Dream

Another nightmare, which woke me up in the middle of the night. It was like a psychological thriller. I was in a hotel room looking down at the sea front and a woman was there, played by Nic.ole Kid.man. But it was clear in the dream that she was playing a role and not herself.

We looked at a painting together and she said, I don't understand, that's me in the painting, but I'm much older than now. There were some other types of images, either photographs or other paintings, I can't remember which, and it showed me throwing the first painting out of the window and then the woman jumping into the sea and drowning.

Suddenly we realised it was some sort of thing that was going to happen in the future. I don't know why, but the next scene was the woman at the sea front. She looked back up at me, as I was still in the hotel room, and I had this feeling of inevitability and then threw the painting out of the window. She jumped into the sea. I screamed and a maid came running. I told her in gasps to get help and said, "I threw the painting out of the window!" and that the woman was drowning.

She seemed to understand with horror and stared at me for a second. I was crying and screaming and then woke up.

I was quite scared for a while in the dark, and I analysed the dream a little bit, and the woman's death was once again a direct result of my own actions.

I'm seeing the psychiatrist in one hour, so I'll have to tell her about this dream. I want to talk to her about:

- the dream
- sliding into depression
- my Dad
- whether I'm going to be utterly useless for my Mum
- subconsciously, or not so much, cutting away the links with people that are keeping me alive. I haven't been doing that in the last couple of days, but objectively it must be a suicide risk.

Updated: She didn't prescribe me ADs but admitted she is worried about the suicide risk. She is not very worried, else she said she would hospitalise me right there. I'm a bit shocked that it could come to hospitalisation. She asked me to think this afternoon about my trip to the UK tomorrow but I told her that I wouldn't change my mind. So we will see when I get back and I have to call her if I have the same types of thoughts again.

She said there is a phase where you can yo-yo back and forth about suicide and then there is a phase you get to which you cannot get out of on your own, and she doesn't want me to go there. She also said my dream above wasn't very reassuring in terms of suicide risk.

I have always been close to my parents and ask them for advice when I am worried, or making big decisions etc. Since V. died my Dad wasn't really able to offer me any advice about life and now he is dead. I also feel like I cannot burden my mother with extra worries about me. So my channel of discussion and advice is cut off. I spoke to my brother when I was feeling more suicidal last weekend, and then he spoke to my mum. So if he is going to do that then I can't really speak to him either.

I have some more sleeping tablets to take in case I can't sleep when I am in the UK. There are only ten. The possibility of my overdosing on them has crossed my mind, but she only gave me ten. And I really don't think I will do anything like that in the UK when I am with my mum. I also do not feel any more that DH will be better off without me.