understanding for our viewpoints from the others. We both felt like we were monopolising the discussion but the others said it was useful as each of them recognised some of the sentiments expressed by DH and I from their own couples.
There is one person in the group, who had a termination at 5 months after discovering chromosmal problems with her baby - two and a half years ago. She didn't say much last night. She is divorcing her husband. Some of the others were all "love will conquer all, it's all that matters" but I know that love may well exist but it's presence can't stop destruction. It's just not that simple. Everyone has limited resources. With time comes perspective however the thread linking you to someone may not be able to hold out for the time that is necessary. This woman knows that and so do I.
We gave her a lift home and she said that she thought if her husband had attended the support group he might have talked more. (One of the men there said that he typically didn't talk emotions at all but since attending the group talked a lot more with his wife about their multiple losses). But he was working away, had had an affair and even though at the last session she'd said they were going to try to salvage their marriage, it's apparently really over now. It also sounds like it's going to be messy, with their two older kids dragged into it all.
DH did attend the support group, in fact did not miss a single session even when I did (I missed two) and the support group was something he'd wanted to do (he didn't like seeing counsellors). I think I did find a virtual support group here in blogland and initially didn't feel the need to attend a real one. He doesn't typically have a problem showing his emotions and can cry quite easily. (Don't tell anyone but he's been known to cry at The Lion King).
Afterwards we ate a souper canadien - I think it's called pot luck dinner in English when everyone brings something to eat. Since we knew how much we all hurt inside we didn't have to show it and the conversation could slide from more light-hearted topics like where we were all from to heavier topics smoothly and without awkward silences.
*************
I think I can say that I no longer have suicidal feelings. I had them for about a month after A.'s birth. On Sunday after the kitchen argument with DH, I went out for a walk on my own and was very upset but wasn't having suicidal thoughts. A couple of weeks ago that same blow-up would have triggered them. Maybe that shadow has gone.
6 years ago
13 comments:
That sounds like such a therapeutic environment. It's the first thing I've read about support group sessions that makes me think we could benefit from them. But we only have access to one that meets one Tuesday night a month and it always seems to be happening at a bad time.
"Love will conquer all" sounds like one of those ridiculous things people just say for no helpful reason at all. It's not true. I wish it were. I'm so glad your DH and you were able to talk freely last night. I hope that continues. It's really so great he's gone continuously. That's remarkable.
When you went pswd. protected I decided to leave you. I didn't want to ask for your pswd, since you went that way for a reason. And you have no idea who I am. I decided I didn't wan to intrude. Now by a random thing I ended up here again and you are 'unlocked'.
I don't really have anything helpful to say, I wish that I did:) Just hello, & know that I am praying for you.
This sounds like it was helpful. It's good that DH can talk in front of other people. Hopefully this will be a place from which you can move forward. I'm with Sara on the "love conquering" stuff. If only...
And it is definitely good to hear that you are no longer suicidal. I hope this is just the first (big) step to better.
Sara, our group sessions were also once a month. To be honest more often can be a bit draining. We were told the dates in advance and we just marked them on the calendar. It's not like I have much of a social life....
Meredith, thanks for delurking.
Support groups are such strange creatures - I found ours ran from a hostile environment to a supportive environment to somewhere in between. I am glad that your most recent session was helpful. Sara, if you do decide to attend a group, give it a few tries before you decide what you think of it. The underlying tone changes from month to month.
I'm glad to know that you and your husband were able to talk a few things out during the session. And I can certainly see how it would be helpful for the others to observe you work on things. It is easier to see the reflections of ourselves when we watch other people in similar situations.
I am so, SO glad that you are feeling those suicidal thoughts slip away. It is well to be without them (though I certainly know from whence they came...).
You seem a bit lighter here. I am glad for that, even though I know the lightness comes and goes. It is good to be grateful when it comes.
Well it sounds like this support group has been great for you both. I wish my husband was willing to go to something like this. We still have alot of unresolved issued around Emma and all that happened. Don't know if they will ever be resolved. And I am sorry but Love will not conqure all.
Good luck with the support group. I am finding that while my husband and I became closer during our season of loss, now that the drama has mostly subsided we have less to hold us together, and it sucks. Love most certainly does not conquer all. I hope you find a healthier bond.
I hope that shadow is gone...
Yes, like Sara said it is remarkable that your dh has gone continuously to the support groups. My dh has never gone, nor looked for support of any kind anywhere. He just buried himself in work. So, yeah, we had alot of issues for awhile....but we did work through it. Love does not conquer all for sure. I do believe that trying to work through problems (rather than running away through affairs/alcohol/drugs/etc) can conquer most things. But sometimes it is very difficult to figure out what 'working through problems' actually means to each individual couple. It sounds like you & dh are starting to figure it out...
PS. What delphi said about the tone of IRL support groups changing from month to month. It depends on who is there.
Rosepetal, I'm glad you are back and that you are back because the darkness has lifted a little. I hope so much that it continues to lift. And love doesn't conquer all. Mad Mommy said it well and it's hard to find a new fit after the 'swelling' has gone down and you are both a different shape.
Im glad your head is in a better place atm. its also good to read that you and DH could get out some of your feelings. Talking about things does make it a lot easier.
Hugs
xxx
Hugs, Rosepetal. I think the group thing was a good thing for dh and I (this was after Ian's death). Because I heard more of his feelings than I would have otherwise. Perhaps we should have done that after the next demised pregnancy experience.
Anyway - I hope things continue to be a little brighter each day/week/whatever. It's a long, slow process with many ups and downs, as you know. I guess the key is to keep looking out and hope that light at the end of the tunnel is not a train. ;o)
Hugs,
Connie
I am glad to see you're back. I have been thinking of you and checking back to see if you were here. Big (((hugs))).
Post a Comment